Old Dogs

Adjusting and readjusting is never an easy task.

As I sit at home, in the quiet of my apartment, my cat curled up next to me breathing softly, I take a glance around and feel a juxtaposition I wasn't expecting.

For some reason, this home no longer has the same sense of deep safety and comfort it once did. Not sure why, I gloomily take in my surroundings. Pictures hang on the wall of memories from what seem like a lifetime ago. A person I don't recognize inhabits the frames with friends and family that only know the 2 dimensional version and are still struggling with the nondimensional version that now exists.

Apparently, so am I.

The precipice I walked off of recently has landed me on what feels like a hard surface. Not dead, and not hurting too much, but enough of a bump on my ass from the fall to wonder why I stepped off in the first place.

It had appeared all signs this way, all arrows pointing this direction, and all lights green. So why the sudden halt when I hit what feels like a big fat smack of reality?

I wish I knew.

All I know is this season has not been a fun one. Over and over again it has seemed that it is a strange time of reconciliation and redemption mixed with potent loss and confrontation. And let's me honest, I would rather be passive aggressive than confrontational any day. That takes much less courage.

What I don't get is, why the sharp contrasts, why the all signs go then what feels like slamming into a brick wall at supersonic speeds?

As I sit here and ponder, the only real answer I get is... none. Which usually means the same thing it has always meant. Wait. Rely. Trust. Think on all things lovely about Him.

This sucks.

Not that I don't trust, but it always seems as I have to wait, rely and trust, I move restlessly and whimper the way a dog does when you tell him to sit as you are holding a treat and he can see it. I keep shape shifting and grumbling and throwing myself around freaking out trying to figure out what I should do, wrestling with the pain of the situations and create a good outcome of what seems to be destitution.

After everything I have been through, I still think I am better at creating resolutions than the most creative Person I know.

I guess old dogs have a hard time learning new tricks.