Another year has come and gone, in the blink of an eye, it has flashed by. As I sit here contemplating what the last year has been about, and what I have seen, and done and heard and been through, my mind is almost overwhelmed to the point of melt down. If years had themes, this last one would have been extreme reality living.
I have seen three moves, a divorce, three jobs, loss of and gaining of truly solid friendships, made more mistakes that in all of the years of my life combined probably, learned more about Christ that I thought was possible and seen highs and lows I thought would break me equally in two. There were moments of pain so deep in felt like a physical blow, joy so real I could have flown to the heavens. I have lost a husband on the earth, and gained one in heaven. I have seen my dreams, my hopes, my wants and desires crash around me like fine china, only to have it whispered in my ear that those weren't my plates to begin with.
I look back and feel like a piece of silly puddy that has been pulled and pushed and squeezed one too many times. The saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...' hmmm.....
I guess the thing that shocks me the most though is not the changes, since life has a way of changing unexpectedly anyways, and it's not the struggles that I have gone through since I pray daily that God would do anything necessary to bring me closer to Him, no it's neither of those things. It's the miracles that get to me. The answers to prayer that cause me to stop and stare.
A week before Brian and I separated, I prayed that God would do whatever He had to, to build in Brian and myself more passion for Him and more strength of character. I had noticed how hard it was for me to respect Brian and the choice he made, and I knew I couldn't live like that, so I prayed for God to strengthen Him, and change me. A week later, we were separated. Some may see that as morbid, but for me, it was an answer to prayer. We both get a chance to find the person that we were meant to be with. For Brian, someone that can love him without the baggage that I have with him. Someone who can see him differently than I can, not through a lens of hurt and betrayal. For me, I get a fresh start. A chance to finally meet the man that will love me in the way that no one else ever has, not selfishly and unkindly, but safely and wholly.
I spent six months waiting to see what Brian would do with out time separate. Waiting and watching and praying. For months I prayed, I prayed soul and whole heartedly. I needed to do this right. I needed to hear from God... and I did. The biggest decision of my life and He showed up in all of His grandeur. I never doubted, I knew. It was so hard, and so frightening, but to this day, I have never doubted, and His grace is what gave me that hope.
I asked God to heal my heart. All of it, to claim it, make it His. How did He do it? He showed me the beginnings of a romance I never thought was possible. Visions of Him and myself, a hope through the scariest of times. Times when I wasn't sure I could hold on, when all I could do was ask Him for faithfulness when it wasn't deserved, and came and spoke to me and told me, nothing would change what I was to Him.
And the greatest miracle of all. For my birthday, God gave me freedom. 6 short months after my divorce, He freed me. Miracles of all miracles, I no longer hold anything for my ex. I can look at him and say "You were the worst and best thing that ever happened to me, and I am okay with that." I wouldn't know God the way I do now if it weren't for him, but there are scars that still obscure some vision. The most important thing is, I can walk away, and not look back. I can see him, and my heart no longer plunges to the floor. For once, I don't see him as a villain, I see him as broken. And maybe those two things are the same, but right now, they don't seem like it. I don't know where life will take me, and I don't know what there is in store, but I wish him well. I wish him happiness. Miracles of all miracles, I pray for his blessing.
As I sat around the Christmas table this year, with those that I love so near and dear, I couldn't help but stop and pause for a second. It was de ja vu all over again, and I loved every minute.
This year has changed me, no one can argue that. Has it changed for good? Bad? Indifferent? I don't know, but I do know this, the miracles I have seen, the wonders I have known that the heart break I have overcome, they seem to point me in one direction, that of Christ.
Happy birthday, happy Christmas, happy new year, and happy old year. May this next year bring you what it brought me... confusion, hopelessness, pain, redemption, joy, healing and so much more.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Pure Walnut Creek
I was on my lunch break today, trying, as usual, desperately to squeeze two hours worth of things to do into an hour. I had to make it to Macy’s to get my latest fix of fashion from the new winter line of Jessica Simpson shoes. My weight may go up and down faster than kid on a po-go stick, but my shoes will never fail me.
So there I was, driving along, singing a happy Christmas tune from a not-to-cheesy mix I had picked up, and then it happens. Somewhere between Pleasant Hill and Walnut Creek I crossed an invisible line and entered the alternate world of “The Real Housewives of Walnut Creek.”
Suddenly I halted to a stop in an intersection as the local phenomenon of the Mercedes driving woman continued on her rush to the nearest Starbuck’s without a second thought to the sign posted reading “Keep intersection clear.” I had forgotten that in this alternate world the need for caffeine highly surpasses the need for recognition of other motorists. Thank goodness she reminded me.
Shaking off the near collision, I continue on my journey to the Oz of Walnut Creek, Broadway Plaza. My next hurdle looms large and great in front of me…. Parking. Hesitantly, yet determined, I enter the garage. Once again I find myself slamming on the breaks as a Corvette with a sales pitch for a license plate comes screaming down the ramp headed straight for the street without a look sideways. It is the least uncommon of the urban jungle, the male of the pack, the mid-life crisis man. Just in case I forgot what men that have been pampered by years of 500 count sheets and homemade excuses looks like, I was just reminded. Right then...
As I continue on my trek, I begin the ritual of circling the structure continuously in hopes of finding the rare occurrence of catching someone embarking on their journey back from outer space, otherwise known as Nordstrom’s. Like a heat seeking missile, my vision fades in and out from tunnel to wide angle with the reflexes of a trained connoisseur of parking spots. I watch every moving vestige of people. Are they coming? Are they going? Can I get around the monstrosity of a vehicle in front of me in time to snag it from some other hunter on the prowl?
Then, like a ray of light streaming down from heaven, I see a most extraordinary incident. A spot close to the elevator. Could it be? Could everyone else really have missed it? My trained cynicism at such a fortunate occurrence kicks in, I don’t know, something isn’t right. I drove up slow and cautiously. Hmm…
Then I see the answer. The SUV in the spot next to has crowded the “compact’ spot to the point where the only moving vehicle that could fit is a Vespa. I take a closer look and notice that is a Limited edition, 4X4 Sequoia. Decked out to the nines, this thing can climb mountains, pull a boat, run through the Amazon and explore the desert with ease and comfort. It is made to rough and tough with the best of them.
I look over the machine imagining the owner four wheeling through rugged terrain on their way backpacking in the Sierra’s, or pulling a boat out for fishing expedition on Lake Berryessa. Maybe even the ability to snowboard in Tahoe without the worry of chains. Then my eye falls to the license plate and I purse my lips in grim realization. “I’d rather be shopping at Nordstrom’s.” Wow, the irony is not lost on me at all.
See there would have been a justification for the elitist mentality of the vehicle, if maybe it was ever used for its intended use, as if the existence of such an enormous waste of space could have been defensible by the owner had it been used properly, but no. This vehicle satisfies no need other than to give a soccer mom the feeling of being something other than a soccer mom. It gleams and shines in the wintry sun looming large in review mirrors and formidable in oncoming traffic. It gets the message across of “I am my car and my car is me and we are saying get the hell out of our way.” In the alternate universe, anything other than a $60K vehicle is second class citizenry, and the first class lets you know it. Who says only men are trying to compensate with their vehicles?
Slowly I peel my eyes off the rolling ironical nuisance and continue looking for a spot. I pull behind a line of cars as we all wait for the inevitable fate of someone five cars in front waiting for one car to pull out so previously said car can get a spot. As I sit pondering the wasted time, mental energy and gas something dawns on me. I have become what I have been known to refer to as a “Pure Walnut Creek.” I have sat through death defying traffic and painful patrolling for parking while still trying to keep my anger in check, all in the name of fashion. The worlds have started to blend, and without knowing it, I have voluntarily succumbed to the lemming mentality. An acrid taste fills my mouth as the realization hits me full force. I have to get out of here…
I pull out of line and onto the street. Immediately the traffic is lighter as I am heading in the opposite direction of the suburban mecca. I watch in satisfaction as I am pulling away from those running to pay homage. Freedom has never felt so good, and silently I promise myself… If I ever find myself tempted to sacrifice my car to the god of material possession, while bleaching my hair blond and conveniently forgetting to do my eye-brows, I will pack it all in and head to Canada. I figure socialism should set me straight.
So there I was, driving along, singing a happy Christmas tune from a not-to-cheesy mix I had picked up, and then it happens. Somewhere between Pleasant Hill and Walnut Creek I crossed an invisible line and entered the alternate world of “The Real Housewives of Walnut Creek.”
Suddenly I halted to a stop in an intersection as the local phenomenon of the Mercedes driving woman continued on her rush to the nearest Starbuck’s without a second thought to the sign posted reading “Keep intersection clear.” I had forgotten that in this alternate world the need for caffeine highly surpasses the need for recognition of other motorists. Thank goodness she reminded me.
Shaking off the near collision, I continue on my journey to the Oz of Walnut Creek, Broadway Plaza. My next hurdle looms large and great in front of me…. Parking. Hesitantly, yet determined, I enter the garage. Once again I find myself slamming on the breaks as a Corvette with a sales pitch for a license plate comes screaming down the ramp headed straight for the street without a look sideways. It is the least uncommon of the urban jungle, the male of the pack, the mid-life crisis man. Just in case I forgot what men that have been pampered by years of 500 count sheets and homemade excuses looks like, I was just reminded. Right then...
As I continue on my trek, I begin the ritual of circling the structure continuously in hopes of finding the rare occurrence of catching someone embarking on their journey back from outer space, otherwise known as Nordstrom’s. Like a heat seeking missile, my vision fades in and out from tunnel to wide angle with the reflexes of a trained connoisseur of parking spots. I watch every moving vestige of people. Are they coming? Are they going? Can I get around the monstrosity of a vehicle in front of me in time to snag it from some other hunter on the prowl?
Then, like a ray of light streaming down from heaven, I see a most extraordinary incident. A spot close to the elevator. Could it be? Could everyone else really have missed it? My trained cynicism at such a fortunate occurrence kicks in, I don’t know, something isn’t right. I drove up slow and cautiously. Hmm…
Then I see the answer. The SUV in the spot next to has crowded the “compact’ spot to the point where the only moving vehicle that could fit is a Vespa. I take a closer look and notice that is a Limited edition, 4X4 Sequoia. Decked out to the nines, this thing can climb mountains, pull a boat, run through the Amazon and explore the desert with ease and comfort. It is made to rough and tough with the best of them.
I look over the machine imagining the owner four wheeling through rugged terrain on their way backpacking in the Sierra’s, or pulling a boat out for fishing expedition on Lake Berryessa. Maybe even the ability to snowboard in Tahoe without the worry of chains. Then my eye falls to the license plate and I purse my lips in grim realization. “I’d rather be shopping at Nordstrom’s.” Wow, the irony is not lost on me at all.
See there would have been a justification for the elitist mentality of the vehicle, if maybe it was ever used for its intended use, as if the existence of such an enormous waste of space could have been defensible by the owner had it been used properly, but no. This vehicle satisfies no need other than to give a soccer mom the feeling of being something other than a soccer mom. It gleams and shines in the wintry sun looming large in review mirrors and formidable in oncoming traffic. It gets the message across of “I am my car and my car is me and we are saying get the hell out of our way.” In the alternate universe, anything other than a $60K vehicle is second class citizenry, and the first class lets you know it. Who says only men are trying to compensate with their vehicles?
Slowly I peel my eyes off the rolling ironical nuisance and continue looking for a spot. I pull behind a line of cars as we all wait for the inevitable fate of someone five cars in front waiting for one car to pull out so previously said car can get a spot. As I sit pondering the wasted time, mental energy and gas something dawns on me. I have become what I have been known to refer to as a “Pure Walnut Creek.” I have sat through death defying traffic and painful patrolling for parking while still trying to keep my anger in check, all in the name of fashion. The worlds have started to blend, and without knowing it, I have voluntarily succumbed to the lemming mentality. An acrid taste fills my mouth as the realization hits me full force. I have to get out of here…
I pull out of line and onto the street. Immediately the traffic is lighter as I am heading in the opposite direction of the suburban mecca. I watch in satisfaction as I am pulling away from those running to pay homage. Freedom has never felt so good, and silently I promise myself… If I ever find myself tempted to sacrifice my car to the god of material possession, while bleaching my hair blond and conveniently forgetting to do my eye-brows, I will pack it all in and head to Canada. I figure socialism should set me straight.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Choices
I hate how hard choices are, especially when you know what the right one is, and you really don't want to choose it.
I have spent a lot of time examining my heart lately. Wondering at my motives, and the patterns that are set, proding me in one direction or another. Patterns that change view, like looking at truth through a colidescope. It's all jumbled, upside down, cut into pieces, and staring at it for too long gives you a headache. Where do the pieces fit? What is why and why is who and who is how.
Scripture gives to many good examples of walking out of woundedness. In Hosea, God talks to him about his wife. 7"She will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; and she will seek them, but will not find them then she will say, 'I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now!' 8"For she does not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the new wine and the oil, and lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal."
For a woman sold into slavery by her father, she knew nothing else. The kindness of a husband who loved her could not touch the her heart, it was solid. Every time Hosea must have touched her, it must have been every other man, and every time he spoke to her, in her sight, it must have been the mouths of people who had told her she was nothing but what could satisfy. So she ran. She ran back to what she knew. She ran back to what she knew how to handle, to what she could control. She sold herself for what she knew she could gain, grain, and vineyards, and fabric, and everything else she needed. This was hers, this was the world she understood, the way it worked, this made sense. This is how she received her love. You can hear her cry "Don't you understand? This is all there is. Nothing more! Don't mock me by trying to convince me of something else. What, so you married me? You will tire of me the way the others did. I will anger you, and you will take away your love. I have hoped for love before, and lost. Don't ask me to again. Not when I know it is impossible. This is all I am meant for. Leave me here." So she ran. She ran away from hope, from the unknown, from comfort that had to be temporary. From a love that caressed her for a moment leaving her breathless, but knowing, would never last.
9"Therefore, I will take back My grain at harvest time and My new wine in its season. I will also take away my wool and my flax given to cover her nakedness. 10"And then I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one will rescue her out of My hand. 11"I will also put an end to all her gaiety, her feasts, her new moons, her Sabbaths and all her festal assemblies. 12"I will destroy her vines and fig trees, of which she said, 'These are my wages which my lovers have given me ' and I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field will devour them. 13"I will punish her for the days of the Baals when she used to offer sacrifices to them and adorn herself with her earrings and jewelry, and follow her lovers, so that she forgot Me," declares the LORD.
So He took it away. All she thought she knew, what she could control, all that she put her hope in, it turned to dust. She ran back, back to nothing. It was even more empty than before. She looked out over what she had, and now was lost, and must have raged. "Why!!??" You can hear her scream. "Can I have nothing?! Is there anything left for me? Can I not even have what is deserved?! Am I cursed? Am I the penance for the land?!" I can see her on her knees, clothes torn, holding the dry sand from a once fertile soil, tears streaming down her face, staring into the sky screaming. "Will you leave me nothing?" Broken her head falls. "What am I to You? Where have You been?" You can hear the silence thick and heavy. She falls, hugging her knees. "You win. I'll go back. To what I don't know, but I'll go back. He must hate me now anyways. At least if you does he won't ask me for my heart. I don't even know how to give that."
Dejected she walks home.
14"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, I will bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her. 15"Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope and she will sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. 16"It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, "That you will call Me Ishi (husband) and will no longer call Me Baali (master). 17"For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, so that they will be mentioned by their names no more. 18"In that day I will also make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, the birds of the sky and the creeping things of the ground and I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land, and will make them lie down in safety. 19"I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In loving kindness and in compassion, 20and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD. 21"It will come about in that day that I will respond," declares the LORD. "I will respond to the heavens, and they will respond to the earth, 22and the earth will respond to the grain, to the new wine and to the oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. 23"I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, and I will say to those who were not My people, 'You are My people!' and they will say, 'You are my God!'"
When He promised her these things, I wonder if she believed Him? I don't know the ending, no one does. It's the greatest romantic cliffhanger the world has ever seen. Does she let Him, and subsequently, her husband, into her heart? Does she ever heal?
I guess for me, I have to believe she does. I have to believe that during the moments of her life, her life would stop, and for a moment, tunnel vision would overwhelm as He stopped her and caressed her face saying "Perfect one, my dove, my wife, my life: my everything is yours." I have to trust that in those moments she knew, she was his heartbeat, and that knowledge helped her see her Hosea differently. In my heart of hearts, I see her, belly on her hand, her other child playing with her husband, and tears silently coarsing down her face as the love she feels grips her heart like a vice. I have to believe it was all returned, and made not only right, but she knew it was not from her hands, but the hands of her true Husband, the real giver of every good and perfect gift.
You see, I am her, that's why I have to believe. I don't know where I am in the story, but I do know this, I am her. I feel and see and know her. I have been betrothed to my real Husband, and run, chasing after what I thought I wanted. Fearing a broken heart again, I have my heart has run. It closes involuntarily as I struggle with trusting when betrayal and rejection are more known than love. As I don't know how her story ends, neither do I see the end of mine yet. I stare down the road, heart beating, knowing I can't turn around, but fearing what lies on the other side. He has said He will always respond, as He told her, but I fear, as I believe she did, another broken heart. I have to believe though, that He is present. I need to believe He is, and whether or not I like it, the hope is there. With all of the crushing I have tried to do, it is there, and I can't deny it, so I will believe. I will wait for Him to speak kindly too me.
I have spent a lot of time examining my heart lately. Wondering at my motives, and the patterns that are set, proding me in one direction or another. Patterns that change view, like looking at truth through a colidescope. It's all jumbled, upside down, cut into pieces, and staring at it for too long gives you a headache. Where do the pieces fit? What is why and why is who and who is how.
Scripture gives to many good examples of walking out of woundedness. In Hosea, God talks to him about his wife. 7"She will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; and she will seek them, but will not find them then she will say, 'I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now!' 8"For she does not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the new wine and the oil, and lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal."
For a woman sold into slavery by her father, she knew nothing else. The kindness of a husband who loved her could not touch the her heart, it was solid. Every time Hosea must have touched her, it must have been every other man, and every time he spoke to her, in her sight, it must have been the mouths of people who had told her she was nothing but what could satisfy. So she ran. She ran back to what she knew. She ran back to what she knew how to handle, to what she could control. She sold herself for what she knew she could gain, grain, and vineyards, and fabric, and everything else she needed. This was hers, this was the world she understood, the way it worked, this made sense. This is how she received her love. You can hear her cry "Don't you understand? This is all there is. Nothing more! Don't mock me by trying to convince me of something else. What, so you married me? You will tire of me the way the others did. I will anger you, and you will take away your love. I have hoped for love before, and lost. Don't ask me to again. Not when I know it is impossible. This is all I am meant for. Leave me here." So she ran. She ran away from hope, from the unknown, from comfort that had to be temporary. From a love that caressed her for a moment leaving her breathless, but knowing, would never last.
9"Therefore, I will take back My grain at harvest time and My new wine in its season. I will also take away my wool and my flax given to cover her nakedness. 10"And then I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one will rescue her out of My hand. 11"I will also put an end to all her gaiety, her feasts, her new moons, her Sabbaths and all her festal assemblies. 12"I will destroy her vines and fig trees, of which she said, 'These are my wages which my lovers have given me ' and I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field will devour them. 13"I will punish her for the days of the Baals when she used to offer sacrifices to them and adorn herself with her earrings and jewelry, and follow her lovers, so that she forgot Me," declares the LORD.
So He took it away. All she thought she knew, what she could control, all that she put her hope in, it turned to dust. She ran back, back to nothing. It was even more empty than before. She looked out over what she had, and now was lost, and must have raged. "Why!!??" You can hear her scream. "Can I have nothing?! Is there anything left for me? Can I not even have what is deserved?! Am I cursed? Am I the penance for the land?!" I can see her on her knees, clothes torn, holding the dry sand from a once fertile soil, tears streaming down her face, staring into the sky screaming. "Will you leave me nothing?" Broken her head falls. "What am I to You? Where have You been?" You can hear the silence thick and heavy. She falls, hugging her knees. "You win. I'll go back. To what I don't know, but I'll go back. He must hate me now anyways. At least if you does he won't ask me for my heart. I don't even know how to give that."
Dejected she walks home.
14"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, I will bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her. 15"Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope and she will sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. 16"It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, "That you will call Me Ishi (husband) and will no longer call Me Baali (master). 17"For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, so that they will be mentioned by their names no more. 18"In that day I will also make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, the birds of the sky and the creeping things of the ground and I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land, and will make them lie down in safety. 19"I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In loving kindness and in compassion, 20and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD. 21"It will come about in that day that I will respond," declares the LORD. "I will respond to the heavens, and they will respond to the earth, 22and the earth will respond to the grain, to the new wine and to the oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. 23"I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, and I will say to those who were not My people, 'You are My people!' and they will say, 'You are my God!'"
When He promised her these things, I wonder if she believed Him? I don't know the ending, no one does. It's the greatest romantic cliffhanger the world has ever seen. Does she let Him, and subsequently, her husband, into her heart? Does she ever heal?
I guess for me, I have to believe she does. I have to believe that during the moments of her life, her life would stop, and for a moment, tunnel vision would overwhelm as He stopped her and caressed her face saying "Perfect one, my dove, my wife, my life: my everything is yours." I have to trust that in those moments she knew, she was his heartbeat, and that knowledge helped her see her Hosea differently. In my heart of hearts, I see her, belly on her hand, her other child playing with her husband, and tears silently coarsing down her face as the love she feels grips her heart like a vice. I have to believe it was all returned, and made not only right, but she knew it was not from her hands, but the hands of her true Husband, the real giver of every good and perfect gift.
You see, I am her, that's why I have to believe. I don't know where I am in the story, but I do know this, I am her. I feel and see and know her. I have been betrothed to my real Husband, and run, chasing after what I thought I wanted. Fearing a broken heart again, I have my heart has run. It closes involuntarily as I struggle with trusting when betrayal and rejection are more known than love. As I don't know how her story ends, neither do I see the end of mine yet. I stare down the road, heart beating, knowing I can't turn around, but fearing what lies on the other side. He has said He will always respond, as He told her, but I fear, as I believe she did, another broken heart. I have to believe though, that He is present. I need to believe He is, and whether or not I like it, the hope is there. With all of the crushing I have tried to do, it is there, and I can't deny it, so I will believe. I will wait for Him to speak kindly too me.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
My heart
One day you wake up, and you realize, there is nothing without Him. Life has no meaning, the sun doen't shine, the earth won't move... without Him. You wake up and find, if He wasn't real, if 'He' was just the opium of the masses, your world would fall apart. Every memory, every promise, every hope, every truth lies at His feet... and that makes you happy.
Acts says that in Him we move in and live and have our being. I agree. What purpose do we have without Him? What meaning? Cosmic coincindence? It can't be, coincidence itself wouldn't exist without Him. How colorless the world would be if it hadn't been purposed for Him and what exists in Him? How lifeless would my heart be?
Those of us that know we exists only for Him, and that He is what holds us together at the core of our being know, we know, and we feel, and see, and believe, and we rejoice. How can it be denied? How can one believe anything else? The rocks would cry out if we didn't praise, the earth would shout in need to release the truth that it was built on.
My life has been built on Him, and I woke up and realized, everything I was, and wanted and needed and believed and hoped for was based on Him and His truth. How frightening, exciting, harrowing, passion filled, inspired, confused and cautioned does that make me? I can't, and won't even try to put it into words.
This God that holds my life in His hands, the God that I worship, speaks to me, guids me, and holds me. How... heavenly. Could you ask for anything more? Not only does He save, He loves the soul, the personhood, the everything we are. When we cry and scream, when we fight and curse, when we run and hide... when we sin and forget Him, still He loves. Too much... too much...
To You, the one I give my life to, the one I live and breath for, my prayer... stay near. Breathe with me, bypass my mind, speak to my heart. Take me, all of me, move me and shape me. I live for no other reason that to know you. I have no purpose but to seek you. Thank you. Thank you for the answered prayer, show me more of you everyday. My hunger overwhelms me and my need consumes me. Your heart is all I desire, your mind all I want to know. Beautiful You, wonderful You, amazing You, teach me Master. I am your sheep. You have my heart... it beats for you and you alone.
Sound crazy? I hope and pray it does...
2 Corinthians 5:4 (New International Version)
4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.
Acts says that in Him we move in and live and have our being. I agree. What purpose do we have without Him? What meaning? Cosmic coincindence? It can't be, coincidence itself wouldn't exist without Him. How colorless the world would be if it hadn't been purposed for Him and what exists in Him? How lifeless would my heart be?
Those of us that know we exists only for Him, and that He is what holds us together at the core of our being know, we know, and we feel, and see, and believe, and we rejoice. How can it be denied? How can one believe anything else? The rocks would cry out if we didn't praise, the earth would shout in need to release the truth that it was built on.
My life has been built on Him, and I woke up and realized, everything I was, and wanted and needed and believed and hoped for was based on Him and His truth. How frightening, exciting, harrowing, passion filled, inspired, confused and cautioned does that make me? I can't, and won't even try to put it into words.
This God that holds my life in His hands, the God that I worship, speaks to me, guids me, and holds me. How... heavenly. Could you ask for anything more? Not only does He save, He loves the soul, the personhood, the everything we are. When we cry and scream, when we fight and curse, when we run and hide... when we sin and forget Him, still He loves. Too much... too much...
To You, the one I give my life to, the one I live and breath for, my prayer... stay near. Breathe with me, bypass my mind, speak to my heart. Take me, all of me, move me and shape me. I live for no other reason that to know you. I have no purpose but to seek you. Thank you. Thank you for the answered prayer, show me more of you everyday. My hunger overwhelms me and my need consumes me. Your heart is all I desire, your mind all I want to know. Beautiful You, wonderful You, amazing You, teach me Master. I am your sheep. You have my heart... it beats for you and you alone.
Sound crazy? I hope and pray it does...
2 Corinthians 5:4 (New International Version)
4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Saturday, December 08, 2007
To You
This is for you...
I had a discussion with a friend tonight. It was enlightening I guess I should say. We talked about Brian, and the loss of friends, and the abandonment I felt, I guess I should say, I thought we talked about those things. It brought up so much, and I spent a long time thinking and praying about what it arose in me. though the immediate sting is gone, and freedom is calling my name, I can't ignore the wounding I still feel from the abandonment I experienced. How do you handle that? How do you balance what should have been, with what is?
The person I was talking with said his heart was for reconciliation. We talked about fault and who's was who's and how hurting people hurt people. I guess that irked me a little. The problem is, it sounded like so much of an excuse - he called it a reason. Optimism aside, the downfall of excuses is they can be true, but they don't make anything right. Deceptive thought.
I asked if I would always be seen as Brian's ex-wife, the woman who left him.Would anyone ever again accept me for me? To this day I still feel as though, it would please so many to see me back with Brian. Like that would right the world and put it back correctly on it's axis. How unfair. To be pigeon-holed so completely. Isn't that just another form of manipulation?
I wondered allowed if it was possible for people to understand what I had gone through and would anyone try to ever see it from my point of view. It was a hard conversation and I wanted so bad for my heart to be seen in it, for me to really be known. I found myself close to tears so many times. I just wanted to know people were willing to try to see me and my side.
Then I realized... it didn't matter. There is a space above all of this 'she said, he said' stuff. It's a place where you begin to realize, I can't ever understand the depth of someone else's pain, and to make judgements about what is right and wrong for them is beyond incomprehensible. I am not their God, and likewise, no one is mine. Freedom once again poked it's lovely head into my soul as I realized, no one had to be my God either. If people have their opinions and thoughts about me and my life, I can stand back and say, good for them. That's what they think is right, but it never has to touch me. I know what God has said to me, and that is enough.
I guess I can let go now. Things will never be the same, and I realize they shouldn't be. I loved with every molecule of my being, giving, sacrificing, molding, changing, everything I knew to do. And that wasn't just for my ex, that was for all of those that I loved and called friends. Once again though, I find myself loving people and hoping it will truly be returned, only to be crushed when it is not. My fault though, my hope can't be in men. It has to be in Christ. I loved well, and I can't let those who failed because they are human rob me of loving in the future. Easier said than done, but I have a great God that will see me through. One that has promised to make me whole and never sacrifice me the I have been in the past.
So I don't grieve anymore, my God and His redemption is complete, and one day, all will see that. Until then, the knowledge is enough for me.
I want you to know, all of this being said, those of you that literally told me they couldn't know me anymore for the place I was in, I am okay. I pray for you, and I love you still. Not the same way, but in a distance way. You did what you thought was best, and though it hurt me in ways you will never know and I hope you don't, my Jesus is faithful to heal, and I trust Him with my heart.
I loved you all so much, and that is why it hurts so much, but you might not understand that, and once again, that is okay. Part of helaing is reconciling by saying, "I was hurt, but it doesn't have to rule me anymore." I wish we could all go back to the way things were, but as a famous movie quote says "Some wounds are just too deep." (Can you place that? ;-) I want to say I hope you see my heart, and appreciate it, but I realize now that you don't have to. That is your choice. All I can do is be as authentic as I can, and trust my Savior with the rest.
I pray for all of you, and want you to know the blessings and intimacy of Christ that I know. Pursue Him as I have, and He will not let you down.
Merry Christmas, and I love you all,
Sara
To You
This is for you...
I had a discussion with a friend tonight. It was enlightening I guess I should say. We talked about Brian, and the loss of friends, and the abandonment I felt, I guess I should say, I thought we talked about those things. It brought up so much, and I spent a long time thinking and praying about what it arose in me. though the immediate sting is gone, and freedom is calling my name, I can't ignore the wounding I still feel from the abandonment I experienced. How do you handle that? How do you balance what should have been, with what is?
The person I was talking with said his heart was for reconciliation. We talked about fault and who's was who's and how hurting people hurt people. I guess that irked me a little. The problem is, it sounded like so much of an excuse - he called it a reason. Optimism aside, the downfall of excuses is they can be true, but they don't make anything right. Deceptive thought.
I asked if I would always be seen as Brian's ex-wife, the woman who left him.Would anyone ever again accept me for me? To this day I still feel as though, it would please so many to see me back with Brian. Like that would right the world and put it back correctly on it's axis. How unfair. To be pigeon-holed so completely. Isn't that just another form of manipulation?
I wondered allowed if it was possible for people to understand what I had gone through and would anyone try to ever see it from my point of view. It was a hard conversation and I wanted so bad for my heart to be seen in it, for me to really be known. I found myself close to tears so many times. I just wanted to know people were willing to try to see me and my side.
Then I realized... it didn't matter. There is a space above all of this 'she said, he said' stuff. It's a place where you begin to realize, I can't ever understand the depth of someone else's pain, and to make judgements about what is right and wrong for them is beyond incomprehensible. I am not their God, and likewise, no one is mine. Freedom once again poked it's lovely head into my soul as I realized, no one had to be my God either. If people have their opinions and thoughts about me and my life, I can stand back and say, good for them. That's what they think is right, but it never has to touch me. I know what God has said to me, and that is enough.
I guess I can let go now. Things will never be the same, and I realize they shouldn't be. I loved with every molecule of my being, giving, sacrificing, molding, changing, everything I knew to do. And that wasn't just for my ex, that was for all of those that I loved and called friends. Once again though, I find myself loving people and hoping it will truly be returned, only to be crushed when it is not. My fault though, my hope can't be in men. It has to be in Christ. I loved well, and I can't let those who failed because they are human rob me of loving in the future. Easier said than done, but I have a great God that will see me through. One that has promised to make me whole and never sacrifice me the I have been in the past.
So I don't grieve anymore, my God and His redemption is complete, and one day, all will see that. Until then, the knowledge is enough for me.
I want you to know, all of this being said, those of you that literally told me they couldn't know me anymore for the place I was in, I am okay. I pray for you, and I love you still. Not the same way, but in a distance way. You did what you thought was best, and though it hurt me in ways you will never know and I hope you don't, my Jesus is faithful to heal, and I trust Him with my heart.
I loved you all so much, and that is why it hurts so much, but you might not understand that, and once again, that is okay. Part of helaing is reconciling by saying, "I was hurt, but it doesn't have to rule me anymore." I wish we could all go back to the way things were, but as a famous movie quote says "Some wounds are just too deep." (Can you place that? ;-) I want to say I hope you see my heart, and appreciate it, but I realize now that you don't have to. That is your choice. All I can do is be as authentic as I can, and trust my Savior with the rest.
I pray for all of you, and want you to know the blessings and intimacy of Christ that I know. Pursue Him as I have, and He will not let you down.
Merry Christmas, and I love you all,
Sara
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Did you think I wouldn't know
Did you think I wouldn't know?
You thought you were sly, you thought you were cool. PS, I saw right through it. You thought you were shaded, no, you were just shady.
I know what you were trying to do. Buy me something when you should have done it years ago. Tell me you are still here, I know you are, the thing is, I don't care anymore. Thought you had power, guess what, it was an illusion. I know, a shock to me too.
You can't get in my mind anymore. You tried, for years, but guess what, little by little, I am ripping you out. Like a cancer I didn't know I had, I started finding ways to see you as you were, a charlaton. Do you even see yourself that way? Probably not.
It wasn't even your money you bought a gift for me with. Wish you got the point. Stolen money like stolen years. Still taking what isn't yours I see. Interesting.
And what were you going to tell me? What could you say? Years of nothing but manipulation, and now you have something of worth to say? Don't be alarmed by the sarcasm all over my face, you should see it coming. You mean Yahoo personals isn't working out? Your next victim saw it coming sooner than I did? Too bad, it must be tough for a man like you.
Tried to ruin a day special to me, but sorry to say, I gave a few minutes, than I put you away. See, you thought you knew me, but that woman, she is gone. That sotto voice I used for you, sweet, innocent, broken.... gone. It's just me left. Strong. Stronger than you thought. Scary isn't it? Someone else has control. Someone else walked in, told you how it was, and walked away. Did you hear the music as I walked away? I did. It was loud, and it said "Well I never saw coming, should have started running a long long time ago, never thought to doubt you, better off without you, more than you know, I 'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better, picking up the pieces, spending all of these years putting my heart back together, the day I never thought I get through, I got over you."
Good try. I give you props for your try, you just didn't know, I see through you. I got smart, smarter than you ever thought I was. I guess you should have listened a long time ago when I told you I had something to give. Now you might know, or you might not, but that doesn't matter, because I might have been curious, but in that moment of choice, I didn't want to hear what you had to say. I already knew, it would just be lies.....
You just didn't think I knew.....
You thought you were sly, you thought you were cool. PS, I saw right through it. You thought you were shaded, no, you were just shady.
I know what you were trying to do. Buy me something when you should have done it years ago. Tell me you are still here, I know you are, the thing is, I don't care anymore. Thought you had power, guess what, it was an illusion. I know, a shock to me too.
You can't get in my mind anymore. You tried, for years, but guess what, little by little, I am ripping you out. Like a cancer I didn't know I had, I started finding ways to see you as you were, a charlaton. Do you even see yourself that way? Probably not.
It wasn't even your money you bought a gift for me with. Wish you got the point. Stolen money like stolen years. Still taking what isn't yours I see. Interesting.
And what were you going to tell me? What could you say? Years of nothing but manipulation, and now you have something of worth to say? Don't be alarmed by the sarcasm all over my face, you should see it coming. You mean Yahoo personals isn't working out? Your next victim saw it coming sooner than I did? Too bad, it must be tough for a man like you.
Tried to ruin a day special to me, but sorry to say, I gave a few minutes, than I put you away. See, you thought you knew me, but that woman, she is gone. That sotto voice I used for you, sweet, innocent, broken.... gone. It's just me left. Strong. Stronger than you thought. Scary isn't it? Someone else has control. Someone else walked in, told you how it was, and walked away. Did you hear the music as I walked away? I did. It was loud, and it said "Well I never saw coming, should have started running a long long time ago, never thought to doubt you, better off without you, more than you know, I 'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over, I'm finally getting better, picking up the pieces, spending all of these years putting my heart back together, the day I never thought I get through, I got over you."
Good try. I give you props for your try, you just didn't know, I see through you. I got smart, smarter than you ever thought I was. I guess you should have listened a long time ago when I told you I had something to give. Now you might know, or you might not, but that doesn't matter, because I might have been curious, but in that moment of choice, I didn't want to hear what you had to say. I already knew, it would just be lies.....
You just didn't think I knew.....
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