Falling

The amazing thing about God is... He will never cease to amaze. From beginning to end, the God we serve is steadfast and true. His touch shakes your soul and moves your earth.

I live for Him. It breaks my heart when I don't give Him my all and I seek experience over intimacy, emotion over reality, sensationalism over service, but my heart is deceitful. He knows it. It's so funny, He is a catch twenty-two. He asks for purity, but knows it is impossible and will accept you anyways. The purity is for our own benefit.

See we are already justified through Jesus' blood. We have been deemed acceptable, but the request for striving, for purity, for service, for choice, for hardship, loyalty, drive, self-sacrifice, killing of the flesh... Those are for us. Our own benefit. 

Think about that for a second. The implications are intense. If we say that it is not out necessity, but out of choice that we remain pure, love others, choose Him, how much more powerful than those that say we HAVE to. Those that say it determines are acceptability to the Father. Our access to the throne room What if we can go in imperfect, but still come out have been touched?

Could that possibly mean that His love is  based more on Him and His desire to love, than our ability to earn it? Could it be that free? What happens when we learn that it will be there no matter what? We are chosen and that will never change.

Could that be the defining moment of all of life? Only if it shakes our reality enough to meld hopes and dreams into intimacy and need. Remember, He is the breath of life, and LOVE is the only noun/verb He gives as what He IS. Not what he inhabits, but what He EXISTS in. Could that invade us enough? 

LORD hear my prayer.... 

Foreign Relations?

Post modernism is an interesting phenomenon. I say this as a precursor to an even more interesting phenomenon: the isolation to which post modernism is applied.

When it comes to religion, the culture that currently has its grips on society (or the latest intellectual fad), seems to be the notion of “Whatever works for you.” All paths lead to nirvana correct? Or even your own sense of nirvana. Existentialism be damned, we can all find a meaning of our own. Just don’t let yours get in the way of mine.

When it comes to social welfare issues, Marxism seems to be making a comeback if with the necessity of blindess to true belief in the essence of bourgeoisie ignorance. We choose to ignore the Orwellian horse analogy in favor of praising the purported Robin Hood’s of our generation. Throw in a little mother-earth love and we have a solid hodge-podge of social ideals that leads us straight down a path of… huh?

With all of this greater love (with of course some figurative member of that horse-machine paying the price), I find that there is one area post-modernism has not left its imprint: foreign affairs.

With the United States waking up from its drunken stupor of the 80’s and 90’s, it seems we are looking around with a little bit of trepidation at the partners we have hopped into bed with. Did I just sleep with my best friends girl-friend question lingers in the air as we deal with the Middle East and east equally. Beer/Power goggles seem to have affected some of our decision making abilities as the hungry for glory have taken the reigns and promised invulnerability in the face of a vulnerable time.

Though this seems to be a crude and awkward association, the apt question is, what happens if we are stripped of title of Big Dog on the block?

I was reading an article about the rise and fall of Britain as a Superpower, and the analogy to our current trend. Caught in a net of our own making, intoxicated with our own power, what happens when not only the rest of the world, but the peoples of that world, realize the chain may actually have a chink in it?

The first Bush, and to be sure the second Bush, would say that to remain safe, we have to stay on top of the pile so to speak, and not that don’t disagree, but I can’t help but wonder if a little post-modernism wouldn’t actually benefit in terms of diplomacy at this stage in the game. It could be the naïveté of youth, or the hangover I am enduring myself, but the recurring nightmare of loss of control seems to have faded with the light of dawn. Still a little chagrined by activities the night before, I wonder, could safety in numbers be a more plausible step?

Britain may not be THE Superpower, but it still holds up nicely to the rest of the world. Though more vulnerable to terrorist activity, is that due to policy, or geography? Diplomacy and economic niceties have proved smart moves in placement. Coming from a bi-partisan political system, seeing the effects of too little balances and views, all paths leading to… something, might not be the worst place to land (in terms of foreign relations of course). We as a nation have always ascribed ourselves to that constant need of balance of power internally, would we be okay sharing that same stage with a few others internationally?

Hmm. The irony is not lost on me. The people of Britain, France, Germany, and most of Western Europe, that at one time or another battled to stay on top of the mountain, and eventually came tumbling down, seem to have found their equilibrium, why not us?

Or I could be completely wrong and we could all die if we do not stay the number one power. In that case, let’s hope that same post-modernism I am hodge-podging throughout this commentary saves you.

The Tension

Below is an email I sent to a friend of mine. It began as something to explain my heart: it became a statement of life. I don't know how much of that makes sense, but I can tell you this, true hunger for Christ is only born through the Holy Spirit, and though I ache, I rejoice that He has deposited in me that hunger, and I refuse to believe I am the only one that feels it. That is why I am posting it. I am posting it as a declaration of what God is going/doing, not only in me, but in a generation of people. True change can not come with love, and true passion can not come without abandon. I believe He wants both for us. I believe He wants us ravaged, breathless, overcome with His Presence the way we are by a lover.



I won't lie though, it is hard for me to leave this much honesty out on a page, but I can't help that I am a truth speaker. It is who I am, but even still I ask... am I throwing my pearls to the swine? I post it for the promise of what He is, was, and will be.



So here's the deal. You know how you talk about co-laboring with God? Well, it dawned on me about a week ago, I feel like I have been co-laboring/interceding for the revival that is going to take place for about the last 7 years of my life. This unrest with the norm, this craving/desperation for the intimate encounters, the knowledge that without His love we are nothing, the understanding that without Him we cease to exist, this incessant need to be nearer and nearer, this burning comprehension that there is more, that we are to be ravaged by Him, that He wants more, that there is power in intimacy, that only true peace comes from exchange, that the Kingdom is the only true call, this innate knowledge that we are foreigners here to bring heaven to earth... Ugh I could go on and on!!!

These things have been born and breed in me for years. They are facts I understand, they are passions I have, but they are realities I have yet to experience first hand. When I started voicing these thing I fumbled around in the dark, as if my tongue were in molasses and I couldn't quite utter the phrases that come so easily now, so the struggle came out as bitterness and frustration. People didn't understand. I remember sitting in 7 Pillars, talking about it, being honest, and proclaiming the fight, and when I was finished I looked up to see blank stares, and uncomfortable silence. It took a lot not to feel defeated. And I as I struggled, and wouldn't give up, people asked me what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I see break through? I felt so out of place... still do.

Now I see people like you and Amy(name changed), normal, everyday (though extraordinary and blessed) believers having what I have been longing... GROANING for in my spirit, it's just a little hard. I don't know, maybe it is a form of intercession that won't lift until it comes to fruition. Maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe it's just not my time. Neither of you claim perfection, so I know that can't be a requirement. That thought brings peace and unrest simultaneously.

What I really struggle with is this: I want what you have. I want it bad. I have been searching, striving, pushing, pulling, asking, not asking, reading, not reading, sacrificing, not sacrificing... I don't know everything. I keep thinking something more is expected of me, and yet I look at you and Amy and neither of you have done anymore, or any less than I. I don't mean that in any other way other than just looking at it from the perspective that it can't be about me, or you, or Audrey then. It must be about who and where and where God chooses to breath in. I live for those moments when He breathes into your soul. Those (for me) snippets of time when for one minute you feel more alive than you have ever felt. Those moments when it feels as though every cell in your body is filled with light, when your mind is flooded with nothing but the Presence and you feel more validated in being alive than ever before. Your existence makes sense... He is near. Heart finds it's resting place, and you understand the prophets of old. You would love to have nets to throw down so you could chase Him.

I have lived for months on just those few moments that are so tenuous, so fragile, and yet, they shouldn't be. They should be weighted down, immobile by His power.

I hate that I feel I can control God. My heart feels so dead at times. So numb. Immune to joy, to life, to love, to hope. I hate that I want to break it myself and feel, and yet I know.. I know that the only thing that can is Him. I am completely vulnerable to when and where He chooses to move. The irony does not escape me. I would DO ANYTHING for Him and yet know I can do nothing to gain more of Him. I can pursue, I can ask, I pound heaven, but only He opens the door. You did nothing to earn the experience of Sunday. That is a beautifully frustrating thing. It is not dependent on your perfection, your righteousness without Him, yet you wait with bated breath for the next moment.

I will/would follow Him to the ends of the earth. I would sacrifice mind, body and soul for Him, yet in Zephania it says He desires loyalty, not sacrifice.

He should not be this untouchable, but for me He is. I know that can't be the truth, I have examples of others that it isn't that way for, but I don't know what to think. I don't want to think the secret thoughts that I do, fearing that maybe it is my lot in life to settle. Maybe I am not chosen for the sort of experience I desire. Logically that can't be it, but for the heart of a woman struggling, those lies loom large and powerful. Could it be, that as I have found I have the personality of a prophet, that as an answer to my prayer years ago for use in any way, I am to be the burden bearer for a generation? Could my place be to know the longing as God does and carry it with me? I don't know.

I wait. I just wait, and pray that hope deferred does not make my heart too sick for recovery. As I sit here writing this, my heart longs, tears fight to fall as I hold them back. I don't know what He wants. My heart wants to believe it is just me, so I answer by throwing myself at Him. Grasping into thick darkness. I wander through a maze, feeling hedged by that I can't completely understand, bouncing off walls I can't see. I don't want to be jealous when I hear either of you talk. I hate that I feel that way. I feel like a jealous lover watching her husband go off with another woman. How can you rejoice for that woman? How sad (angry connotation, not sympathetic) is that? How stupid.

Please, just pray for me. I will fight this battle as I have for years, and I will not give up, but in this moment I am so tired. I am so disheartened. I just want Him. The only peace I find is in just waiting. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do. I actually don't want anyone to say or do anything. I am tired of relying on others for the voice of my Husband. I want His voice. That being said, if you really do feel like He is saying something specific, don't stop. I will take anything. Also, you are welcome to send this on to anyone you think may have some insight or revelation, or even is an intercessor that can pray for me.

Redemption

What was stolen being returned ten fold

Healing words, touches and actions breaking a cynical heart,

The knowledge that He has given me something no one can take away, purity that is a beautiful aroma to Him.

Words spoken into the secret places of my heart, that only He knows.

Through my grief, my anger,

my pride, my doubt, my blame, my adultery... You, You have blessed me. You made me a bride, and I left You. You gave me provision, and I stole still. You loved, and I rejected. Your goodness is unfathomable, Your faithfulness necessary for my life. I don't exist with You, my heart does not breath without Your breath. Your beauty frightens me with it's power, Your

love confuses a diseased mind. I need you more than breath,

more than life, more than even I can comprehend.

I want you like a jealous lover I wish I had more of You. I want to see and feel and know You the way a wife knows her Husband. The way she knows what he likes and doesn't like, the way He calls her name, the way He whispers only the things she can hear. I want to share moments with You that rival the greatest romance novel. You

have this imagination, and creativity when it comes to wooing, that blows my mind. I want more of it! I want more of You. I crave Your pillow talk. I need to hear Your words about life, hope, fear, and success.

For now I will say though, Your redemption has been sweet. Everything lost has been gained back. My future is secure in You. Show me Your path for me and I will walk it without fear. Beautiful You...

Don't You know? You have won my heart... and I know I have won Yours.

Holy Crap

I don't get it. I don't get you.

I have known you less than two weeks and already I wear you like a comfortable pair of sweats. Warm, cozy and so completely perfect.

How have you already won my heart? I walk around with butterflies in my stomach, a smile on my face, and ridiculous giggles escaping as I think of the last thing you said to me. Who is this woman?! I don't even recognize myself.

Somewhere in the midst of me finding every wrong man, you walked in and swept me off my feet. Disorienting for sure, but amazing for sure. With you, there is no past, there is no future, only the present exists. I have never lived for the moment more. I have never been more happy with the exactly the way something is.

What do you even see in me? I think the crazy thing is, you see me, I mean really see me. Who was it that said the greatest thing is to know and be known? It's like in an instant you saw me. You really saw me.

I don't want to make too much out of this though. I hesitate to say too much, to reveal too much.

I don't want to jinx it, I don't want to make it into something it isn't.

I fear the falling, I fear the landing.

We are both standing at the precipice: I guess only time will tell if we jump.

Failing again

I was reading what you wrote again, and not only what you wrote, but the way you wrote it. It was lyrical and beautiful, like a mournful melody that can break open even the hardest of hearts. I was grateful for it, I needed to be broken.

I think I am beginning to understand. I think it's starting to click. I really can't do this on my own can I? I really can't love you the way I want to. At least not without you. The irony is not lost on me. I must receive your love, and the strength of your love, and even the ability to love, to love you back. You must give me the ability to love to love you. I know I keep saying it, but it just strikes me as odd. Actually, it makes me sad. You deserve so much more than that. I should be able to love you because of you. Because you are perfect, and holy and lovely and good and generous and kind and strong and so... well, my whole world. It feels so strange, are these steps forwards or backwards?

I tried to do it on my own and I fell apart. you healed me, and like the 9 lepers, I just kept right on walking. I did not run back and ask to walk with you, there was no gratefulness in me. My shame is deep over that. Your healing was turned against you. Can you change that in me? Can you make that different? I know you have forgiven me, your love is too deep not to, but can I change? Can you do a mericle in my heart and change me? I am so desperate for you to. I want to please you and feel you smile.

My pride was so arrogant. I thought I would love you forever, and cling to you forever because of me. How ironic. Uh! I don't breathe without you. I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't live, I don't know, understand, comprehend... I don't exist without. If you were to cease, I would also. I forgot that. I thought I loved you out of my own power, once again, my shame is deep. I took credit for what you did, I believed not in you, but in me. Of course I ended up doubting, I was believing in something that hinges on insanity most of the time.

Oh great one. Oh creator, even now, I doubt your ability to change me. the only thing that gives me hope is your own word says you are bigger than my heart. You are beyond it. My hope for change, for growth, for the ability to honor you, it is only in you.

I think I trust you, I know I don't trust myself. I will run. I thought I was so faithful, I thought I was so good. you have shown me otherwise. You have humbled me with your truth.

I guess I will wait for you to lead me from here. I will wait for you to touch me witht hat touch only you can impart. That vision, that tought, that voice that speaks down into my inner most being. The true voice of intimacy, my favorite voice. I never feel as alive as when I hear or feel it. Its like a rushing wind into my soul. Like a heat source bring blood back to damaged tissue. How do you explain a fingertip so gentle and beautiful grazing over scar tissue? You don't. You just wait and desperately pray for it again. You sit and hope with all hope that graces you again.

I will build my life around those moments, pressing in for more. Let the strength you give me to love you be known it is from you and only you.

My savior, please don't ever stop saving me. I love you.

I never thought I would feel this way

I didn’t expect that reaction.

 

I didn’t expect to miss you. You walked in and it was like someone took a rake and stripped off every ounce of anger I had at you. I was fine before. I knew what was what, who I was, what I was, everything made sense. I was strong, I was ready, I was prepared. My long-suffering confidence was there.

 

Then you walked in. All the hurt, and the bitterness, the frustration, the righteous indignation… gone. The air left my lungs in an involuntary explosion of air. I had almost gotten out of my chair to greet you, then it hit again: You weren’t there for me, you weren’t going to come up and kiss me, and stand next to me. I wasn’t yours anymore. All of the sudden vertigo hit. My place was shaken. Two identities clashed, and for a moment I didn’t know which was going to win.

 

I forced myself to smile and stay seated. I looked at your face, and there it was, every emotion I didn’t expect. Uncertainty, unease, fear, indignation and the one I least expected, hidden beneath the rest, away from the eyes of those that don’t know you as well as I: vulnerability.

 

It had taken 3 seconds at most, but there it all was. 

I think the second day is worse. I am left to grapple with all of what this meant. This rollercoaster of grief and emotion, I never know where it will go next. One day I am moved on and happy, the next… well I never know do I?

 

It’s amazing. Just the sight of you in that setting, in that place, at that time, every use of anger and hurt I had used, no matter how justified, ripped away. Maybe it was time, maybe I am ready, maybe this is part of acceptance, but you aren’t the villain anymore. (A derisive laugh escapes) I wish you were. I wish I could keep you there forever, trapped in the mental image of you as a total bastard. I can’t though. Not anymore. I wish I could hate, but Someone else is calling me to something else... forgiveness. True forgiveness.

 

A friend said it best, “You could see the regret written on his face like it was just yesterday.” I had comforted myself with the idea that you regretted nothing, that I was something to just pass by. Something you didn’t know, or care to know the value of. I guess the reality that you did love me, and I did love you had to come crashing down some time. It just didn’t work. We just couldn’t work. You were too you, and I was too me. It was never going to work, but we did do a damn good job of making it last though, didn’t we?

 

So now what am I left with? The truth. I miss you (said with a sad smile). I miss you a lot. I know it can never be, and I know it should never be, but I also know… I don’t know, I guess I just wish. I wish I could talk to you and you could tell me how sorry you are, and I wish I could know you mean it. I wish I could tell you I was sorry for hating you. I wish we were different. I wish I could trust you. I wish you could be enough for you, and I could be enough for me, and we loved each other for the people we really are. I wish you knew me now. I wish.... I wish.... uh! I just wish so much.

 

These impossibilities haunt a little now. They cloud my dreams and enter my day time visions. They hurt just a touch. Now that my scabs were ready to come off, the pain is a little different, a little sweeter, a little less overwhelming, but a little sadder. A little more mournful. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you. It doesn’t have to, that’s okay. I think it can only make sense for me. You aren't the enemy anymore, but then again, neither am I.

 

I love you. I think I always will. I can’t not. I gave you too much, and you gave me too much. (Tears starting to fall) I really, really do want you to be happy. I want you to find… I don’t know… everything.