Tears and Fears

Two weeks. I have been gone, or here, for two weeks. The streets have started to look familiar, and the humidity doesn't effect me anymore. The campus still feels like everyones but mine, and I am still trying to figure out a place here, but here I am none the less. 

So often I sit in a coffee shop, or I go for a walk, and I look around, just watching. Faces of the young pass so fast they start to blend. Ironically I think I know I love those I left more than ever. I am living in one of the most powerful cities in the world. Laws are passed, policies are made, and the powerful step down from their podiums just long enough to brush with the bourgeoisie, but I have never felt more disconnected. More at a loss, more... lonely. An emotion so foreign, so alien to me. The four walls that I exist in know me more than the pavement just outside. 

Last night I climbed into bed, turned off the lights and laid there. The city lights were bright and intrusive, the noise from below inviting and isolating at the same time. I looked out the window and life was below. In between the honking horns, and the shouts of greetings, laughter caught on a breeze floated up into my bedroom. It was carefree laughter, the kind that can only come when it is an inside joke. Something spoken in the silliness of the moment. 

I couldn't help but laugh with it as a tear rolled down my cheek and it the covers below me. I know what I am doing is good, it is a good, good thing. An opportunity most would die for. I am living my dreams right? Taking back that which was stolen. Hooray for me, right? Why does it hurt so much then? Why do I feel so out of place, and lost? Why is everything a fight? I can't help but see the irony that a lot of hard things in my life are cloaked in "goodness." 

I am trying to find You here. trying to see your path for me, but to be honest, it's hard. So much of the time I just see blank spots and walls. Once again, I feel like a fish out of water, wondering what pond I will land in next. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, but there are times I feel as though the pre-life crisis I have faced (and henceforth overcome) have actually stunted me. I can no longer settle for relationships based on banal commonality, and teachings shrouded in "seeker friendly" ideals. Once again, the trust I want to place in You is waning. I want to say "You brought me out here, You will take care of it," but I fear what happens if in two months I still feel the same way. Disappointment is not foreign, but how much can one take?

I guess I have no choice. Once again, I am out on a limb here. 

I take a breath out as I finish the prayer running through my head. With the breath, once again, I release my future, my present, and my past.

I am who and what I am, and I have to believe You brought me here for a reason. Lord, give me the humility to keep trusting, and the faith to keep walking. I need You.