I have spent a long time asking for blessings. Asking for things I thought I wanted. Be it financial, relational, spiritual, I always wanted blessing. Good things to ask for and not always with a totally selfish heart, they are things God wants to give. They are the things that make life more abundant, deeper, more real. People to love, money to handle, opportunities to take, less than mundane, they are part of the journey of a good God.
What I didn't know was how much they would require of me.
Like a child, I asked Dad for things all of the time, and like the Good Father He is, He waited to deliver. Knowing me better than I know myself, He said no most of the time, that is until now.
Now I am faced with blessings that show me the generosity of His heart. They come like gifts in pretty bows and I am so overjoyed to have them, but like any gift, most things require something in return... like time, or energy, or more money for maintenance. And then along with those requirements, since nothing is ever void with the Lord, those responsibilities seem to wrap themselves right back around into lessons and struggle.
Nothing... is ever... simple.
Just like my walk with God, I want my blessings boxed. I want them the way I want them. The way I envision them when I am praying. Easy, fun, and all about me. But life wouldn't be any fun if that were the case, so no, they end up rather than being about me, about Him and me, and those around me and me.
Opportunities require a choice, and once you get past the choice, you have to handle the outcome. The responsibility of the possibility is the hardest part. Do you give half of yourself and protect what little pride you have left, or do you throw all of yourself into the opportunity and on a wing and a prayer hope it was the right choice.
Money breeds the need to be wise. Knowing that the more there is, the more responsibility you have with it, sometimes I wish I were bill-less, money-less and lived on a barter system. My track record is not good. Really though I have stopped asking for money, now I ask for anything but money.
Relationships need heart. They don't just require choice and wisdom, they require the one thing I fear risking the most... my heart. And the damndest things about relationships, you think you have given your heart once, only to realize it is totally a daily act... and it only gets worse and deeper the more time and the more the relationship grows. Bits of fears I don't share until I have to, bits of my heart I hold onto for safe keeping until I know it is safe... here's the kicker though, you never know you are safe, and fears don't go away, even when you talk about them.
Blessings also have a sneaky way of turning into curses. It's a fine line, but every once in a while it will fall to the side of curse, and the hardest part is turning back around, looking at Jesus in the face and saying "Okay, this so didn't turn out how I thought it was going to. What now?" And if He looks you right back in the face and says, follow through... the responsibility to handle it with grace and dignity is a responsibility based on a backwards blessing.
I guess I now understand why David never asked for blessings. He just asked to be remembered. Fair enough.
Damn impetuous youth.
Lord remember Your servant. I ask not for blessing, but instead You stretch out Your hand in Your will. May I have the grace to see the blessing in Your will and in the responsibility. Give me what I can handle, not what I ask for.
