I never thought I would feel this way

I didn’t expect that reaction.

 

I didn’t expect to miss you. You walked in and it was like someone took a rake and stripped off every ounce of anger I had at you. I was fine before. I knew what was what, who I was, what I was, everything made sense. I was strong, I was ready, I was prepared. My long-suffering confidence was there.

 

Then you walked in. All the hurt, and the bitterness, the frustration, the righteous indignation… gone. The air left my lungs in an involuntary explosion of air. I had almost gotten out of my chair to greet you, then it hit again: You weren’t there for me, you weren’t going to come up and kiss me, and stand next to me. I wasn’t yours anymore. All of the sudden vertigo hit. My place was shaken. Two identities clashed, and for a moment I didn’t know which was going to win.

 

I forced myself to smile and stay seated. I looked at your face, and there it was, every emotion I didn’t expect. Uncertainty, unease, fear, indignation and the one I least expected, hidden beneath the rest, away from the eyes of those that don’t know you as well as I: vulnerability.

 

It had taken 3 seconds at most, but there it all was. 

I think the second day is worse. I am left to grapple with all of what this meant. This rollercoaster of grief and emotion, I never know where it will go next. One day I am moved on and happy, the next… well I never know do I?

 

It’s amazing. Just the sight of you in that setting, in that place, at that time, every use of anger and hurt I had used, no matter how justified, ripped away. Maybe it was time, maybe I am ready, maybe this is part of acceptance, but you aren’t the villain anymore. (A derisive laugh escapes) I wish you were. I wish I could keep you there forever, trapped in the mental image of you as a total bastard. I can’t though. Not anymore. I wish I could hate, but Someone else is calling me to something else... forgiveness. True forgiveness.

 

A friend said it best, “You could see the regret written on his face like it was just yesterday.” I had comforted myself with the idea that you regretted nothing, that I was something to just pass by. Something you didn’t know, or care to know the value of. I guess the reality that you did love me, and I did love you had to come crashing down some time. It just didn’t work. We just couldn’t work. You were too you, and I was too me. It was never going to work, but we did do a damn good job of making it last though, didn’t we?

 

So now what am I left with? The truth. I miss you (said with a sad smile). I miss you a lot. I know it can never be, and I know it should never be, but I also know… I don’t know, I guess I just wish. I wish I could talk to you and you could tell me how sorry you are, and I wish I could know you mean it. I wish I could tell you I was sorry for hating you. I wish we were different. I wish I could trust you. I wish you could be enough for you, and I could be enough for me, and we loved each other for the people we really are. I wish you knew me now. I wish.... I wish.... uh! I just wish so much.

 

These impossibilities haunt a little now. They cloud my dreams and enter my day time visions. They hurt just a touch. Now that my scabs were ready to come off, the pain is a little different, a little sweeter, a little less overwhelming, but a little sadder. A little more mournful. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you. It doesn’t have to, that’s okay. I think it can only make sense for me. You aren't the enemy anymore, but then again, neither am I.

 

I love you. I think I always will. I can’t not. I gave you too much, and you gave me too much. (Tears starting to fall) I really, really do want you to be happy. I want you to find… I don’t know… everything.