A New Year

Another year has come and gone, in the blink of an eye, it has flashed by. As I sit here contemplating what the last year has been about, and what I have seen, and done and heard and been through, my mind is almost overwhelmed to the point of melt down. If years had themes, this last one would have been extreme reality living.



I have seen three moves, a divorce, three jobs, loss of and gaining of truly solid friendships, made more mistakes that in all of the years of my life combined probably, learned more about Christ that I thought was possible and seen highs and lows I thought would break me equally in two. There were moments of pain so deep in felt like a physical blow, joy so real I could have flown to the heavens. I have lost a husband on the earth, and gained one in heaven. I have seen my dreams, my hopes, my wants and desires crash around me like fine china, only to have it whispered in my ear that those weren't my plates to begin with.



I look back and feel like a piece of silly puddy that has been pulled and pushed and squeezed one too many times. The saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...' hmmm.....



I guess the thing that shocks me the most though is not the changes, since life has a way of changing unexpectedly anyways, and it's not the struggles that I have gone through since I pray daily that God would do anything necessary to bring me closer to Him, no it's neither of those things. It's the miracles that get to me. The answers to prayer that cause me to stop and stare.



A week before Brian and I separated, I prayed that God would do whatever He had to, to build in Brian and myself more passion for Him and more strength of character. I had noticed how hard it was for me to respect Brian and the choice he made, and I knew I couldn't live like that, so I prayed for God to strengthen Him, and change me. A week later, we were separated. Some may see that as morbid, but for me, it was an answer to prayer. We both get a chance to find the person that we were meant to be with. For Brian, someone that can love him without the baggage that I have with him. Someone who can see him differently than I can, not through a lens of hurt and betrayal. For me, I get a fresh start. A chance to finally meet the man that will love me in the way that no one else ever has, not selfishly and unkindly, but safely and wholly.



I spent six months waiting to see what Brian would do with out time separate. Waiting and watching and praying. For months I prayed, I prayed soul and whole heartedly. I needed to do this right. I needed to hear from God... and I did. The biggest decision of my life and He showed up in all of His grandeur. I never doubted, I knew. It was so hard, and so frightening, but to this day, I have never doubted, and His grace is what gave me that hope.



I asked God to heal my heart. All of it, to claim it, make it His. How did He do it? He showed me the beginnings of a romance I never thought was possible. Visions of Him and myself, a hope through the scariest of times. Times when I wasn't sure I could hold on, when all I could do was ask Him for faithfulness when it wasn't deserved, and came and spoke to me and told me, nothing would change what I was to Him.



And the greatest miracle of all. For my birthday, God gave me freedom. 6 short months after my divorce, He freed me. Miracles of all miracles, I no longer hold anything for my ex. I can look at him and say "You were the worst and best thing that ever happened to me, and I am okay with that." I wouldn't know God the way I do now if it weren't for him, but there are scars that still obscure some vision. The most important thing is, I can walk away, and not look back. I can see him, and my heart no longer plunges to the floor. For once, I don't see him as a villain, I see him as broken. And maybe those two things are the same, but right now, they don't seem like it. I don't know where life will take me, and I don't know what there is in store, but I wish him well. I wish him happiness. Miracles of all miracles, I pray for his blessing.

As I sat around the Christmas table this year, with those that I love so near and dear, I couldn't help but stop and pause for a second. It was de ja vu all over again, and I loved every minute.

This year has changed me, no one can argue that. Has it changed for good? Bad? Indifferent? I don't know, but I do know this, the miracles I have seen, the wonders I have known that the heart break I have overcome, they seem to point me in one direction, that of Christ.

Happy birthday, happy Christmas, happy new year, and happy old year. May this next year bring you what it brought me... confusion, hopelessness, pain, redemption, joy, healing and so much more.