Betrayal

I sit hear, hands poised over the keys, waiting for revelation. Waiting to understand. What am I missing? What piece isn't connecting?

You see, after much examination of my own heart, I see the deficiencies. I see the inconsistencies and the backwards thinking. I get that there is something basically broke. Something basically off. Like a fault line, I keep waiting for another shift to make the breach wider: for the settling of a large quake to bring me back down to even unsteadier ground.

I have waited, I have listened. I have cried, I have forced a laugh. I have sat quiet and run around like a mad man. I have read, and stopped reading, I have sang, and sat quiet, I have shouted and whispered, I throw my fists in the air and I have fallen to my knees.

But most of all I have tried. Oh how I have tried. Oh how I have allowed denial to rule, just to get me through.

So you gave me an answer: burden bearing. Intercession. A purpose. Okay, a purpose. Some hope a the end of the tunnel. On shaky legs I got back up to stand. Walking slowly with a limp, breathing heavily, I got back on the path. Force the smile, it's something right? Joy fleeting, but hold on tight, so tight, it might fly away. Your face, oh, your beautiful face, I can barely see it... but I squint, I strain, wait, don't go...

So I tell you my secrets. My truest desires, deeply, secretly, I thought they were from you. I thought maybe... but I never dared to dream. It was easier to stand on the ground of waiting for you. Places were my passion was released, where I felt at home anywhere. Safe, these were mine.

On unsteady feet, thrown a rock... a small one, but still the weights enough, I tumble down with it. I collapse, bones snapping as I crash into the ground. Unforgiving ground bruises and tears at my body. I cry out... then stop short. Why cry? No one is near enough to hear. I lay on my back, silent tears streaming. Waiting, hoping; maybe, just maybe the rescue I have heard of will find me. I am so tired of picking myself up. I don't even think I can this time.

I look around and see a group passing me by on the path. Jubilantly they pat each other on the back as they congratulate each other on jobs well done. Some taller than others, they step over me as I lay there. I see one secret something to another. I watch a limb grow back for one, and a heart restart for another as they continue walking. Miracles to be sure. Even I at one time reach out to pass a note I had been given, but no one sees the bleeding. I don't even want them to this time. That bone protruding, that weak pulse, it is my burden to bear. I can't take the looks of confusion at why I am not being healed when the person next to me just had sight restored. I don't know either.

Slowly I start to sit up. I can't stay here long, I will die for sure. Oh God, I am so tired of picking myself up... my body groans it's protest.

Loneliness is thick on the fringes... how much more? One is given a package, opening it delightedly, they squeal. They show it around... my heart skips a beat, that had been one of my secret desires. Another tear falls... Oh, I thought maybe, if I had been faithful enough... I guess not. I hear a commotion to my right, another package, please God... no... again. My last secret dream, given away. This time I can't stop it, I fall back, like the bones that had held me together disappeared. A deep grief enters my heart unstoppable. My last uniqueness. My last bit of something good I had, given to someone else.

From somewhere I hear a voice "Thank you for burden bearing, but this belongs to someone else now."

Somehow I gather enough strength to curl into the fetal position. I look to my right, and there lies an opened package. It had been a gift given to me. It was beautiful for sure, filled with anticipation and promise, and I loved it, but it wasn't the one I had secretly wanted. The one I was too scared to tell anyone about, anyone but You that is. I look at the card, it reads "Good luck!" with a smiley face.

A wind comes by. It's full of life, vibrancy. I hear my name in it "Sara..." It breathes into me, and for a moment, my chest raises and I inhale deeply. It strengthens my pulse. Enough. It gives me enough for life. Another comes by, a bit stronger. I start to breath easier. The pain is still there, but I am brought back from the brink of death. Still another... this time I sit up and try to reach out for it... "Come back..." The cry comes from my soul, the only words I have uttered since I have fallen.

Slowly raising my head I look around. The others had felt the same wind, some are dancing, some are crying out in joy, and some even being tossed around by it, faces alight with joy and wonder. Tears fall again. Enough for life right?

As the crowd moves on, slowly I turn my head from sides to side. The silence is so thick, it's oppressive. It's condemning. Only one thought looms, it just must not be for me. My hopes, dreams and desires that is. I just hope that I can stay alive long enough to make it home.