Loneliness is the key to happiness?

Isolationism is a good thing. And no, I don't mean in the political foreign policy sort of way... although that is debatable. Anywhoo...  

What I means is, the general consensus of most people, I believe is that loneliness is the worst form of depression. It breeds this intense sort of island that only the person bearing the brunt of the loneliness can understand. And mostly I would agree, until recently.  

I have spent most of my life trying to understand myself. Hell, I think that is bares itself out fairly well through my somewhat egotistical need to blog my all important thoughts right? Well let the illumination of salvation come... once again, I was wrong. And when I mean wrong, I mean really, profoundly, intensely, wonderfully, hopefully, brilliantly wrong. I love it when that happens (truly, no sarcasm intended).  

See, the first two weeks I was here, I was sufficiently distracted with the trappings of setting up a life here, that the being with no one but myself didn't really matter. I had TV and a cat, I was set. Well about two weeks of that, and I think my head started to explode. My poor cat actually tried to sew my mouth shut with here own whiskers just to keep me from talking to her anymore. Restlessness that I have never truly known set in. TV can only take you so far, so when that didn't do the trick anymore, I was left with really... nothing. Just me. I had left Christ at home with everyone I know, forgetting that He is just as much a part of me as He is them.  

Time and the Spirit had it's way with me, and I found myself so restless I was I brought to tears. Anxious, hurting, lonely, frustrated, the only source I found was inside me, and hell, that was sure not going to do the trick. I don't even like me most of the time, how am I supposed to be alone with me for that long? It's like living a small cell with someone you really don't like. Eventually you have to make friends if only to keep yourself from going insane.  

All of the trappings I had built to keep myself propped up in the past came crashing down in the glory of tears and a lot of Myspace usage. I guess those trappings weren't as sturdy as I had thought.  

All of the arguments I had made to keep progress from happening all of the sudden were worth nothing. Being a victim, by myself, wasn't fun anymore.  

One night, I sat down to blog, and my world came crashing in again, this time in the form of that gracious entity we call the Holy Spirit. In all the glory I know He has, in all the love I know He possess, in the unfathomable reality that He is, He cracked me.  

It didn't take much, but man, when He moves, it's swift, and perfect (on that part I will claim I have always been right on). He cut right to the heart of the issues, my heart. With passion, conviction, love and patience, I heard the words that made my life worth living "It took 3,000 miles to get you away from all you have known that wasn't me. I have waited SO LONG for this time with you. Welcome to Egypt."  

I am not going to lie, it was hard for me to choke down. As sobs emanated from me, every feeling I have ever felt gushed out. Rejection, hurt,, passion, desire, fear... blood and water mixed as I choked out one question: "Why?"  

Then I got it. I couldn't see Him through the veil of everything I had known. I had to be rescued again. Not from a marriage this time, but from me. From every good intention, from every misguided thought, from every heartbreaking attempt to see Him through the eyes of everyone but me. This time is sacred. Not for forming of a life, but for the forming of a relationship. His and mine. The most precious one there is. The only one that matters.  

For once, what I am going to be, what I will do, who I am, none of that matters. I have been pulled away from herd, selected from the group and chosen for a time separate. I have been pursued. The implantation of desire for Him brought me out here, completely unwittingly. Grace is knowledge not yet realized and beneficent actions of the entity which holds that knowledge until the right moment. Like a horse chasing a carrot, I came out here, and like Him, my mind was blown bigger and better than ever.  

In the midst of this learning, the realization does settle in that I am scared it will go away. That I will ruin it somehow. I will set up a life again, the same trappings, the same perspectives, the same downfalls, just a different coast. I am a creature of habit after all. I just don't want to. I want to learn Him knew. I want this to last forever. I want to be lonely, only to be satisfied by Him. Is that too much to ask? Guess I will find out... as long as I don't screw it up.

Tears and Fears

Two weeks. I have been gone, or here, for two weeks. The streets have started to look familiar, and the humidity doesn't effect me anymore. The campus still feels like everyones but mine, and I am still trying to figure out a place here, but here I am none the less. 

So often I sit in a coffee shop, or I go for a walk, and I look around, just watching. Faces of the young pass so fast they start to blend. Ironically I think I know I love those I left more than ever. I am living in one of the most powerful cities in the world. Laws are passed, policies are made, and the powerful step down from their podiums just long enough to brush with the bourgeoisie, but I have never felt more disconnected. More at a loss, more... lonely. An emotion so foreign, so alien to me. The four walls that I exist in know me more than the pavement just outside. 

Last night I climbed into bed, turned off the lights and laid there. The city lights were bright and intrusive, the noise from below inviting and isolating at the same time. I looked out the window and life was below. In between the honking horns, and the shouts of greetings, laughter caught on a breeze floated up into my bedroom. It was carefree laughter, the kind that can only come when it is an inside joke. Something spoken in the silliness of the moment. 

I couldn't help but laugh with it as a tear rolled down my cheek and it the covers below me. I know what I am doing is good, it is a good, good thing. An opportunity most would die for. I am living my dreams right? Taking back that which was stolen. Hooray for me, right? Why does it hurt so much then? Why do I feel so out of place, and lost? Why is everything a fight? I can't help but see the irony that a lot of hard things in my life are cloaked in "goodness." 

I am trying to find You here. trying to see your path for me, but to be honest, it's hard. So much of the time I just see blank spots and walls. Once again, I feel like a fish out of water, wondering what pond I will land in next. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, but there are times I feel as though the pre-life crisis I have faced (and henceforth overcome) have actually stunted me. I can no longer settle for relationships based on banal commonality, and teachings shrouded in "seeker friendly" ideals. Once again, the trust I want to place in You is waning. I want to say "You brought me out here, You will take care of it," but I fear what happens if in two months I still feel the same way. Disappointment is not foreign, but how much can one take?

I guess I have no choice. Once again, I am out on a limb here. 

I take a breath out as I finish the prayer running through my head. With the breath, once again, I release my future, my present, and my past.

I am who and what I am, and I have to believe You brought me here for a reason. Lord, give me the humility to keep trusting, and the faith to keep walking. I need You.