The Tension

Below is an email I sent to a friend of mine. It began as something to explain my heart: it became a statement of life. I don't know how much of that makes sense, but I can tell you this, true hunger for Christ is only born through the Holy Spirit, and though I ache, I rejoice that He has deposited in me that hunger, and I refuse to believe I am the only one that feels it. That is why I am posting it. I am posting it as a declaration of what God is going/doing, not only in me, but in a generation of people. True change can not come with love, and true passion can not come without abandon. I believe He wants both for us. I believe He wants us ravaged, breathless, overcome with His Presence the way we are by a lover.



I won't lie though, it is hard for me to leave this much honesty out on a page, but I can't help that I am a truth speaker. It is who I am, but even still I ask... am I throwing my pearls to the swine? I post it for the promise of what He is, was, and will be.



So here's the deal. You know how you talk about co-laboring with God? Well, it dawned on me about a week ago, I feel like I have been co-laboring/interceding for the revival that is going to take place for about the last 7 years of my life. This unrest with the norm, this craving/desperation for the intimate encounters, the knowledge that without His love we are nothing, the understanding that without Him we cease to exist, this incessant need to be nearer and nearer, this burning comprehension that there is more, that we are to be ravaged by Him, that He wants more, that there is power in intimacy, that only true peace comes from exchange, that the Kingdom is the only true call, this innate knowledge that we are foreigners here to bring heaven to earth... Ugh I could go on and on!!!

These things have been born and breed in me for years. They are facts I understand, they are passions I have, but they are realities I have yet to experience first hand. When I started voicing these thing I fumbled around in the dark, as if my tongue were in molasses and I couldn't quite utter the phrases that come so easily now, so the struggle came out as bitterness and frustration. People didn't understand. I remember sitting in 7 Pillars, talking about it, being honest, and proclaiming the fight, and when I was finished I looked up to see blank stares, and uncomfortable silence. It took a lot not to feel defeated. And I as I struggled, and wouldn't give up, people asked me what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I see break through? I felt so out of place... still do.

Now I see people like you and Amy(name changed), normal, everyday (though extraordinary and blessed) believers having what I have been longing... GROANING for in my spirit, it's just a little hard. I don't know, maybe it is a form of intercession that won't lift until it comes to fruition. Maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe it's just not my time. Neither of you claim perfection, so I know that can't be a requirement. That thought brings peace and unrest simultaneously.

What I really struggle with is this: I want what you have. I want it bad. I have been searching, striving, pushing, pulling, asking, not asking, reading, not reading, sacrificing, not sacrificing... I don't know everything. I keep thinking something more is expected of me, and yet I look at you and Amy and neither of you have done anymore, or any less than I. I don't mean that in any other way other than just looking at it from the perspective that it can't be about me, or you, or Audrey then. It must be about who and where and where God chooses to breath in. I live for those moments when He breathes into your soul. Those (for me) snippets of time when for one minute you feel more alive than you have ever felt. Those moments when it feels as though every cell in your body is filled with light, when your mind is flooded with nothing but the Presence and you feel more validated in being alive than ever before. Your existence makes sense... He is near. Heart finds it's resting place, and you understand the prophets of old. You would love to have nets to throw down so you could chase Him.

I have lived for months on just those few moments that are so tenuous, so fragile, and yet, they shouldn't be. They should be weighted down, immobile by His power.

I hate that I feel I can control God. My heart feels so dead at times. So numb. Immune to joy, to life, to love, to hope. I hate that I want to break it myself and feel, and yet I know.. I know that the only thing that can is Him. I am completely vulnerable to when and where He chooses to move. The irony does not escape me. I would DO ANYTHING for Him and yet know I can do nothing to gain more of Him. I can pursue, I can ask, I pound heaven, but only He opens the door. You did nothing to earn the experience of Sunday. That is a beautifully frustrating thing. It is not dependent on your perfection, your righteousness without Him, yet you wait with bated breath for the next moment.

I will/would follow Him to the ends of the earth. I would sacrifice mind, body and soul for Him, yet in Zephania it says He desires loyalty, not sacrifice.

He should not be this untouchable, but for me He is. I know that can't be the truth, I have examples of others that it isn't that way for, but I don't know what to think. I don't want to think the secret thoughts that I do, fearing that maybe it is my lot in life to settle. Maybe I am not chosen for the sort of experience I desire. Logically that can't be it, but for the heart of a woman struggling, those lies loom large and powerful. Could it be, that as I have found I have the personality of a prophet, that as an answer to my prayer years ago for use in any way, I am to be the burden bearer for a generation? Could my place be to know the longing as God does and carry it with me? I don't know.

I wait. I just wait, and pray that hope deferred does not make my heart too sick for recovery. As I sit here writing this, my heart longs, tears fight to fall as I hold them back. I don't know what He wants. My heart wants to believe it is just me, so I answer by throwing myself at Him. Grasping into thick darkness. I wander through a maze, feeling hedged by that I can't completely understand, bouncing off walls I can't see. I don't want to be jealous when I hear either of you talk. I hate that I feel that way. I feel like a jealous lover watching her husband go off with another woman. How can you rejoice for that woman? How sad (angry connotation, not sympathetic) is that? How stupid.

Please, just pray for me. I will fight this battle as I have for years, and I will not give up, but in this moment I am so tired. I am so disheartened. I just want Him. The only peace I find is in just waiting. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do. I actually don't want anyone to say or do anything. I am tired of relying on others for the voice of my Husband. I want His voice. That being said, if you really do feel like He is saying something specific, don't stop. I will take anything. Also, you are welcome to send this on to anyone you think may have some insight or revelation, or even is an intercessor that can pray for me.