Failing again

I was reading what you wrote again, and not only what you wrote, but the way you wrote it. It was lyrical and beautiful, like a mournful melody that can break open even the hardest of hearts. I was grateful for it, I needed to be broken.

I think I am beginning to understand. I think it's starting to click. I really can't do this on my own can I? I really can't love you the way I want to. At least not without you. The irony is not lost on me. I must receive your love, and the strength of your love, and even the ability to love, to love you back. You must give me the ability to love to love you. I know I keep saying it, but it just strikes me as odd. Actually, it makes me sad. You deserve so much more than that. I should be able to love you because of you. Because you are perfect, and holy and lovely and good and generous and kind and strong and so... well, my whole world. It feels so strange, are these steps forwards or backwards?

I tried to do it on my own and I fell apart. you healed me, and like the 9 lepers, I just kept right on walking. I did not run back and ask to walk with you, there was no gratefulness in me. My shame is deep over that. Your healing was turned against you. Can you change that in me? Can you make that different? I know you have forgiven me, your love is too deep not to, but can I change? Can you do a mericle in my heart and change me? I am so desperate for you to. I want to please you and feel you smile.

My pride was so arrogant. I thought I would love you forever, and cling to you forever because of me. How ironic. Uh! I don't breathe without you. I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't live, I don't know, understand, comprehend... I don't exist without. If you were to cease, I would also. I forgot that. I thought I loved you out of my own power, once again, my shame is deep. I took credit for what you did, I believed not in you, but in me. Of course I ended up doubting, I was believing in something that hinges on insanity most of the time.

Oh great one. Oh creator, even now, I doubt your ability to change me. the only thing that gives me hope is your own word says you are bigger than my heart. You are beyond it. My hope for change, for growth, for the ability to honor you, it is only in you.

I think I trust you, I know I don't trust myself. I will run. I thought I was so faithful, I thought I was so good. you have shown me otherwise. You have humbled me with your truth.

I guess I will wait for you to lead me from here. I will wait for you to touch me witht hat touch only you can impart. That vision, that tought, that voice that speaks down into my inner most being. The true voice of intimacy, my favorite voice. I never feel as alive as when I hear or feel it. Its like a rushing wind into my soul. Like a heat source bring blood back to damaged tissue. How do you explain a fingertip so gentle and beautiful grazing over scar tissue? You don't. You just wait and desperately pray for it again. You sit and hope with all hope that graces you again.

I will build my life around those moments, pressing in for more. Let the strength you give me to love you be known it is from you and only you.

My savior, please don't ever stop saving me. I love you.