Collisions of course

I always thought this journey would look different. I thought it would be more... magical. Visions, words from the Spirit, lyrical musings that would bring everyone I knew to a collect gasp of realization out how amazing You are in my life. 

Instead, I have a journal full of half phrases, erratic emotions and a mouth that speaks before the thought has fully entered the brain. Instead of a legacy of brilliance, it would seem I am leaving a legacy of well... normalcy. 

That being said, I can't deny that a new phase has been entered. And leave it to You to bring it to my attention threw the most ordinary of ways. Not while worshiping in a deep moment of rapture, nor in a moment of quiet stillness while I wait at your feet and not even during a time of "journaling" and reading the Bible. No, I was washing dishes. Washing dishes, listening to a worship song that instead of making me feel like I was on the cusp of heaven, made me want to rip out the vocal chords of the worship leader for having the talent and insight in her strumming hand that I have in my entire body (including that which I have had trained in by professionals). Needless to say, it was a very spiritual time for me.

For a few weeks, I have been pondering a few issues, and like usually, feeling as though they were separate and unrelated. Silly me. One was "spiritual" and the other was "relational." Completely different right? I shake my head in wonder at the level of density that is my mind. 

I will say this, the one thing that has been the most consistent theme in my life has been the one I never thought would be: marriage. Mine to someone else, Yours to me, and the eventuality of another one looming in the distance. 

This constant theme has been something to wrestle with. As I struggled to find depth in You, truth in You... love in You, I learned what it looked like to dedicate myself to someone out of ignorance, denial and superficiality, and a serious lack of intimacy. It nearly killed me.  Paralleled to what I felt I had been doing with You, I mimicked it in a shell of a marriage that raped my soul in more ways than I can still put words to. 

Then I was rescued from it. And as You rescued me from it, You rescued me from the distant and confused vision I had of You. It was as if a wall had fallen. It wasn't explainable, it wasn't expected, one day it was just gone, and it took me months to realize it. To see how I was relating to You different. 

Then I ran. I had to. I had to breathe different air, see different sites, feel my own skin for the first time. I had to hear my own voice and realize I wasn't a figment of my own imagination. I hadn't dreamed myself up. I was real, and the choices I made, they were mine. For all the good, for all the bad, they were mine. And I assume, while I ran wild and free, bleeding everywhere, but enjoying the feeling of... feeling for the first time, You watched. You just watched and waited. And as like all whirling dervishes, I spun into a pile of nothing just like I had to. 

I came home to lick my wounds finally. That was my first taste of peace and torment. We started about then. I heard my first whispers in the valley. My fields were dry, my soul was a wasteland. I had run and you took away my harvest moons. Now I was waiting, without even knowing it. 

You told me things I couldn't have imagined. Soft whispers that I had to strain to hear, You were so gentle, so quiet. I had to slow down to hear You. I had to sit still. You made a promise to me then. Not one I fully understood yet, but a promise none the less. 

Then the real wooing began. Love trickled in completely unexpectedly. All of the sudden the world was answered. Anything I wanted laid out before me. Love, travel, a future, adventure. It was so magical. A whirlwind of romance, tender words, walls falling, the softening of my heart. I didn't even know it was happening, I guess that was how it had to be. Unexpected. Love through the backdoor. 

You took my hand and pulled me away, and set me in the cliff of a rock. Nothing behind me, nothing in front of me, just You and me, and the promise of the hear and now. Your jealousy is viscous and beautiful. Loneliness turned to joy at the realization of how honored I was by Your plan. 

Now we have come to another stage. A stage I am not sure I am yet ready for. A place that is so new and so wholly unknown, the black on the other side of the door freezes me to the "Welcome" mat. 

You have wooed me, and now You are asking me to trust You to provide all that You promised in the time of romance. You are asking me to leave the valley with You. To walk back into life and work at this marriage. To get practical. 

This is one of the hardest places yet. Promises happened once, were broken, and it took so long for me to even hear the promises and not hate You for saying them again. How many times can a heart shatter? You promised provision, presence, trustworthiness. You promised patience, kindness and... provision. You promised hope, joy, peace and... provision. 

It's the one I always come back to. It's the hardest for me to trust in. I have watched many a marriage fail over this very issue. How, how do I trust You in this? How do I not bet, plan, prepare for You to fail me? 

Can You be all of the things promised? 

Stuck between the rock and hard place of asking You to not ask this of me, and at the same time knowing how much I would love to. How wonderful it would be to put it in Your hands and watch a miracle unfold. 

So inadvertently I have been avoiding You. I have been running and hiding and... eating. I can't sleep, I can't think clearly, and I can't get away from it. 

So I sit here. Staring at a TV screen I refuse to turn on, not being able to go to any of my default mechanisms since You conveniently pressed me to give them up for lent. Thanks. 

I will confess, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do, and I have no clue as to how to trust You. I am scared frozen. Flashes of my failed marriage parade through my mind at an intense pace and I can't help but begin to cry as the brokenness that usually is patched nicely boils to the surface. 

Please don't ask me to trust You if it is just going to look like me taking care of us both. I know that can't be You, but that's all I know. 

The most I can give You is the trust that You will know how to handle me. That You know what I need to be able to cross this bridge. I pray that counts for some thing. 

Beautifully Tragic

I spent tonight with every man's dream... two beautiful women that will someday run the world. 

Now trust me, I don't say that lightly, but the fact is, I am surrounded everyday by girls and boys that will someday run this country, and because we live in a hegemony controlled by the West that is ultimately run by the US, ultimately means they will someday run the world. And honestly, I am okay with that. 

As I sat there in my infinite wisdom of my three more years and a lifetime of experiences have given me, I couldn't help but feel the inadequate den mother. The one that should have the answers, the earth shattering truths that will take them into the future and beyond... but no. All I have is a list of dont's and a handful of cautions that make wisdom look like a cheap set of parlor tricks and cheesy videos of celibacy and savings accounts. 

I used to think that my mistakes and failures would mean a better life for someone else, but I have begun to realize how arrogant that is. I mean, after all, how many people did I listen to at 21, when I knew the world was small, the future was short, and I was queen of the world?

Only your own path can explain the reason's for experiences. And at the same time that is a comfort, it is a great tragedy. How sad that I am the only one that will benefit from these lesson's of catastrophic nature. A list of heart breaks, revelations and midnight epiphany's fill my head, but even as that thought finishes itself in my mind I realize how naive I am. 

So what if the lesson's I have learned would only be for me? What if no one else would ever benefit from them? Would that make them any less powerful, or real, or truthful? Or does that just mean that I am important enough, that the God of the universe would set a path in front of me that was purposed for me and me alone. Could that be true? Could it be that humbling, and that gracious, and that wonderful, and that beautiful? 

My life takes on a whole new meaning as I realize that I am not only inadequate, but purposefully so. The answers are not for me to give, but for me to introduce the idea of inadequacy to someone new. "I don't know" could be the most powerful phrase in the english language if used correctly. Could it mean that there are desires beyond our own need to recognized to allow God to speak directly to each individual, including ourselves? 

As I ponder this more and allow the depth to encase my heart and soul, a freedom fills me. I question the freedom, wondering at the meaning, depth, and purpose of it. Then two fold, the realization hits me: it is not only for me, but for everyone I encounter. My story no longer has power, what has power is the Holy Spirit. Thank God. That means I no longer need to carry the burden of what I may say, but instead, spend my time praying that God be present either in me, or through me. It means I no longer have control over the Holy Spirit, but He has control over me. 

Beautifully Tragic my story seems, but it is no longer a concern of mine. My story was for me, and everyone else's is for them. Joy to the Lord for He is personal and true. May I rejoice in the truth He speaks to each individual I meet, and may I be humble enough to understand that truth does not often come from my inadequate mouth. For if His wise and good knowledge allows me to speak truth, Lord knows, it will be when I least expect it, and even more, most likely when I am saying something I think is stupid and pointless.

Thank you Lord for never allowing me to think what I say has more value than Your truth in someone else's life. May I always seek Your truth in my own first, theirs second, and heaven's third. Fear of You is the beginning of wisdom; that being said, I am not ashamed to say, I am scared to death of speaking in Your name. Let someone in their false confidence screw that up. 

Love You,

Peace OUT!

A clanging Gong

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on the nature of spirituality. The expressions and the desires of such gifting.

I have long believed in the gifts of the Spirit, since they are just such things, gifts. Speaking in tongues, interpretation, prophecy, exhortation, evangelism, teaching, discernment... just to name a few. I have seen them dramatically expressed with power and authority, and I have seen quiet expressions of the same gifts, not with any less authority.

My struggle is, as a woman of many colors and stories and battles, I have made a habit of wearing my struggles and weaknesses on my sleeve. Never ashamed of what I have been through, what I am going through and where I am going, I am have been an open book. Granted at times, I have been such things maybe more as a weapon than a defense, but nonetheless, it has become my life. Let all find the light, as that which is hidden will be revealed anyways. But, back to my main point, I believe that this sort of choice in life has hindered me in being viewed as a viable capable source of wisdom or maturity. 

Now that statement in itself may be slightly immature, and thus I may be proving many a point in saying it, but the real reason I bring it up is not for me, but for maybe a sort of... grander purpose. 

Have some in the church become so wrapped in the idea of strength being expressed through the use of the afore mentioned gifts, that those that do not express them in a prescribed way are seen as, dare I say it, weaker?

Now that very long and contrived question may be slightly confusing for those that have never encountered such actions as prophecy, discernment, speaking tongues, words of knowledge and the like, but let me tell you, they are powerful. They are meant to be. They are for the purpose of edification of the body, and I find them not only legitimate, but extremely important. So maybe my question is more for those that have a history with these sort of activities and workings, but the question still remains: is it a sign of weakness to not express them?

The relationship with Jesus is a very personal thing. I know, I know, everyone knows that, but let me say it again. The relationship with Jesus is very personal. Meaning individual. Meaning specific. See, that is the beauty and the confusion of this wonderful thing we call a journey. Everyone is made with what I like to call personal pock marks. Small scars or defects or little foibles that make us us. Jesus and the Spirit have the amazing desire and purpose to form a relationship with each one of us that fits those little imperfections to a T. What works for one member of the body may not work for another member of a body, unless it is tweaked, or changed somehow.

We are all meant to pour into each other, to love, to support, to be in joy with, to be in pain with, to go to the heights with, and go to the depths with. That is what makes us a community. That doesn't mean, however, that we may know more about that person and their relationship with Christ, than they do. 

What does this all have to do with the spirituality of my initial question? It has been in my experience in the last few years, that God has been calling us back to what some would call the mysticism of the apostles. And I would agree with them. I think He is. I think He is up there scratching His head going "Okay, so I have given you guys all of these cool tools and gifts and ways to love others and me, and to encourage and just make my relationship with you ten times better, and for, like the last 1,000 years, you have been ignoring them. Huh." So I may be paraphrasing, but that is what God sounds like in my head. 

That being said, I have seen a large swing in that direction. Great, awesome. My concern is, with that, there are those that may be able to harness those gifts a little more readily than others, and the "others" at times, seem to forget that they are gifts not just for a few, but for all. And on top of that, not only are they gifts for all, but sometimes the expression of them may look completely different depending on who the person is, what the situation is and the way that God wants to reach each individual. 

See this is what really gets me. The other day I reached out to a few people I knew and thought I could trust to pray and seek out wisdom with me. You know what I got in return? From two, nothing, and from one, something off the wall and completely offensive. On the same day, another friend of mine that I dearly love, had written me a card for Valentines day, sent it to me that said I love you and am so proud of you. It made me cry. 

I was so humbled. I had become one of the "others." I assumed that since these few people that I had seen "God speak through" I thought that they were better to ask than anyone else. It was someone else, someone that may not be as mystically expressive, that God used to speak something powerful and beautiful and poignant into my life. Where was I on that one? I had even fallen into the category of being so naive as to think that their relationships with Jesus were stronger because they had the expressions I desired. I so devalued the way that the Spirit speaks to me, the validity of my own experience so much that I was sucked into this giant lie that someone else had better access to God than me. How sad. How humiliating, how deceived. The gifts are poured out on all, expressed differently by everyone.

I came from a place where some people thought that the Christians that "sinned less" and had "better works" were stronger and more loved and better to lead. Now I have come to a place where those that "hear more" or "have visions" or "prophecy" more are better to lead. So which one was based on works again?

This can be dangerous. If we begin to assume that only a few have the monopoly, have the edge, that can get sticky. If there are those that have picked up on this trend (in a sense) faster than others, why is training of others, or the assumption that others have the same access to those gifts and revelations not just as prevalent? If we assume that just a few have it, what a ripe scenario for the enemy to have a field day. 

My favorite verse at this moment, is  I Corinthians 13:1-3. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am resounding gong, or clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 

This is indisputable. This is not something we can squirm out of. Love is essential. What is a clanging gong, or a resounding symbol? It's annoying, it's actually quite painful to hear. Long enough and your ears may begin to stop hearing, or you may go deaf. How harsh is it to say you can prophecy until you are blue in the face, but if it is done with no love, with no kindness, patience, grace, empathy, or even just silence at times, you are nothing. Nothing. There is no point to you. You are empty. Wow. Harsh, and so beautiful.

If you think about it, this clause, this phrase is so important. So vital. It is a clause to a contract of freedom that is bound in protection. It is to protect the body. To preserve the beauty of the gift and to protect the person speaking. It is a harness to a tongue too immature to speak. A bridal to a mind that is sharp, but so sharp, it may cut. If God is love than we are to act in accordance with that. There is no arrogance in that. 

God Himself is the one and only entity that exists that has the right to boast and to be arrogant. He holds the patent on perfection, and He Himself says He is love, and He Himself also says that love does not boast and is not arrogant. He does not need to validate, prove, or to express Himself in a selfish way. He is fully humble in who and what He is. That is so powerful. 

I will confess, the temptation to use the gifts of the spirit to laud my own validity over someone else has always been a temptation, but the more time I have spent alone, the more time I have spent with others, and the more time I have been wrong, I have learned something very different. 

The expressions of ancient mysticism, while important and valid and beautiful, is not any more important, not any more valid and not any more spiritual, than a kindly spoken word. Than a character free of arrogance and the desire to be better than. Than a heart quick to listen and slow to speak. It is not more spiritual than sharing a laugh over dinner, having a night in with friends and sharing life. It can not be more spiritual than owning mistakes, confession, forgiveness and walking in humility. There are times to stand on the corner and pray out loud, but I believe those times may be fewer and farther in between than the times to just sit quietly and wait. No wisdom is wisdom at all that comes from our own minds. Wisdom, true wisdom, is only a something that can be imparted from the Spirit. 

Every encounter with Jesus has power. Even if it is alone, in your room, never to be spoken of with anyone. See, every exchange of heaven to earth moves the spiritual. So whether or not it is known or unknown matters not. That means that even though I wear my struggles on my sleeve, the victories, the revelations of beauty, those I tuck close to my heart. Those are the private ones. Why share pillow talk with public? That is between Him and I, to be shared only when it is right. That being said, whether or not I express my spirituality in tongues, words, or visions, means nothing. In fact, it means nothing, in terms of strength or privilege, to everyone. Or at least it should mean nothing. I know the gifts are available to me. I know I could express them if God wanted at the right time and place. I know they are there to help me and the body, but only when used in conjunction with Him and love. That means I don't need to do it. That means I don't need it to validate my relationship with Him. That means that if I do or don't express them, He is still just as present, as real, as loud, as loving with me, that He is with anyone else. 

It sheds a different light on those gifts. It makes me want to be more careful with them. More careful with what I say and do in His name, as though it is from His mouth. It makes me want to be more quiet, and wait more, and I am so thankful for that. I don't have to seek out words and visions, if He wants me to have them, I will, and I have, when appropriate, when I have felt Him urging. Not, in any way shape or form do I claim perfection though. At this point, just so I don't shove my foot in my mouth (like I tend to do), I have taken to saying nothing. I assume when I am 80, I ma be able to speak to someone with a word of knowledge and know without a doubt it is Him, but until then. I will just blog.

Quietly waiting.

To find you in every moment.

To hear you in the noise and silence alike.

I desire a commandment to follow to show my devotion.

I way to sacrifice to prove my love,

What can I do to hear you say,

"Move this way or that."

I would jump and go, push and pull,

yield to the spirit, I must! 

Holy joy of sacrifice, I desire to accomplish.

Harder still, is the question to stay.

To hold still,

To recognize the waiting,

The waiting room to the Sacred place.

The options masquerading as life,

Still fools my dim sight.

The holy sacrifice is not in movement,

but in standing still.

The commandment is not a command at all,

But a quiet... "I want only you..."