Saturday, December 08, 2007

To You
This is for you...

I had a discussion with a friend tonight. It was enlightening I guess I should say. We talked about Brian, and the loss of friends, and the abandonment I felt, I guess I should say, I thought we talked about those things. It brought up so much, and I spent a long time thinking and praying about what it arose in me. though the immediate sting is gone, and freedom is calling my name, I can't ignore the wounding I still feel from the abandonment I experienced. How do you handle that? How do you balance what should have been, with what is?

The person I was talking with said his heart was for reconciliation. We talked about fault and who's was who's and how hurting people hurt people. I guess that irked me a little. The problem is, it sounded like so much of an excuse - he called it a reason. Optimism aside, the downfall of excuses is they can be true, but they don't make anything right. Deceptive thought.

I asked if I would always be seen as Brian's ex-wife, the woman who left him.Would anyone ever again accept me for me? To this day I still feel as though, it would please so many to see me back with Brian. Like that would right the world and put it back correctly on it's axis. How unfair. To be pigeon-holed so completely. Isn't that just another form of manipulation?
I wondered allowed if it was possible for people to understand what I had gone through and would anyone try to ever see it from my point of view. It was a hard conversation and I wanted so bad for my heart to be seen in it, for me to really be known. I found myself close to tears so many times. I just wanted to know people were willing to try to see me and my side.

Then I realized... it didn't matter. There is a space above all of this 'she said, he said' stuff. It's a place where you begin to realize, I can't ever understand the depth of someone else's pain, and to make judgements about what is right and wrong for them is beyond incomprehensible. I am not their God, and likewise, no one is mine. Freedom once again poked it's lovely head into my soul as I realized, no one had to be my God either. If people have their opinions and thoughts about me and my life, I can stand back and say, good for them. That's what they think is right, but it never has to touch me. I know what God has said to me, and that is enough.

I guess I can let go now. Things will never be the same, and I realize they shouldn't be. I loved with every molecule of my being, giving, sacrificing, molding, changing, everything I knew to do. And that wasn't just for my ex, that was for all of those that I loved and called friends. Once again though, I find myself loving people and hoping it will truly be returned, only to be crushed when it is not. My fault though, my hope can't be in men. It has to be in Christ. I loved well, and I can't let those who failed because they are human rob me of loving in the future. Easier said than done, but I have a great God that will see me through. One that has promised to make me whole and never sacrifice me the I have been in the past.

So I don't grieve anymore, my God and His redemption is complete, and one day, all will see that. Until then, the knowledge is enough for me.
I want you to know, all of this being said, those of you that literally told me they couldn't know me anymore for the place I was in, I am okay. I pray for you, and I love you still. Not the same way, but in a distance way. You did what you thought was best, and though it hurt me in ways you will never know and I hope you don't, my Jesus is faithful to heal, and I trust Him with my heart.

I loved you all so much, and that is why it hurts so much, but you might not understand that, and once again, that is okay. Part of helaing is reconciling by saying, "I was hurt, but it doesn't have to rule me anymore." I wish we could all go back to the way things were, but as a famous movie quote says "Some wounds are just too deep." (Can you place that? ;-) I want to say I hope you see my heart, and appreciate it, but I realize now that you don't have to. That is your choice. All I can do is be as authentic as I can, and trust my Savior with the rest.
I pray for all of you, and want you to know the blessings and intimacy of Christ that I know. Pursue Him as I have, and He will not let you down.

Merry Christmas, and I love you all,

Sara