I miss you already

You sleep here next to me. Solid, study breathing escapes from you along with the occasional sigh as you fall deeper. My cat has curled herself snuggly into the crook of your arm... usually where I sleep. The room is so quiet, I can almost hear your heart beat. I look at your sweet face and see how a smile plays at the corners of your mouth, and not the kind that comes from a moment of happiness, but the kind that comes just because you are always happy. A perpetual smile. A positive outlook that dances across your continence even as you sleep. I miss you already.

And I sit here thinking... what if. Earlier you mentioned something. Something I think you let slip. A curiosity of what would be if I wasn't going... I cried. You said you were excited for me to gain all that had been stolen and all I could think was but will it come at another loss? 

The irony does not escape me. 

You just stirred and mumbled something while you reached out to find me. I moved back slightly so you would catch me, knowing if you found me, you wouldn't wake up fully. You need your sleep. I need you. What happens when you reach out, and I am not there? What happens when I reach out, and you aren't there? 

I have tried to slow down lately. Tried to memorize your touch, your smell, your face. The scar on your chin, the crook in your nose, the way you brush your hands across my lips before you kiss me. 

The sound of our laughs colliding as something stupid happens between us. The way you look at me when I do something ridiculous. The way you hold my hand, the way you lead me into a room, protective and sweet. The way you won't let me open the door for myself. 

I scoot away slightly closing my eyes. Maybe if I pretend you aren't here right now, if I try to remember the way you feel while you are still near, somehow that will comfort me when you really are no longer there. I see your face in my minds eye, smiling. 

It doesn't work. I just want you near. Without you knowing, I reach over and place your hand on my hand. Just the touch is enough right now. 

I know all too well what life can bring. I am so scared darling. The unknowns weigh heavier than the knowns. Will this time change you, will it change me? Will it change us?

We always said a day at a time; I hope that is enough. 

I hope you know how your love has healed me. I hope you know how much you have taught me to try again. I don't know if I ever told you how scared I was at first. How powerfully you affected me immediately. I was so scared to lose that bit of control I had just gained back. I tell you every so often thank you. Thank you for loving me. You always laugh and say it is so unnecessary for me to thank you, but what can I do? I can't help but be thankful for a man and love that is so... real. I hope you feel my love, I hope you see my heart, I hope you happiness, I hope you blessings. Ugh, I hope... I hope you know. I will love you forever. 

I miss you already...