Protection

I have been thinking a lot about protection lately. What it means to be protected, what it means to honor someone that way.

I thought about my dad a lot. The things I wish he had said, the things I wish he had done when I was young. I guess things I still wish he would do.

I was standing in the kitchen, kissing my boyfriend the other day, and my dad walked in. My face turned beat red and immediately I jumped away. My dad just walked by and kinda smiled, meanwhile Mike and I were trying not to melt into the floor.

Later that day, I was talking with my dad and just casually said "Sorry about that earlier, I didn't mean for you to walk in." He laughed and said "I wouldn't care if I walked in and you were naked!" Immediately I gasped and yelled "Dad that gross!!!" He laughed even harder and walked away.


I didn't think much of it at the time, but after the day had settled down and I returned to the exchange in my mind, I kept wondering why it bothered me so much. That should be a good thing right? I mean my dad sees me as an adult making my own choices. Great, I mean I have been married and divorced, I am my own responsibility right? Right. Of course, so why was it bothering me so much?

Later that night my boyfriend ended up staying the night at the house. It had been a long weekend, with an even longer day, and we both fell asleep. Well somewhere in the middle of the night, as it always goes, we both woke up, and stared straight into the face of temptation, and all I could think of was my dad saying he didn't care if he walked in and we were naked.

All of the sudden all of the protection I thought I had under my parents roof... vanished. There was no need for my boyfriend to or I to fear the protective heart of a father... it wasn't there.

Another piece of the little child each of us has in us died in that moment.


Now don't get me wrong, I love my father, but he is only human. What can you expect, he's an ex-hippie, but still, the sting is there. All of the sudden some things make sense.

Could it be that the protection I seem the be unable to afford myself, could be based on the lack of protection I received? Is it possible that maybe I was never taught?

I have been struggling in my relationship with God. I think that is perfectly obvious, (I do nothing to hide these struggles... it takes too much energy) but the question that seems to be in my heart at this point is one that I don't really want to ask, but will never be satisfied until I have the answer to: is my lack of trust in God a correlation to my lack of trust in my father, and neigh, even in myself? Upon realization of this lack of protection, certain things make sense, like a light in the day, but it has also thrown some other things into the dark.

Since I can't expect my father to protect me the task falls in my own lap. Learning how to do what is best for me despite what I want in the moment is a parenting lesson I now have the responsibility to do for myself, and that is fine. That is something I can learn through self-evaluation and trial and error. I can begin to trust myself that way, but here's the $24,000.00 question: what does it truly mean to be protected by your heavenly father when your earthly father fails you?

Updates to follow....