How to handle news about your ex

Okay so, after a few months of doing the whole "I am going to pretend that instead of divorced, my ex is dead," game, I finally came to the realization that I during the next year while I am waiting in the terminal of life (AKA my parents house), I will end up seeing him again. I am already playing the "Is that his car? Okay slowly take your foot of the accelerator and do not ram it from behind," game, so I might as well get used to the notion.

I will admit, I have had some fun dabbling in the "If I saw him in a dark alley what would I do...." game. And as tempting as it has been after a long night of Two Buck Chuck/Sex in the City therapy sessions to hack into his myspace, email, and or even just poke the eyes out of all our old wedding pictures, I have not. I have known (in the last standing sane part of my brain) that it might not be in my best interest to do so. It is better to pretend that he no longer exists.
But alas, as things would happen, I knew that there was a certain event that I was certain he would be at. I prepared mentally, rehearsing the I am cool, clever, and highly out of your league now gloat, along with the, we know I was better looking anyways tilt of the head. I walked into the room I thought he would be in, and thought happy thoughts such as, "He is more unhappy than you," and the ever popular "At least I still have my age," to perk myself up and remind myself that though he may never have really loved me, I still have better hair.

Wonder of all wonders though, he wasn't there. Good Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you. I still have those damn ten pounds I want to shed before I see him again. He might get all of our friends, but be damned he won't get those ten pounds!
So hanging out with a mutual friend of ours that can still be a mutual friend...mostly because he knows the whole story and of course agrees with me...I find myself circling back around to thoughts of the dreaded ex and why he didn't show up to a very important event that mostly everybody he knew was at. Don't ask I tell myself You will so regret it! But really I have to know. No, no I don't. Yes, um yes I do. Was it because of me? Was it because of my friends that he wasn't there? Or was it because a hideous boil had broken out on his face and he knew if he went he would scare little children...? Ha! I laugh in my head at the image that creates. I don't think God really answers those prayers, but still, I pray.

"So why didn't he come?" DAMN!!!! It just slipped out! Even as I am kicking myself thinking I should not be listening to the answer... wait, what is this, he didn't come because he went where? That doesn't make sense, that was our spot and our weekend to go to that spot, he wouldn't go there alone, and all of his friends are up here for the event, and I don't think he would skip this event to go with his mother, wait....holy crap....it couldn't be....he wouldn't be....DON'T ASK!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T ASK!!! At this point I think I audibly heard a siren going off in my head along with ared flag waving in my face not to ask the next questions on the tip of my tounge. No, I won't ask, I won't give him the satisfaction. "Was he with another woman?" DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! That's it, it's true, I have verbal terezt!
The sledgehammer fell somewhere between my stomach and heart. Did I really pick yesterday to quit smoking? Wow. Here I have been, trying to think and process through, pray and really (if not bitterly) feel through all of this, and my thirty-three year old construction-working-I-live-with-my-mother-and-drive-a-car-my-daddy-paid-for ex is already dating another woman? Oh Lord, end times, I am ready for the rapture. Well, at least he didn't see her, or else I would have asked and found out what she really looks like. I like the image of a forty year old fat woman who uses Rogain better.

Okay new plan:1. Lose twenty pounds instead of ten
2. Find cute, single, doctor and flirt with him outrageously
3. Find inner peace that takes the form of perfect skin and ass you could bounce a quater off of
4. Find way to get close enough to show all of these things to ex without ever having to talk to him (the verbal terezt might sieze again and blow cover)

As I sat and pondered my new list of things to do, a peace suddenly comes over me. I may be alone now, struggling to figure out what it means to be single in a big bad world, and it might seem very unjust that it is the way it is right now, and he may have already forgotten me, and that is okay. It won't be that way forever. Someday I will find someone better that will help me forget about the pain he caused, and someday I will be with someone that knows my value, and we will be happy. But alas, as for my ex, he may have a new girlfriend after only four months of divorce, but let's be honest, I always have, and always will, dance better than he does.