Trust

The last two years of my life have by far been the hardest. More change, metamorphosis, learning, mistakes, fears lived through, victories gained, and just plane grunt work of the soul has been walked through than I thought at one time was humanly possible. In two and a half years I have been married, separated, divorced, relocated three times, had three different jobs, and have lost and gained over two sets of friends. I have changed cars, houses, clothes, desires, fears and personalities more than a multi-personalitied schytzo-phrenic with an American Express. 

All of this to say, for the first time I have found a place of peace. A piece of rest (if you will excuse the play on words). 

Why is it, that you have to find just this place, so you can launch again? 

A year ago I was sitting on my therapists couch hearing her say "I promise it will get better, just keep looking toward the future," and today I heard her say "I told you so." Damn, $115.00 dollars an hour for something my mothers says to me for free. 

That being said, I am amazed. I am amazed at what God has done in the midst of my own turmoil. Small words of encouragement here, a tender moment there, and here I am again on a platform ready to dive. I can genuinely say I never thought I would be here again. I thought I was threw. Washed up. Tired, bedraggled and too worn out to try for the something that I thought was more than I deserved in the first place. 

But as I look back at the miracle of a love recently given (he is currently snoring next to me, having succumbed  to his inability to stay awake during a movie), I can't help but smile. Oh Jesus, when will I get it? When will it move past my head to my heart?

I don't know, maybe the next time he turns my ashes into robes of royalty, or my tears into diamonds. Then again, maybe it won't take that long. Lord, take my heart and make it Yours. Be merciful to me and show me wounds not yet healed, parts not yet broken, and places You have et to go in me. I give you my permission. And if it takes two more years of radical change... so be it. Because this time I believe You. I believe in Your ability to heal, to change and to redeem that which was irredeemable before. I am walking, living, smiling proof of it.