Stupid Boy

How could you...

Make me believe I was beautiful, but only to you
That I was smart, but not as smart as you
Tell me what I had to give was good, but not enough?

How could you...

See me but not know me,
Want me but take only what you wanted,
Tell me choose, then hate me for choosing.

I gave all, and it was good, I loved much and it was free, I hoped hard and was true. You took what was offered, then what wasn't; you were loved but used only for your own desires; you allowed me to hope, knowing you would never fulfill.

You stole the only thing I had, and told me it wasn't enough. You apologized with your fingers crossed behind your back. You spoke, but never acted, and your messages were clear. You threatened me with the love you professed to have. You caged me and told me to fly for you, tied down and told to run. Black was white and white black, love was sacrifice and pain was right. It was my problem, and you were the answer even when it hurt. I gave innocence and purity, and it came back to me rags.

And for awhile, I thought it was my fault. For a while I blamed myself. I believed you, and it hurt. So I died a little more everyday. I denied pain and quited the screaming in my head. I clipped my wings for you, and almost forgot how to fly.

But not a moment too soon, I was rescued. Barely breathing, on life support, Someone stepped in. Like a morbid scene on the side of a road, I was lifted out while onlookers watched with curiosity. No one lending a hand, but then One came down and lifted me out.

For a while, He attended me, so wounded I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, I felt His comfort. It gave me the strength to come back, to fight, to become conscious again. But the wounds ran deep...

I woke up, and ran. Scared to death that you were right, that I would never be enough, that I was tainted and would never be whole again. My heart closed. It was the only way I had known to survive. I was so calloused, I didn't recognize the touch of true love from the One that loves perfectly. I pushed Him away because you had used His name. If His love was like yours, I couldn't give anymore. I loved Him though, in word and in action, the way I loved you, but couldn't let Him in. The trust was broken to early, and the hope had perished. But He, unlike you, persisted. He was gentle when you had been rough, He was quiet when you had yelled, and He respected my requests when you had never listened. He was patient with His love when you had threatened me with yours. Then one day I prayed, and the I saw the fear that you had helped cultivate, and knew that was what held me captive. I saw the doubt I had believed, and knew it would choke me. I turned them out. I gave them up.

Now He shows me true love. He is nursing me back from the grave with patience and tenderness even when I don't recognize it as that. Even when I confuse quiet presence with silence since all I had known was aggression and control, He is patient. Even when I fear He will stop loving me when I don't do what He wants as you did, He waits. When you confused treasuring me with pacifying me, He speaks to my heart and breathes life into. He romances with truth, not deceit.

And even though you have forgotten me, for once, the broken pieces you have left behind are not mine to pick back up as they had been so many times. Someone else is putting me back together, and this time, the pieces fit perfectly. Stupid boy, you had it all. Now it belongs to someone else, and He gets what wasn't good enough for you, and treasures it. He saw it all, knows what you were to me. He was the one that gave me to you, and one day, you will answer to Him for what you did with the gift He gave you. He was the one that convinced me I was more than you said.

I don't hate you, but I still remember you.
I don't wish you ill, but I can't pray for you yet.
I don't miss you, but I still fight your ghosts.

Stupid boy.

But now there is hope where there had been none,
Love where there had been fear,
Innocense where it had been taken.

Stupid boy, you could have been apart of it, now you will never know it again.