A quick recap.....

I said good-bye to the true love of my life to get board a six hour flight from hell that including my cat throwing up, my mother having to be medically sedated through a mixture of prescription drugs and alcohol, to get lost for two and a half hours in a rental car that apparently runs on four mice and a hamster, on the way to a hotel that was technically in southwest DC, but in actuality bordered the southeast and was so frightening I wouldn't send Mr. T out there without back-up, to finally get to my apartment, so I could sleep on the floor for six nights because the moving company had logged the wrong day and, while I was in DC, all of my stuff (including my bed) was still currently in California, which has resulted in me having the shin-splints from hell do to lack of any footwear other than my broken down flip-flops and a neck strain so bad I have to have my 60 year old mother pull me off the ground so I can pee all the while attending "orientation" for transfers where I haven't seen anyone over the age of 20 and are giving lectures on "Is it sex, and is it safe?" 

Okay, as long as we are all on the same page......

I miss you already

You sleep here next to me. Solid, study breathing escapes from you along with the occasional sigh as you fall deeper. My cat has curled herself snuggly into the crook of your arm... usually where I sleep. The room is so quiet, I can almost hear your heart beat. I look at your sweet face and see how a smile plays at the corners of your mouth, and not the kind that comes from a moment of happiness, but the kind that comes just because you are always happy. A perpetual smile. A positive outlook that dances across your continence even as you sleep. I miss you already.

And I sit here thinking... what if. Earlier you mentioned something. Something I think you let slip. A curiosity of what would be if I wasn't going... I cried. You said you were excited for me to gain all that had been stolen and all I could think was but will it come at another loss? 

The irony does not escape me. 

You just stirred and mumbled something while you reached out to find me. I moved back slightly so you would catch me, knowing if you found me, you wouldn't wake up fully. You need your sleep. I need you. What happens when you reach out, and I am not there? What happens when I reach out, and you aren't there? 

I have tried to slow down lately. Tried to memorize your touch, your smell, your face. The scar on your chin, the crook in your nose, the way you brush your hands across my lips before you kiss me. 

The sound of our laughs colliding as something stupid happens between us. The way you look at me when I do something ridiculous. The way you hold my hand, the way you lead me into a room, protective and sweet. The way you won't let me open the door for myself. 

I scoot away slightly closing my eyes. Maybe if I pretend you aren't here right now, if I try to remember the way you feel while you are still near, somehow that will comfort me when you really are no longer there. I see your face in my minds eye, smiling. 

It doesn't work. I just want you near. Without you knowing, I reach over and place your hand on my hand. Just the touch is enough right now. 

I know all too well what life can bring. I am so scared darling. The unknowns weigh heavier than the knowns. Will this time change you, will it change me? Will it change us?

We always said a day at a time; I hope that is enough. 

I hope you know how your love has healed me. I hope you know how much you have taught me to try again. I don't know if I ever told you how scared I was at first. How powerfully you affected me immediately. I was so scared to lose that bit of control I had just gained back. I tell you every so often thank you. Thank you for loving me. You always laugh and say it is so unnecessary for me to thank you, but what can I do? I can't help but be thankful for a man and love that is so... real. I hope you feel my love, I hope you see my heart, I hope you happiness, I hope you blessings. Ugh, I hope... I hope you know. I will love you forever. 

I miss you already...

Trust

The last two years of my life have by far been the hardest. More change, metamorphosis, learning, mistakes, fears lived through, victories gained, and just plane grunt work of the soul has been walked through than I thought at one time was humanly possible. In two and a half years I have been married, separated, divorced, relocated three times, had three different jobs, and have lost and gained over two sets of friends. I have changed cars, houses, clothes, desires, fears and personalities more than a multi-personalitied schytzo-phrenic with an American Express. 

All of this to say, for the first time I have found a place of peace. A piece of rest (if you will excuse the play on words). 

Why is it, that you have to find just this place, so you can launch again? 

A year ago I was sitting on my therapists couch hearing her say "I promise it will get better, just keep looking toward the future," and today I heard her say "I told you so." Damn, $115.00 dollars an hour for something my mothers says to me for free. 

That being said, I am amazed. I am amazed at what God has done in the midst of my own turmoil. Small words of encouragement here, a tender moment there, and here I am again on a platform ready to dive. I can genuinely say I never thought I would be here again. I thought I was threw. Washed up. Tired, bedraggled and too worn out to try for the something that I thought was more than I deserved in the first place. 

But as I look back at the miracle of a love recently given (he is currently snoring next to me, having succumbed  to his inability to stay awake during a movie), I can't help but smile. Oh Jesus, when will I get it? When will it move past my head to my heart?

I don't know, maybe the next time he turns my ashes into robes of royalty, or my tears into diamonds. Then again, maybe it won't take that long. Lord, take my heart and make it Yours. Be merciful to me and show me wounds not yet healed, parts not yet broken, and places You have et to go in me. I give you my permission. And if it takes two more years of radical change... so be it. Because this time I believe You. I believe in Your ability to heal, to change and to redeem that which was irredeemable before. I am walking, living, smiling proof of it.