See, what I haven't talked about much, which could also explain the reason for my long extended absence, would be my failing grades. I have always been good at tests, but for some reason this semester, I can't muster a sound thought process and it seems I am failing my tests. Failing at multiple choice, within those tests, that is.
For the life of me, I can't respond to multiple choice in a well produced, thought out, adult sort of way. When I see a multiple choice question, the inside of me, the deepest part begins to freak out. Four choices? Really? That's all I have? Oh shit. Are you serious? And there is a RIGHT one? Not even a sort of right one, but a RIGHT one? Oh crap. I'm screwed. It's A right? No way, it has to be B. I mean the ones before that were B and D and C... they wouldn't screw with me that much... right? But A could be right and D could be right.... damn. Why can't I just explain my answer?
See, I used to think I was a pressure player. The one you would call in at the least minute to rescue the game. I was wrong. I am not a pressure player. I way to calculated for that. Damn, not so much. Apparently I am the sideliner that comes in when everyone else is injured or sick.
So tonight, amidst a game of Wii bowling, I had a very interesting conversation. See as I was bitching about my inability to estimate multiple choice, someone very pointedly, to my face, said "Life is multiple choice. And since you have been getting 70%'s... good luck."
I tried to argue. I said, "No way!!!!! Life is an essay, responding to what we have learned." He argued back "No, life is about choices, A, B, C, or D. What will I do RIGHT now."
I had a hard to reacting to that. What do you say? It's the truth. Everyday we are met with decisions that define us based on the moment. Whether it is what I want to admit or not, that is exactly the truth. It's the moment, not the explanation that counts.
But I wasn't settled with that. How can you say that we are just a subject of so few a percent points? So 1 out of 4 are our odds; 25%. Those are my odds that I might make the right choice? Seems a little deterministic. A little too reactionary. Maybe in class, but in life? No way!!! I have worked too hard, found too many paths of righteous and unrighteousness and surpassed the heartache of inability to say that all of it comes down to simple odds!!!! Somewhere in there, I know I listened to a voice, to a spirit that was bigger than mine. Still....
I want so much to be a creator. To sit in the seat of one that deems what is possible or not possible, but I don't. So often I try to create a circumstance of perfection. Like reliving a time that was what I wanted. A place that I liked, a reality that fit me... The creator of the known I always want to sit at the helm of a ship on a sea of memories... or at least romantic realism. But as I wake to reality, I realize, instead, I sit in the seat of those that deem enough. Ironically, at this point and time of my life, I am the one that others have the permission to choose an A, or B or C or.... whatever to define ME as. It's not a garden of Eden that I think of when I close my mind in perfection, it is the imperfect adaptation of someone elses multiple choice.
The truth is, somewhere in between multiple choice and essay is where I exist. Where WE exist. Somewhere between chance and essays is are the lessons is life. Somewhere in between what you want and what you deserve (even as a grade) is what is truth.
I can't explain away every circumstance, but I know He is more than chance. He is more than just throwing caution to the wind on a 25% chance of getting it right. I have partnered with Him to determine my life this far, and I know it can't be just chance, or even my version of an essay right. Some of it, if not only a little, is about me learning from what has been, to know Him better and if not just my choices make it a little more clear and real.
See, someday, if we allow, we become more than circumstance, but still less, than chance. Multiple choice be damned.....
