As I continue to struggle with the great concept of what it means to be the fullest expression of me and thus Christ in me, that I can be, a picture of a very different version of myself than is exemplified on a day to day basis exists.
It's like looking in a mirror. Do I really look the way I think I look, or do others see something completely different? Am I the image in the mirror, or the image in my head? And to that extent, which is more real?
The great Bermuda Triangle of thought has been circling my head for a few weeks now. At times, I have found myself almost standing outside my own body watching as I partake in conversations, activities and events that seem to be a product of something other than the truth of who and what I thought I had begun to be introduced to by my Great Creator.
Knowing it was happening, feeling the feelings associated with the activity, feeling the criticism residing with each action or inaction, I have been in the continued fight of trying to understand the root, the birth place of the incongruence that creates a breach between me, and... well, me.
When I was back in California over the summer, like the settling of a wet blanket, I could feel the old me falling back into practice as though it had never been shed. With deep frustration and sense of powerlessness, I felt overwhelmed by the subjective power of what I was coming into contact with and unable to fight through it to regain the lost ground of my own personhood.
Knowing this was the case, when I came home to DC, the best I could do was exist enough to remind myself I was back in a place of safety and seclusion. Like a child hiding in the dark, the me I had been working so hard with God to rediscover, or even meet for the first time, I began to coax myself out of hiding. And slowly but surely, moment after moment, little bits began to come back out. The problem is, as always, this rediscovery process is never perfect, easy, or smooth. The real me tends to be skittish and easily thrown back into remission. The question has been, what makes me run and hide? What is my nemesis?
As God is always, in His graciousness, He began to open me up to a new revelation. Slowly, not to scare me, but to ease me into realization, He showed me something I had never seen before. Not surprisingly, it came through interaction with my significant other.
All of the sudden there was nothing he could do that was right. There was nothing he could do that was good enough. Every action had a justification of why it wasn't what it should be, in my mind that it. I created a picture in my mind of what it SHOULD look like rather than what it did look like, and nothing was acceptable besides my version of "right." The hardest part? Everything I thought was "right" was right... in a sense. All the things I thought that needed to be, were good, and fair things to want and need. They weren't crazy, or unrealistic. Nothing is more deceptive than a half truth.
What was the other half, the half that wasn't truth? Well, they may have been good things to want, I wasn't wanting them because they were good, I was wanting them because I was afraid. If things stayed the way they were, those circumstances would require a measure of trust, faith, grace and hope I wasn't sure I could handle. They would require me to put to bed the fears based on the past, and the wounds incurred from others mistakes. It meant that I would have to risk losing love, to secure safety. Sounds much like the battle I have faced learning to trust the Lord. Funny how that happens.
If I gave all those fears, and all of those past wounds up, I would have to give up something else as well. Something I didn't know was there until I heard how powerful the voice was. I would have to give up the little voice that whispered the comparisons of my version of "right" to what the reality of the situation really was. It was the voice that told me I was "right" to hold onto what I feared. It was justifications for well... judgement. It was the voice that held the bar of estimation, the person I claimed to love, had to measure up to. I realized how inconsistent that really was. I can't love him, and judge him at the same time. I can't always hope for him and I, and criticize along the way.
As soon as I realized this, as soon as God was gracious enough to reveal my own double standards, my own personal hell I had created by imprisoning him and myself to a rigorous set of rules he had to live up to, to be worthy of my love, freedom was able to enter. The vision I had of him changed. All of the sudden he wasn't my opposition, he was my partner. He was someone I could believe in and trust, not begrudge my love until his actions were good enough, or what they "should" be. Sort of like the battle I have fought with Jesus, oh since, I don't know, FOREVER. He is never the way I think He should be, but always what I need.
The kicker comes as it always does later on. Not soon after, did the paradigm shift filter down to the level of my own self. If I was that critical of him, how critical was I of myself? More so, to be sure. So afraid of my own ability to destroy, to break, to make critical errors, I have constructed a picture of what I ought to look like, and the ironic thing is, it is the one thing that keeps me from being whatever it is that I am.
There is an old saying: "Better the devil you know, than the one you don't." If I can behaviorally modify the devil in me, that I perceive that is, much better than letting go and running amok with the one I don't. I mean, I can make it work, right? I mean I can MAKE my "right" way work. I know I can. I just messed up a few times along the way is all. I can do it now. Not that I know what the "right" thing or life or me is. I just know it when I get there.
So I impose a set of standards, a set of parameters I should live within. And when I don't act in accordance with them, better to withhold grace from myself and try to do it better next time. Don't talk too much this time. Don't say something stupid again. Stop always interjecting your opinion, no one cares. Lose more weight. Don't eat that. Study more, others do. Be a better girlfriend, love your boyfriend more. Call your friends more often. Stop spending so much money. Tithe more, it's a command. Pray more, you need it.
All good things, right? All things I should strive for, right? But what's that I said before, oh yeah, the most dangerous deception is the one that is half true. When these are based on fear, or measurements for a estimation of good, or lovable, they are just ways for me to criticize myself day after day, moment after moment. No wonder I am so damn scared to come out of hiding, I wouldn't want to be around me either. The devil I know is worse than the one I don't, I am already scared of it.
The other ironic part of this? Jesus has been working the last year of my life to convince me of not only His goodness, but His love and ability to redeem. Everyday He shows me another way He has answered a prayer, been gracious, been abounding in blessing in every stage of my life. He has taken painstaking measures to open my eyes and heart to His real, tangible, life shaping, giving, big, expansive, hopeful, redeeming love. Not just in figment of imagination, but in real, money giving, opportunity giving, 20,000 miles of travel in one year sort of ways. More than ever possible, literally answering prayers I prayed years ago sort of ways. And none of it, not one ounce of it, came predictably, through my construction of the "right" way. I am just blessed. No formulas, no measurements, no reasons why, never earned, never good enough sort of way.
See, I think the image I see in the mirror is wrong. I think it only shows half the real me. There is a side of me He knows intimately that I am still discovering, but I will never really have the chance to meet if I continue to pass judgement. The side that knows no judgement, is the side that lives out of trueness. It lives out of His grace. It's the side that loves recklessly, that sits in peace, that worships with abandon, that isn't critical of every word before and after it leaves my mouth. It isn't judging out of fear and guilt. It's the side that doesn't subject me or others to a double standard of wanting to love, but withholding when it doesn't go the way it "should." It's the side that believes in redemption, lives for His breath, and waits for His words. It's the side that trusts Him and the Him inside of me, and rather than standing outside of me and criticizing others and me, it takes up residence in my heart and mind and lives everyday in fullness.
The image in the mirror I have is a creation I have in my mind, and sadly enough, it will never measure up and will always feel inadequate. But then again, I don't even have the right to judge, so I am not sure why I do.
Better for me to wait to pass judgement until He does. But then again, I guess that means I will be waiting.... well until the judgement day. Why judge now, I can just wait until then. Besides, I am pretty sure I already know how He will judge me then... and who am I to tell Him, He's wrong?
Oh Jesus, sweet, sweet, good Jesus; thank you for your patience with me. It's saintly to be sure, and far outmeasures mine for me, You, or anyone else. Thank you for never existing in my "right" way. It's the scarier path, but the path that leads to more of You. Your words are the keys to my soul, Your revelation the breath that keeps my heart beating. Forgive me for judging things that are not mine to judge. Forgive my critical voice. Please replace it in all of Your graciousness. I need Your voice, Your truth to be my guide. This is a battle I can't wage in me, it must be You. I give myself over to Your strength and truth. I will do my best to live in the truth of Your goodness and the trust in Your answering of my prayers. Lord, heal any wounds my critical side has caused to others. Show me how to live a different way. Change my broken heart. You are the only one who can do this. You are my only hope, and the only hope I need. I love You. Thank You for being God.
