Holy Crap

I don't get it. I don't get you.

I have known you less than two weeks and already I wear you like a comfortable pair of sweats. Warm, cozy and so completely perfect.

How have you already won my heart? I walk around with butterflies in my stomach, a smile on my face, and ridiculous giggles escaping as I think of the last thing you said to me. Who is this woman?! I don't even recognize myself.

Somewhere in the midst of me finding every wrong man, you walked in and swept me off my feet. Disorienting for sure, but amazing for sure. With you, there is no past, there is no future, only the present exists. I have never lived for the moment more. I have never been more happy with the exactly the way something is.

What do you even see in me? I think the crazy thing is, you see me, I mean really see me. Who was it that said the greatest thing is to know and be known? It's like in an instant you saw me. You really saw me.

I don't want to make too much out of this though. I hesitate to say too much, to reveal too much.

I don't want to jinx it, I don't want to make it into something it isn't.

I fear the falling, I fear the landing.

We are both standing at the precipice: I guess only time will tell if we jump.

Failing again

I was reading what you wrote again, and not only what you wrote, but the way you wrote it. It was lyrical and beautiful, like a mournful melody that can break open even the hardest of hearts. I was grateful for it, I needed to be broken.

I think I am beginning to understand. I think it's starting to click. I really can't do this on my own can I? I really can't love you the way I want to. At least not without you. The irony is not lost on me. I must receive your love, and the strength of your love, and even the ability to love, to love you back. You must give me the ability to love to love you. I know I keep saying it, but it just strikes me as odd. Actually, it makes me sad. You deserve so much more than that. I should be able to love you because of you. Because you are perfect, and holy and lovely and good and generous and kind and strong and so... well, my whole world. It feels so strange, are these steps forwards or backwards?

I tried to do it on my own and I fell apart. you healed me, and like the 9 lepers, I just kept right on walking. I did not run back and ask to walk with you, there was no gratefulness in me. My shame is deep over that. Your healing was turned against you. Can you change that in me? Can you make that different? I know you have forgiven me, your love is too deep not to, but can I change? Can you do a mericle in my heart and change me? I am so desperate for you to. I want to please you and feel you smile.

My pride was so arrogant. I thought I would love you forever, and cling to you forever because of me. How ironic. Uh! I don't breathe without you. I don't sing, I don't dance, I don't live, I don't know, understand, comprehend... I don't exist without. If you were to cease, I would also. I forgot that. I thought I loved you out of my own power, once again, my shame is deep. I took credit for what you did, I believed not in you, but in me. Of course I ended up doubting, I was believing in something that hinges on insanity most of the time.

Oh great one. Oh creator, even now, I doubt your ability to change me. the only thing that gives me hope is your own word says you are bigger than my heart. You are beyond it. My hope for change, for growth, for the ability to honor you, it is only in you.

I think I trust you, I know I don't trust myself. I will run. I thought I was so faithful, I thought I was so good. you have shown me otherwise. You have humbled me with your truth.

I guess I will wait for you to lead me from here. I will wait for you to touch me witht hat touch only you can impart. That vision, that tought, that voice that speaks down into my inner most being. The true voice of intimacy, my favorite voice. I never feel as alive as when I hear or feel it. Its like a rushing wind into my soul. Like a heat source bring blood back to damaged tissue. How do you explain a fingertip so gentle and beautiful grazing over scar tissue? You don't. You just wait and desperately pray for it again. You sit and hope with all hope that graces you again.

I will build my life around those moments, pressing in for more. Let the strength you give me to love you be known it is from you and only you.

My savior, please don't ever stop saving me. I love you.

I never thought I would feel this way

I didn’t expect that reaction.

 

I didn’t expect to miss you. You walked in and it was like someone took a rake and stripped off every ounce of anger I had at you. I was fine before. I knew what was what, who I was, what I was, everything made sense. I was strong, I was ready, I was prepared. My long-suffering confidence was there.

 

Then you walked in. All the hurt, and the bitterness, the frustration, the righteous indignation… gone. The air left my lungs in an involuntary explosion of air. I had almost gotten out of my chair to greet you, then it hit again: You weren’t there for me, you weren’t going to come up and kiss me, and stand next to me. I wasn’t yours anymore. All of the sudden vertigo hit. My place was shaken. Two identities clashed, and for a moment I didn’t know which was going to win.

 

I forced myself to smile and stay seated. I looked at your face, and there it was, every emotion I didn’t expect. Uncertainty, unease, fear, indignation and the one I least expected, hidden beneath the rest, away from the eyes of those that don’t know you as well as I: vulnerability.

 

It had taken 3 seconds at most, but there it all was. 

I think the second day is worse. I am left to grapple with all of what this meant. This rollercoaster of grief and emotion, I never know where it will go next. One day I am moved on and happy, the next… well I never know do I?

 

It’s amazing. Just the sight of you in that setting, in that place, at that time, every use of anger and hurt I had used, no matter how justified, ripped away. Maybe it was time, maybe I am ready, maybe this is part of acceptance, but you aren’t the villain anymore. (A derisive laugh escapes) I wish you were. I wish I could keep you there forever, trapped in the mental image of you as a total bastard. I can’t though. Not anymore. I wish I could hate, but Someone else is calling me to something else... forgiveness. True forgiveness.

 

A friend said it best, “You could see the regret written on his face like it was just yesterday.” I had comforted myself with the idea that you regretted nothing, that I was something to just pass by. Something you didn’t know, or care to know the value of. I guess the reality that you did love me, and I did love you had to come crashing down some time. It just didn’t work. We just couldn’t work. You were too you, and I was too me. It was never going to work, but we did do a damn good job of making it last though, didn’t we?

 

So now what am I left with? The truth. I miss you (said with a sad smile). I miss you a lot. I know it can never be, and I know it should never be, but I also know… I don’t know, I guess I just wish. I wish I could talk to you and you could tell me how sorry you are, and I wish I could know you mean it. I wish I could tell you I was sorry for hating you. I wish we were different. I wish I could trust you. I wish you could be enough for you, and I could be enough for me, and we loved each other for the people we really are. I wish you knew me now. I wish.... I wish.... uh! I just wish so much.

 

These impossibilities haunt a little now. They cloud my dreams and enter my day time visions. They hurt just a touch. Now that my scabs were ready to come off, the pain is a little different, a little sweeter, a little less overwhelming, but a little sadder. A little more mournful. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you. It doesn’t have to, that’s okay. I think it can only make sense for me. You aren't the enemy anymore, but then again, neither am I.

 

I love you. I think I always will. I can’t not. I gave you too much, and you gave me too much. (Tears starting to fall) I really, really do want you to be happy. I want you to find… I don’t know… everything.