A thin line between love and hate

How can you love someone and hate someone so much at the same time? How can you want them to ask for forgiveness, and yet not want to forgive? Exhaustion overwhelms as I think about him and me and everything in between. I fear seeing him, yet morbid fascination keeps me looking around every corner. I wonder, does he read my blog? Does he hear what I say? Does he see me when I don't see him? What does he think?

In my heart of hearts, I want to see him fall. Fall of his pride, and crash, right in front of me. I want him shown to all for the charlatan he is. I want justice. I want him to come to me begging for forgiveness broken over the pain he caused me for years, the wounds he dug deeper everyday, the trauma he brought to my doorstep. I want hear him ask for my forgiveness, then I want to take him through every memory, and instance to feel what I felt. To know what I go through now and how hard healing is. I want to see him suffer as I have. The justice of knowing he finally understands, his eyes are open and he finally sees. Then I want to see him shout from the roof tops all of the wrong things he did and tell everyone that believes ill about me how wrong they are and how right I am. I want my character in the community back and the understanding of what was once friends. I want vengeance and justice and... and... something. I don't know, something that will ease this weight.

You know what the thing that sucks the most about wanting all of this? I know that even if I got it, it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't change a damn thing. Because what I really want is impossible. I want him to have been something he wasn't and won't ever be. I secretly want him to finally see me and my worth and love it, like he never did before. The sickest part is, I still want him to love me and the hard part is, it will never happen. It CAN'T ever happen. I don't want him, but I want him to want me. I want some freedom in at least knowing he feels something.

Someday I will have to heal from this. I will have to move on. Hopefully it will be the day I learn that though he treated me with no value, I still have it, and I don't need to hear it from him. Hopefully it will be the day I no longer feel a stab of so magnanimous emotion when I see or think of him.

Until then, I pray. Not for him, I can't yet, but for me, for the justice of my God.