The Trinity

As it always does with the Holy Spirit, the things I have been worrying about most have come full circle. 

It seems as though, lately, everything I have been reading, talking about, musing on, listening to, hearing about, has to do with relationships. Friendships, romantic, family, with God, but the one that shifts my paradigm the most, the one that causes more than the usual amount of analytical perusing, is the relationship between the Trinity. 

It is said that we are born out of the love They express to Each Other. That the relationship They have, is so perfect, so holy, so enjoyable, that the desire to express it in different dimension was desirable to Them. Huh. If you are anything like me, at this moment, your mind has just developed about forty new neuropaths and the gravity of that one thought just tipped the balances. It also probably (if you REALLY are like me) just decided to come to a screeching halt as you realize the effects and ripples of such a paradigm shift almost seem heretical. 

Hang with me here though. Lets start one step at a time. Specifically the Trinity called us into being as in Their image. What does this really mean? What does Their image really look like? Now, not that I know, or presume to know, but what if, just what if, that image was one based completely on love, respect, home, belonging, with the expression being laughter, love, sacrifice of true joy, encouragement and beauty unimaginable? 

Could that mean, that when I express those things, when I seek those things... when I believe those things about the Trinity, I am participating in that which created me? How about a step farther, how about if that is what I was created out of, then there is no greater purpose in life, then to know Them, and others in that manner? What if I wasn't created for just works, but for good works? The difference is very fine, but very important here. Jesus was once called Good, and He asked the man why this man had called Jesus Good. Good was associated with value. Good was associated with God. With Other, with Holy. So if I was created in Their image, and They are good, and I was created to do Good works, then could it be that the greatest thing I was created to do was to be in relationship with that Goodness? Their work is to love, to love Each Other, and to love me. If that is the case then, my imitating Them, and acting out of my true self, would be to love Them back. To let them teach me how to be in relationship with others as They are in relationship to each other. Huh. 

Okay, so that was one neuropath. Humor me as a travel another one. If I am created in Their image, and love is Their image, then inherently, can I assume that emotions are part of that Trinity? Not too much of a stretch, but how about assuming that if emotions are apart of Them, as they are me, then the same set of emotions that run through me, course through Them just the same. This of course is not to bring Them and Their holiness down to our level, but to open up the relational divorce that has happened.

So that may not be much of a stretch, but lets think of it this way, Scripture says that Jesus is the Word and the Word was with God at the beginning. This would have to mean, that Jesus has always, and will always exist in human form... by choice. That means that there is a portion of the Trinity that has chosen, out of Goodness, to be bound by the human form that is limited and fully human. This would mean that Jesus did not just choose the cross that Friday, He has been choosing it for all of time. It has been purposed for all of time, with full knowledge of the fall and betrayal and pain, and heartbreak and limited vision of the bigger picture at times, all rolling around in His beautiful heart. 

If anger and hurt and frustration exist in me, why not Him? Why not Them? If Their greatest desire was to love me, and I have chosen to ignore it, why is a the heart of a Lover not true?

Now, there are some of you that may read this and it may be hard to choke down, and some of you may read this and it may be child's play, easy to understand and grasp.

The reason I say that is, well, if any part of it is true, then the application has to be complete. Think about it. If any of it is true, doesn't it in anyway or shape, or form make your life that much more not your own? I know I walk around with this illusion of control, this illusion of my own power, and it strikes me how selfish that is. This Trinity, this form of perfection chose to bring me into existence purely out Their desire to love me. How small and tiny am I to say that it is more important for me to do Their "work" than to make my first and foremost priority to exist with Them every minute of every day to be working and fighting and longing for Them the way They long for me? 

What decision can I make of import that is justifiable to not bend every movement to Their movements. Jesus said that people of the Kingdom and of the Spirit move like the wind. I wonder, is that what it means to be and exist in relationship with Them? To be so immersed in Their love for Each Other and me that when They move, I just automatically move with Them? Even as I write this, the right side of my brain criticizes for the selfishness that it sounds, but where does that come from? Is it selfish to do the one thing I was meant to do? Some would probably say we were born to love others, and that is noble and courageous, but jump the track for just a moment, if we were created in the image of Ones that there purpose and exists remains within a love for Each Other, wouldn't it be most logical to assume that our truest existence and purpose is to join in that? Could that be the sanctification that we all long for so deeply?

And could part of that sanctification be the view shift of life as told by Sara Angella to life told as part of an eternal relationship? When Jesus told the Young Ruler to give everything to the poor and follow Him, he didn't say "Give everything to the poor, then feed them everyday, bring them into your home and work hard to love others." He said "Follow me." His call was to relationship, to existence with Him, to revelation of His love. He knew that the only thing that could save that mans spirit was relationship to Him and Them. 

What if every decision I make, is now no longer about me? What if it is fully and completely about chasing after that love? What would life look like for me, for my family, for my friends? I don't know. I don't know if I would become a better person, I don't know if I would love them better. There is that right side of my brain that interrupts with justification for my desire to chase that incredible thought with "Of course it will. That is the whole point!" But my spirit sees the danger in that.

Do I seek the love of God for my own sanctification and such the absolution of my guilt? How selfish is that? How would I feel if my boyfriend, whom I love tremendously, came to me and said "I want to love you so I can learn how to love other people better. Not for who you are, or just because I want to love you, but because if I learn to love you, then maybe I can love my mom better and be a better person." If I as a human that sees dimly now, can be hurt by that, how much more is the perfection of the Perfect Lover hurt by that mentality? How much more human does that make Him? 

What if when I prayed, it wasn't to an abstract spirit, but if I pictured His face? What if as I was walking down the street I assumed He was there? What if I lived my life as though I was so completely in relationship to Him that I actually told Him everything that happened in my life? What if I assumed He wanted me to because He loved me that much? And what if in return He told me the thoughts of His heart? What those thoughts were my purpose? What if as I was telling Him how I grieved, He told me how He grieved over something, and that because I love Him and would do anything for Him because I know He would do anything for me, that those things He grieved over, I pained over, and because I am in this dimension for a while, I had the opportunity to do something about it in His name? Isn't the most intimate form of relationship? Trust has to be inherent in that, the trust that whatever He asks is not being done out of desire to seek glory for me, but because I just loved Him that much. That anything that hurt His heart, hurt mine? 

See I have a crazy thought, what if emotions aren't just "warning signs" as I have heard them called, but they are part of the language that the Trinity speaks to us through? Yes, they are subject to sin like anything else, but what if, as I let myself fall ever more deeply into this relationship, they become more acute to the Trinity? I mean if we label love as only a set of works, how did the Trinity love itself before we were created? And even more so now, how do They love Each Other now? It can't be about works can it? I don't think this perfect Union would be happy with us doing things out of duty. How many wives love it when their husbands love them out of a sense of duty. "Uh, here you go honey. It's Wednesday, so it's flower day. Should I put them down here?" It's no wonder that most people buck the system of works. Where is the joy in that? But once again, if I am so deeply entrenched in the relationship, the ups and downs, the joys and frustrations that come along with it, because I love Him, and who He is, then feeling His heart, would move me to action because I love what He loves. It becomes a partnership, it becomes something I get to take part in. Something I am privileged to be apart of. A love that is so deep that It shares It's heart with me. That I am privileged enough to have been born out of and into this Love that is so deep, so invasive, that I get to move with it.

But like I said, these are just thoughts right? Who knows.... 

Musings of a confused pre-life crisis

I reread one of my posts today. Perfume. Believe it or not, it's really hard for me to read. Every time I do, hear His call of asking me, can I put myself in her place? 

I was on the phone with a good friend the other night. I was bitching and moaning about being 3,000 miles from home, feeling out of place and out of touch. In her gentle and loving way (that I totally rejected at first of course), she made the point that of all the places in the world, Jesus brought me here. It would do me best to make the most of what I can do here that I can do no where else. 

That thought has been haunting me relentlessly for about two days. To make it more complicated, I was listening to my Itunes and the song my sister sang and wrote came on (no joke, she wrote and sang it). Is there nothing she can't do? If you haven't heard it, listen to it. It is one of the most incredible things I have ever heard. I could listen to it for a year straight everyday and it would never grow old. There is a power of the Holy Spirit that is so relevant in it. More relevant than I think most want to see. 

Needless to say, it brings me to tears every time I here it. I realized that is what I want. I want to create something like that. Something from the Holy Spirit that is so timeless it was would be true 3,000 years ago, today and 3,000 years from now. There is a beauty in it that is distinctly pure, so immaculately sweet. 

At once I am jealous and proud. Any woman able to know, perceive and press into the heart of Christ like that... words can't express the desire I have to know Him that way. 

That brings me back to home. This is the only subject that can bring me to tears. But how can you want something you may not be able to do? I can want to paint like Rembrandt, I may want to run like Michael Johnson, or write like Hemingway, but wanting it doesn't make it possible. 

It is so hard to determine what He is asking of me. The great debate of mind and heart is at it's pinnacle. Here in DC it's about the mind. It's about working for a career, making the right moves, the best decisions, the best internships, the most enviable connections and part of me fears He is asking me to go there, but... but what of the heart?

What of that which makes me cry? What of creating something out of the beauty of interchange between Him and I? Is there even enough there? Is there even something of value there to share? Who am I to even believe I have something to say? My arrogance has faltered with my youth (thank you Jesus), but it has also left me with a void of confidence. I used to want to change the world, now I just want to be apart of something of value. 

Besides I currently know 5 people (in a group of like 10) that want to sing or write. Not very original, these desires of mine. But if you really think about it, what are the chances that out of all six of us, any of us have real talent, or the ability to produce a work of art, be it music or writing, that is sustainable and relevant. Well, at least one at this point, I am listening to it now. That doesn't leave many odds for anyone else. 

Needless to say, cynicism and frustration exist in a very real way within my own mind. So much for making the most of an experience. 

A love note I never sent

Rushing wind, undefinable sounds, nameless emotions, speechless. Tentative, curious... hopeful. Frightened, rational, red as fire. The taste of wine, the smell of the ocean, completely blinded. Reckless mingled with sound understanding. The feel of irrationality as a force to be reckoned with. The colliding of souls unprepared. Surprise, frustration, incomplete thoughts...

Terms by which I describe our love. You came in when I wasn't looking. I was flirting, you were living. I was fragile, you paid no attention, and just were. I had no time to protest and it worked. 

You knew before I did, and patiently you waited. You always know before I do, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I use 1,000 words, to express the inexpressible, you use ten, and it all makes sense. 

I run a hundred miles a minute, you don't complain. You saw worth were I had forgotten there was any.

I won't settle, and you won't let me, I say my heart... and you treasure it. 

To the one I love: thank you. I fear tomorrow, treasure today and ponder yesterday. With you I am more me than I thought I was. Your love does what I thought one could never do, it gives me permission to be me, to discover my path, and to live it. 

If something were to happen and I were to lose you for some unbearable reason, I would grieve as though a piece of me had been lost. I would cry and die just a little, knowing that your unique love for me could never be matched. But then, then I would thank God. I would remember with a smile the lessons your love has taught me, and I would sing. I would sing of redemption and seasons of love. 

When I look at you, your character shines through. You remind me of all I should be. All that is good and beautiful and right and lovely and pure. You will never know how much of Jesus I see you in, it's hard to put into words. Even now, I struggle, struggle to explain how such a gracious, compassionate, believing, encouraging love has helped me overcome hurdles that had been there for years. And you do it all with a wink and smile.

I trust you. As much as I love you, I trust you, and that I never thought was possible, and I know, no matter what happens, I will always thank you for that. 

Oh Lord, bless this man. Lord, every desire in his heart bring to Him. I know you recognize the purity in him, Lord, press into him. For every wound he has incurred, give him a double portion, for every time he has been passed over, show him how You have chosen him. For the father lost, be the Father he deserves. Rush in and invade his soul, lay a path before him that He knows is from you. Speak loudly into his heart, wake him with dreams, trouble his heart with you, make him restless for You. Strengthen, encourage, guide, bless, speak peace, refresh, engage, consume him. Thank you Lord for him. He is a blessing from You and I am so privileged to be with him and to call him, in the least, a friend.  

Inspiring Music

This city is the quietest place I have ever been. I could go an entire day without a word to another human that isn't 3,000 miles away. 

When it is that quiet, the voices in your head tend to get louder and louder until they reach that crescendo of emotions that blur the lines of reality and make you wonder if you have been alone with your cat for just a smidgen too long. When this cycle starts, my first instinct is usually to grab the remote, but lately I have been testing my theory and letting the voices and thoughts swirl to a nice crescendo of anxiety and confusion. After all, if I don't, they will still be there in one, five, or ten years down the line after I have made some of the most important decisions of my life out of a place of denial rather than choice. 

Unfortunately, I have done just this once or twice, and I still wince remembering the actions of non-action. Though it is easier to make a decision by not making a decision at all, it is the most difficult thing in the world to clean up the mess. 

I continued to ponder this as I got up to go grab a bottle of wine from the corner liquor store. Now I know why Paul recommended Timothy have a glass a night. 

I continued, still, to ponder these things as I spent 15 minutes looking at two bottles of wine, stuck in the stupor of my own inability to make a decision. It was as if the bottles themselves had joined the fray of choices already parading themselves through my slightly schizophrenic mind. After another five minutes, frustrated and mumbling something about the answers to my future being locked neither in the bottle of cab nor the pinot, I toss them both onto the counter and avoid the eyes of the store manager who's looking slightly concerned that I am talking to myself. Join the club... 

Sitting back at home with glass in hand, the questions continue to swirl, with no answers, no pending responses from my hastily thrown prayers towards the ceiling. 

So I return to my wine, letting the pinot linger just a touch. Aahhh, at least that was a good decision.

 

Finally in the menagerie of more thoughts than brains, a solid thought forms, both frightening and so real I can't ignore it:

Am I so scared to make to decision, any decision, and actually and work for what I want, that I make no decision at all? 

Wow. Now I know why I bought that second bottle of wine...   

All of this is so hard for me to admit, but something has clicked the more I think about it: what have I ever really worked for? What have I ever really thrown my heart and soul into, not being able to see the bottom? With no contingency plans, with no backups, with no excuses, what have I ever really fought for? And with that, what has ever been really worth it?

As I think of that, shame takes hold as I realize my continual bowing to fear and apathy as memory after memory floats through my mind. 

All of this circles back around to the reason for my initial decent into my own thoughts; my future. That black void that looms large on the horizon. It's not that I fear the future, it's more that I can't keep putting it off. It's as thought I expect my dream job, dream mate, dream car to drop from the sky and to see Jesus standing there saying "Oh no, no need to thank me. I know, I am the best. Enjoy." And hey, why not? Christianity is supposed to be that easy, right?

The absurdity of not only the image, but the notion does not escape me, but in all reality, isn't that how I have been living my life? Either expecting things to just happen, or to be really confused when they don't turn out quite the way I wanted. 

The truth is, when I get down to the bare essentials, the meaning of it all, only one thing comes to the top: in whatever I do, in where ever I go, I want it to come straight from the heart of Christ and to be in His will. To me, there is nothing without Him, so why pursue anything else?

Here's the question that immediately follows that nicely little wrapped cop-out: as I face the decisions that I have been conveniently ignoring, are Jesus and the decisions that I am making at odds, or partnered?

His perfect love has cast out my fear, so if that be the case, where do I still stand? I want what He wants for me, but where is the line between what He wants for me and what I want for me? Are the mutually exclusive, or are they one and the same? I can want to be a professional ice skater all I want, but I don't think that would be God's plan for me. I mean, I haven't seen ice in a decade, when the ice and I got in a fight, and it definitely won. I am still waiting for the intersection of my abilities and His dreams. 

Now, if my life were a movie, this would be the moment in the story where I would enter into a 3-7 minute montage backed by inspiring music showing how I have found my meaning and purpose through an epiphany of some sort. I would walk tall, have a look of determination and accomplish a something impossible, like opening an orphanage in Somalia in 2.5 minutes. Then of course I would find my lost love again, ending credits would role and we would all walk out with a sense of completion and satisfaction.

Abruptly I realize I hate movies exactly for that reason. A story of inspiration can replace my need to find my own. 

Here I sit, still in my living room, with a half glass of wine and still no neon signs. It is never that easy. 

All I can do at this point is seek first the Kingdom... with all of my heart, with all of my fears, with abandon. I mean, at the end of the day, that's more real than the ground we walk on right?

(Cue the inspiring music)