A shock to the sytem

I know I said I wouldn’t anymore but....

I wanted to title this one "What to do when you see your ex husband out on a date with another woman," but I thought that was too long. I thought there were a few that should read this.
When you are the one to leave someone, you think to yourself "I will be the first to move on and it was my choice. And because of that, I will be okay."

Then you see him, and you don't just see him, you see him out with another woman, and she is everything you are not. At that moment, your whole world crashes, everything you have thought, you have believed, hoped in, lived in, crashes around you like pitifully thin champagne flutes. Your whole world view thins, tunnel vision sets in and all you see is nothing and everything at once. You tell yourself you are okay, you knew this would happen, you tried to prepare yourself, but no, nothing takes away the shock, the absolute powerlessness of the moment, and all of the sudden you are lonelier than you have ever been. Your whole marriage flashes before your eyes, and for a split second, you relive five years of relationship at a cheap bar in the heart of party town. The music slows, the voices around you dim, the lights get brighter, and you see them. He is looking down at her the same way he looked at you, wearing the same shirt he bought from Armani Exchange when he was with you, and the same coat he bought from Banana Republic he never gave you when you were cold. She smiles up at him content that she is the only one he sees, but you/I see otherwise. I know. I have seen that look before. He use to reserve it for me. Told me it was for me only.

Snapping back to reality, I look around aburptly remembering where I am, in line at the rest room, with my sister, trying to show her a good time on one of her too few nights without her kids. "Did he really get over me that quick?" I thought it before I could stop myself. I guess it was true, I really was that forgettable, and damn it, she isn't ugly. In fact, she is beautiful. I look down at the thin gold band I wear on my wedding finger to keep most men at bay and wonder why I wear it. If he doesn't, why should I?
With sad realization, I know. He has forgotten me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him. I don't want to be with him, and wonder of all wonders, I don't even wish him ill, but still... is it too much to ask that the man that hurt me so badly, that cut me to the core, that manipulated me for years into believing I was nothing more than something to please him, would hurt over losing me for at least a little while? Is it too much to ask that I don't see him with another woman at a bar I am at with a family member of all people. The urge to grab some random buy and kiss him is great, but I resist knowing it will do no good. My heart has already felt the weight.
I guess I just didn't think I would see him with her. I guess I was hoping I was wrong, that he wasn't already dating. I guess the truth is, I hoped wrong.

As I stand there, I think about him, and her, and what I have seen. Does she really know him? Doe sshe know that he hates mayonaise, and if he gets any food on it, he will send it back immediately? Has she seen the side of him that will ignore what you want and take what he thinks is his? Has she seen him yell for what seems like days but really is two hours at her for nothing more than just wanting to go home? Does she know that if he doesn't get his way, he will cry, and yell, or hit the wall until he does? I know those things. I have seen them. I know what it feels like to have him ignore you when you are right, or yell at you and kick the couch until you give in. She might not know that yet.

Then I think about the things he knew about me. Few I guess. He never paid attention to what there was about me. How I used to always go over to his house because he was tired, or how I got used to playing video games since that is what he loved. He never saw how I planned time with my friends around when he would be home so we would have enough time together. He never paid attention to hwo I used to send him notes and call him just to say "I love you" or "How was your day?" He didn't see my passion for truth, or honesty, and he mocked my desire for authenticity. See the truth is, he never saw me for me. He never knew what I had to offer besides a warm body and a pleasing face. He didn't know my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. He knew what he wanted to know, and now I know what I know, and that is, there is better out there.

I look at my cell phone, it has taken me two minutes to remember why. Why I left him, why there is better, and why, even when everyone shunned me, I knew what was best, because five months later, I still see the truth. I still know. It hurts, I won't lie, it hurts to be so easily forgotten, but it would have hurt more to stay. I know my God, and I know my Jesus, and I know that He has put hope in my heart, truth in my head, purity as my name and fall in my eyes.

And He and only He, see my heart and what I was to my ex. And He and only He, know my ex's heart. Vengeance in the Lord's, and though my heart may fail me, He is my portion forever. Ame