Stupid Boy

How could you...

Make me believe I was beautiful, but only to you
That I was smart, but not as smart as you
Tell me what I had to give was good, but not enough?

How could you...

See me but not know me,
Want me but take only what you wanted,
Tell me choose, then hate me for choosing.

I gave all, and it was good, I loved much and it was free, I hoped hard and was true. You took what was offered, then what wasn't; you were loved but used only for your own desires; you allowed me to hope, knowing you would never fulfill.

You stole the only thing I had, and told me it wasn't enough. You apologized with your fingers crossed behind your back. You spoke, but never acted, and your messages were clear. You threatened me with the love you professed to have. You caged me and told me to fly for you, tied down and told to run. Black was white and white black, love was sacrifice and pain was right. It was my problem, and you were the answer even when it hurt. I gave innocence and purity, and it came back to me rags.

And for awhile, I thought it was my fault. For a while I blamed myself. I believed you, and it hurt. So I died a little more everyday. I denied pain and quited the screaming in my head. I clipped my wings for you, and almost forgot how to fly.

But not a moment too soon, I was rescued. Barely breathing, on life support, Someone stepped in. Like a morbid scene on the side of a road, I was lifted out while onlookers watched with curiosity. No one lending a hand, but then One came down and lifted me out.

For a while, He attended me, so wounded I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, I felt His comfort. It gave me the strength to come back, to fight, to become conscious again. But the wounds ran deep...

I woke up, and ran. Scared to death that you were right, that I would never be enough, that I was tainted and would never be whole again. My heart closed. It was the only way I had known to survive. I was so calloused, I didn't recognize the touch of true love from the One that loves perfectly. I pushed Him away because you had used His name. If His love was like yours, I couldn't give anymore. I loved Him though, in word and in action, the way I loved you, but couldn't let Him in. The trust was broken to early, and the hope had perished. But He, unlike you, persisted. He was gentle when you had been rough, He was quiet when you had yelled, and He respected my requests when you had never listened. He was patient with His love when you had threatened me with yours. Then one day I prayed, and the I saw the fear that you had helped cultivate, and knew that was what held me captive. I saw the doubt I had believed, and knew it would choke me. I turned them out. I gave them up.

Now He shows me true love. He is nursing me back from the grave with patience and tenderness even when I don't recognize it as that. Even when I confuse quiet presence with silence since all I had known was aggression and control, He is patient. Even when I fear He will stop loving me when I don't do what He wants as you did, He waits. When you confused treasuring me with pacifying me, He speaks to my heart and breathes life into. He romances with truth, not deceit.

And even though you have forgotten me, for once, the broken pieces you have left behind are not mine to pick back up as they had been so many times. Someone else is putting me back together, and this time, the pieces fit perfectly. Stupid boy, you had it all. Now it belongs to someone else, and He gets what wasn't good enough for you, and treasures it. He saw it all, knows what you were to me. He was the one that gave me to you, and one day, you will answer to Him for what you did with the gift He gave you. He was the one that convinced me I was more than you said.

I don't hate you, but I still remember you.
I don't wish you ill, but I can't pray for you yet.
I don't miss you, but I still fight your ghosts.

Stupid boy.

But now there is hope where there had been none,
Love where there had been fear,
Innocense where it had been taken.

Stupid boy, you could have been apart of it, now you will never know it again.

A shock to the sytem

I know I said I wouldn’t anymore but....

I wanted to title this one "What to do when you see your ex husband out on a date with another woman," but I thought that was too long. I thought there were a few that should read this.
When you are the one to leave someone, you think to yourself "I will be the first to move on and it was my choice. And because of that, I will be okay."

Then you see him, and you don't just see him, you see him out with another woman, and she is everything you are not. At that moment, your whole world crashes, everything you have thought, you have believed, hoped in, lived in, crashes around you like pitifully thin champagne flutes. Your whole world view thins, tunnel vision sets in and all you see is nothing and everything at once. You tell yourself you are okay, you knew this would happen, you tried to prepare yourself, but no, nothing takes away the shock, the absolute powerlessness of the moment, and all of the sudden you are lonelier than you have ever been. Your whole marriage flashes before your eyes, and for a split second, you relive five years of relationship at a cheap bar in the heart of party town. The music slows, the voices around you dim, the lights get brighter, and you see them. He is looking down at her the same way he looked at you, wearing the same shirt he bought from Armani Exchange when he was with you, and the same coat he bought from Banana Republic he never gave you when you were cold. She smiles up at him content that she is the only one he sees, but you/I see otherwise. I know. I have seen that look before. He use to reserve it for me. Told me it was for me only.

Snapping back to reality, I look around aburptly remembering where I am, in line at the rest room, with my sister, trying to show her a good time on one of her too few nights without her kids. "Did he really get over me that quick?" I thought it before I could stop myself. I guess it was true, I really was that forgettable, and damn it, she isn't ugly. In fact, she is beautiful. I look down at the thin gold band I wear on my wedding finger to keep most men at bay and wonder why I wear it. If he doesn't, why should I?
With sad realization, I know. He has forgotten me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him. I don't want to be with him, and wonder of all wonders, I don't even wish him ill, but still... is it too much to ask that the man that hurt me so badly, that cut me to the core, that manipulated me for years into believing I was nothing more than something to please him, would hurt over losing me for at least a little while? Is it too much to ask that I don't see him with another woman at a bar I am at with a family member of all people. The urge to grab some random buy and kiss him is great, but I resist knowing it will do no good. My heart has already felt the weight.
I guess I just didn't think I would see him with her. I guess I was hoping I was wrong, that he wasn't already dating. I guess the truth is, I hoped wrong.

As I stand there, I think about him, and her, and what I have seen. Does she really know him? Doe sshe know that he hates mayonaise, and if he gets any food on it, he will send it back immediately? Has she seen the side of him that will ignore what you want and take what he thinks is his? Has she seen him yell for what seems like days but really is two hours at her for nothing more than just wanting to go home? Does she know that if he doesn't get his way, he will cry, and yell, or hit the wall until he does? I know those things. I have seen them. I know what it feels like to have him ignore you when you are right, or yell at you and kick the couch until you give in. She might not know that yet.

Then I think about the things he knew about me. Few I guess. He never paid attention to what there was about me. How I used to always go over to his house because he was tired, or how I got used to playing video games since that is what he loved. He never saw how I planned time with my friends around when he would be home so we would have enough time together. He never paid attention to hwo I used to send him notes and call him just to say "I love you" or "How was your day?" He didn't see my passion for truth, or honesty, and he mocked my desire for authenticity. See the truth is, he never saw me for me. He never knew what I had to offer besides a warm body and a pleasing face. He didn't know my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. He knew what he wanted to know, and now I know what I know, and that is, there is better out there.

I look at my cell phone, it has taken me two minutes to remember why. Why I left him, why there is better, and why, even when everyone shunned me, I knew what was best, because five months later, I still see the truth. I still know. It hurts, I won't lie, it hurts to be so easily forgotten, but it would have hurt more to stay. I know my God, and I know my Jesus, and I know that He has put hope in my heart, truth in my head, purity as my name and fall in my eyes.

And He and only He, see my heart and what I was to my ex. And He and only He, know my ex's heart. Vengeance in the Lord's, and though my heart may fail me, He is my portion forever. Ame

A shock to the sytem

Why?

Why is that we believe that when what we have has left us empty, we believe we need something so new it has to look like a different geography?

I have spent a lot of time contemplating what it means to start over. I have spent countless hours (including this moment) listening to Augustana's Boston. Opening lyrics being

"In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,

When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry"

When they see you, You said..."

It begs the question, do we what means a new start? Do we need to change location, or is it just the need to see something so different from what we have previously known?

I was having a very fruitful conversation with a few friends, when it dawned on me. We were talking about marriage (I know a great topic for me), when I heard myself saying "I don't know what I am looking for, I just know it has to look a lot different from what I have known."

That truth struck me so deep, I didn't even know I had known it. Life is so funny. We spend so much time dreaming about what we want, we don't spend a lot of time making it happen. I used to think that I had to leave what I knew, what I have been used to, to make something different.

"She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California,
I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,"

As much as I have spent the last months dreaming and thinking that my life lay beyond the horizon, beyond the geographical point on the map that I knew, maybe, just maybe, it is about not knowing where or what we are lead to, just knowing it has to be different. I have wanted so bad to believe that if I do something to make it change, it will, but isn't it true that no matter where we go, if we don't change from within, we just take those problems with us?

I have spent a lifetime trying to change my life. Working to make it different, spinning my wheels like a hamster in a cage, hoping that if I can change enough, no one will recognize me. Maybe I wouldn't even recognize myself, and that would be good right? But why then, do I feel the need to take me with me where ever I go? Could it be because for once, I recognize that even I don't know what I need? Could it be that I am the one that needs to let go? Maybe it isn't the past, or the present or even anyone else that holds me back, it is just me? It is my own struggle to see that beyond my image of myself lies the truth? Paul in Scripture says that "We see dimly now, but one day our vision will be clear." Okay I am paraphrasing, but you get the point.

Yes, I want to leave behind what I don't want apart of me, and yes I want to be different, but can I release enough to know that maybe I don't know what I do want to look like? Can I drop my preconceived notions and just hope? Can I believe that there is hope and it doesn't have to look like a move, or a new characteristic, or even new thoughts, but maybe, it is something I didn't even think of. We are told that we change, but how many of us think we know what we need to change into? And then how many of us actually change into that? Could it be that it is a good thing that we don't control our own lives? Hopefully.......