Grieving for the sake of grieving?

Question: Why do people grieve? No honestly, why? What the hell is the point? Is it this sadomasochistic need to feel pain or is there a real purpose behind it? This question by the way, is not just for myself, but for others as well.

So I was talking with a friend the other day about our prospective ex-husbands over margaritas and tacos one Friday night. We ordered and I began to tell her that I am currently planning a party for a mutual friend of mine and my exes, and I casually mention that I have to invite my ex husband. Hmm… loody-doo-de-do… I look away as she the inevitable question comes.

“You what?” she looks at me like I am on fire. "No! He can have a different party for your friend!"

I laugh at her exasperation... but maybe a little too hard. “This is going to be fine. This is going to be great. I am so over him and all that happened. I’m good.” I reassure her pointedly and forcefully. Yeah, totally, this is fine… I can do this. I think to myself.

The drinks come and I grab mine off the tray with both hands take a big gulp while I shake my head with my best “whatever no big deal look.”

So as I am talking with her saying these things out loud, I know, I am good, totally. Why wouldn’t I be? He doesn’t care about me, so why should I care about him right? No, it’s fine, completely.

“So are you going to invite all of his friends from your old church?” she asks.

“Yeah. Why?” She looks at me with a look that says Are you serious? I am still shaking my head yes with my eyebrows scrunched nursing my margarita.

“No reason.” She says this in a way that almost sounds like a question. A moment pause then:

“Do you think he will bring his girlfriend?”

Suddenly I find myself sucking on the drink in my head like it’s going to jump out of the cup and run away if I stop.

I hadn’t thought of that one…..

Suddenly mind fills with visions of throwing her head into the punch bowl and lacing his beer with ex-lax. Maybe instead I could leaf his car with porn ads. Oh priceless. A sick smile creeps out on my face.

Suddenly I look up and my friend is waving her hand in my face with a slightly worried expression. “Earth to Sara, you okay?”

My first response? No. “Yes I am great why?” We both look down at my empty glass. Oops.

Okay, if we are looking at the above story, we can see, I am most definitely not okay. As much as I would like to be, I am not. WHY? Why the hell am I not okay with this? The normal litany of frustrated saying cut through my mind: he doesn’t deserve my thoughts. The people that abandoned me so shouldn’t even matter anymore. I mean look at my future right? College, moving, opportunity… it’s all out there at my fingertips just waiting for me to grab a hold. Things I never thought I would get the chance to do I am starting…. Why is this entire mass of goodness not enough? Why does my heart still flip when I think of him? Why do still feel so justified in my anger at him? Who cares if he has a girlfriend right? I mean it probably won’t be long before he screws her up anyways… poor thing.

I mean I am not even sad about losing him… no offense, but he wasn’t much to lose. I mean someone who consistently treats me like a second class citizen? Oh, just what every mother dreams of for her daughter.

And I don’t miss him at all. Not even a smidgen, but still this is getting at me like a trying to scrape out a tiny sliver with safety pin. He doesn’t deserve this time from me. He already got to much from me already.

Why…? Later on in the weekend I spent sometime thinking/praying about it. And gently, like a suggestion that could have been my own, He places the knowledge in me with ease and comfort. True counselor style.

I am not grieving based on his worth, I am grieving on the base of my own worth. I loved my ex husband with everything I had. It was a pure love, driven from the belief that he was the one for me. Honoring him was my priority, being near him my desire, comforting and encouraging him my role. I spent myself on him, and rightly so, he was my husband. Now he may have thrown that love back in my face, but that doesn’t diminish the value of that love. I can’t allow him to determine the value of my heart. It’s a good heart, strong and pure and desiring to love and be loved. He might not have seen that, but for once, I do, and so does the One I serve.

I grieve not for him, but for myself. I grieve the violation of the love I gave him and all of those that abandoned me in my time of need. Not because they are worth it, or deserve it, but because I do.

So am I still planning this party? Yes. Do I like that I am doing it? No. Why then? For the same principle. The friend that I am doing it for might not have been there for me when I needed it, and he may not have been, or nay, is the friend I would like him to be, but I have a choice. I can love based on others, or I can love based on myself and my real Husband; the one that commands the heavens and places kings and rulers of this land. I choose the latter.

This is the only way I know to stay soft, to not let bitterness rule, but to turn to my Lover and ask for His healing. To stay child-like and free in my love by loving out of my own heart not dictated by others, but instead out of a place of becoming the kind of woman that honors the love of the true Lover.