The value of a gypsy

As usual, it is almost 4 in the morning, and the inspirational bug is just now hitting. 

There have been a few thoughts that have been floating around the recesses of my infinitely insane mind lately, that have just now become a congealed thought. 

What do the these three things have in common:

1. Value

2. Individualism

3. Passion

Well, if you are as astute as I am (you probably wouldn't be reading this), but otherwise, you would have realized, they are all things necessary for life.

For the last few months, these three words have tormented me incessantly. Not in any known relation to each other, but for different reasons, in different circumstances, in untied ways... like a dripping faucet, they have eaten away at the last bit of sanity that had hung of for longer than expected.

But finally, in the infinite ways of the Holy Spirit, formlessness became a solid mass and I had a rationale thought: I long to be valued in what I have a passion for as an individual. 

I was sitting around a table with three other women I treasure. Two are new additions to my world, one an eternally stable structure in my life, and my desire was to merge two worlds with and bring the beauty of the new to the strength of the past. 

We were all talking about our futures, presents, passions... changes that were happening, and were coming. I listened to the interchange so excited by the way that the old was engaging the new and the way the new was appreciating the old, only to find that when I would interject with thoughts I assumed were relevant, blank stares and stumbling awkward moments of half phrases amounting to "That was almost what I was talking about" were my responses. All of the sudden I realized I was the awkward cousin at family reunion that accidentally received an invitation. And in that moment, the word that had been nagging reappeared and made more sense than I wanted it to: value. I wondered "Now that the two worlds I have known have combined, am I needed any longer?" My value had been super-ceded by the more erudite communication of the parties present. I was somewhere in between the great creativity of one side, the authenticity of one, and the intelligence of another. What I had to offer, had been lost its luster. 

I sat back and pondered for a moment. A moment of hurt washed over me as I realized that maybe my value had come to its end. A match had been made that was far more perfect than either I had known before, and my comparative advantage was overridden, but a certain peace found its way in knowing a greater purpose had been served. The transient gypsy I felt I was, had once again struck: my job was done, on to the next.

What that job is, is yet to be known, but for the moment, the first word made sense. I longed for value. A place of belonging. The heart I had known was in need of people that recognized its value. A position unthreatened because it was too true to its gifts. 

There will be better hearts, minds, spirits... people than I. My father used to say, "There will always be someone better than you out there." Hurtful as a child, can be freeing as an adult. It's not about how great you are, it's about finding the match that recognizes the inherent value in the uniqueness that is me... or someone else, or anyone at all. The knowledge that I am irreplaceable not because I am perfect, but because I have value. 

Where that is, I have yet to find. I guess that's the gypsy in me...