The nights come so fast. Before I know it, it's dark. I always laugh a little, turning on my lights at 3:30 in the afternoon. East facing windows, right?
Just like the weather has been avoiding turning cold, I have been avoiding dealing with certain realities that just won't go away. Have you ever been soul tired? The kind of tired that isn't physical, and isn't mental, but its a sort of tired that expresses itself in the form of too much TV and not enough laughter? Its a tired that comes from running around your own mind. A thought pops up you don't want to deal with, so you quick step away, distracting yourself with a shiny object. Then you turn a corner and there's another one, so you retreat somewhere else, finding another distraction, then another, then yet another, until you are spending most of your day avoiding yourself and every thought you can think, forgetting in the first place what you wanted to forget. Quiet is no longer quiet, its judgement, your journal is no longer a friend, tear stained with sympathy, but instead mocks you from the bedside table, reminding you of your failings.
But maybe that's just me.
The end of the year is coming fast, and I can't help but be reflective over this last year. It's been a crazy time for sure. I have been to an airport, either to fly, or pick up every month, except October. That's right. EVERY month. I packed a suitcase 6 times, not include the return trips. I have gained a few friends, and lost some even closer ones. I have lost 20 pounds, struggling with the fat sister image I always had. I have continued to fall more deeply in love and ultimately realized that imperfection in relationship is just a normal as imperfection in self. Dreams have been fulfilled I didn't even know I had. I have smiled and cried more in this year than ever before in my life.
I spent so much time sitting with Jesus, letting Him explain me, to me, then Him to me, then me again, and back around. At the end of it, I sit here, no farther along, no wiser, no more whole than I was before, in fact, at this moment it feels worse than ever.
When God first really took me to a place of reflection, I fell in love. I fell in love with silence, with Him, with coming to grips with who I am and my past, and everything that made me me. I fell in love with peace.
Then the shit hit the fan. It's really easy to love peace when you are surrounded by it, but the minute I left it, and the real world hit, it was just as I thought it would be, cruel, unkind, unforgiving and unrelenting. The hard part is fighting the battle between truth and lies. See, if anything, this has been a year of contradictions.
It started with such promise. I was being given everything I ever wanted on a silver platter and for once, it seemed that silver platter wasn't fake. There were no strings attached and I it wasn't on loan. I reveled in the message from God, being loved for the sake of love. Having Him shower me with love and the attention I had always craved. Value. I had value for once. What I was, for once, was enough. Nothing more, nothing less, there was value in what I was just for what I was. It was a breath of fresh air. The kind of truth you aren't sure you want to believe, because if it isn't true, it's going to crush you. Absolutely crush you.
Enter stage left: everyone else.
With perfect timing, it seems everything fell apart. One of my best friends and had a falling out, shattering a friendship I thought was unbreakable. It was like my ex-husband all over again: you are not worth me having to admit I am wrong. You are less valuable than this object over here.
In the middle of that, another friendship I thought would never be shaken, started hurting. The same message was coming through: your value is replaceable. Then I looked up and realized, I didn't have any friends left.
Weeks without calls from family members, combined with their requirements for love repeat the same message, over and over again.
To those of you that think I am being over dramatic, my boyfriend tried to plan a a surprise party for me on my 25th birthday. Three people showed up, two were my sister and brother. I didn't know who to feel worse for, me for not having any friends, or him for realizing it too.
Then the nail in the coffin. My sister, brother and boyfriend went out on the town after a birthday dinner on Friday. The more we drank, the more my brother lavished love on my sister. He would hug her and tell her how much he loved her and talk with her. I thought I was being sensitive, but when he actually pushed me out of a hug and started to ignore me... well some things are hard to ignore.
I started to cry. I couldn't help it. My sister knew immediately what was happening, as my boyfriend did, and both tried to do something about it, but there was nothing that could be done. I was crushed. Message received.
I don't blame my brother at all. There is such an age difference, and he never lived with me. He has so much more history with my sister, but over the last few years, I have tried so hard to change that. I admire him and look up to him so much, I have always wanted for him to get to know me as a person. I always felt he saw me as the spoiled one and I know how much he respects my sister for the hard things she has gone through, and I secretly, I guess thats why I have always tried to prove myself to him.
I think in reality, I have been trying to prove myself to everyone, in one way or another. Trying to make everyone see that I have value, place, that I may not be the most beautiful, or the most witty, or the smartest, or the wisest, but I do have something to contribute. If I just had the chance to prove it...
The ultimate question, the ultimate truth between the lies comes in the form of one question: is it them, or is it me?
Pure mathematics and statistics would seem to say the problem lies with me. But I just can't figure out what that is. I keep asking myself, what could I have done to push all of these people away? What is so wrong with me?
I think I have always known that love is fragile. I used to tell my friends all the time how important they were to me, how much I loved them, somehow having that sense of foreboding, knowing it wouldn't last forever. It seems to fall apart so easy. One wrong move, and the whole house disappears. What was my misstep? What about me, is so less special, has so little value, that people can walk away without a second thought? What can I do different to make people want to stick around?
Sometimes it feels like the bone tired feeling may be born of trying to please everyone, in an attempt to please myself. My mother says you can't fear rejection, that its inevitable, and I agree with her, but when it hits so close to home and you find yourself at home on a Friday night, experience seems to dictate the script running through my mind. I have battled the enemy of action not dictating love, but it seems to only have gotten bigger, and smarter. Or, I was just wrong from the start.
Answers refuse to come as sit here hoping for a reality that is bigger than this pain, but nothing comes. Instead, I sit, wishing I could drink, but knowing it would not mix well with my antibiotics.
Lord, I know these things aren't Your fault, and I know You can't control me, or others. And I don't want You to. But I ask for Your patience, Your peace, Your wisdom.... mostly, just Your love to surround me now. I need You so much, and I am sorry I avoid You at times. Please forgive me and show me what I need to see. Show me Your truth.
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