The other night, out of a deep love of my boyfriend and against my deep hate of the super sci-fi, I succumb to his puppy dog eyes and watched the newest Harry Potter. As we sat watching, there was a scene where one of the characters used his "magic" to clean a room that had been destroyed and dirtied. With a sweep of his wand and a few moments of whirlwind, wordlessly everything was put back in place, lamps were fixed and lit, tears were mended and right was restored. The room was returned to peace and comfort easily as the inhabitants did nothing but watch and wait.
The scene intrigued me. Not out of cheap entertainment for a few laughs and childish moments of wishing we could all clean our rooms the same way, but for a different reason; one I hadn't quiet put together yet.
Then the other day I was thinking about our decisions, our choices and their consequences. I was thinking about the "I wishes" and "If only's" of life and all the regrets that come with trauma's brought on by a world in hurt and suffering. But as I thought about them, I also thought about all that I was thankful for and all that God had brought to my doorstep. The blessings I now know because of all those regrets and all of those memories I sometimes wish I didn't have to fight.
I thought about how all the good in my life I have now would not have been possible without those bad choices, those mistakes, those so called wrong paths. I thought about how the last three years of my life have been much like the scene in the movie as my life has been restored. Without even knowing it, slowly but surely everything has been righted, turned back and in most cases been better than they could have been otherwise. As if I wrecked a Toyota to be given an Acura. At times I wonder at the wisdom of entrusting the blessings to me, but then I realize those blessing reveal more about the character of the Giver rather than my character, or it's deficiencies.
Suddenly I have lifted my head and I see more beauty than I ever have. I see Him newly, I see life newly and I see hope as a source of comfort rather than the thorn it once felt like. All of the times I have been forgotten, used, abused... all of the times I have reached to the wrong hand for support, the times I have been irresponsible with time, love, affection or just naive and stupid for the sake of youth and ignorance... those have all been stepping stones to something better, something more than I ever thought was possible.
And as this was being done, as all of this was being righted and blessed and resurrected, it happened not as I asked for it, but instead as I was struggling, pressing, arguing, doubting and cursing the heavens in frustration, pain and confusion. I knew timing was everything, but to hope, to desire, to want Him and His heart hurt too much after what felt like years of rejection. Those years helping lead me to those supposed mistakes and bad choices. As I was pounding on the doors of heaven and was hearing nothing but a quiet "Not yet. Soon, but not yet," my back was turned to the perfection He was creating.
Then, one day, the door opened. But instead of showing me what He had done, He just sat in the doorway with me. Not speaking often, but just waiting as I stopped thrashing around. As the peace came and the trust followed and I quit asking questions because He was near, I began to see His face and heart. Amazed by what I found there I no longer cared about anything else. And then, when the time was really right, He turned me around... and I saw it. I saw what He had done and the reality came crashing in. His heart has always been good, His hand has always been there, but the journey... the journey is the goal, not the result.
His death and resurrection had a purpose far larger than I had been taught. It had been a release of more than death, it had been the release of hope into a broken world. It was the restoring effect that swept the room clean, turning everything back to right.
Living in the resurrection has more consequences than the defeat of sin... that's just mercy. The grace... the grace has much, much more in store. The grace is the key to heavens gate. Mercy would keep us in purgatory, somewhere in between heaven and hell balancing sin against good deeds. Mercy takes us from the depths to the terrestrial. It says "careful with those bad decisions, they have consequences." The grace that comes with the resurrection, that is what opens the gates of heaven and crosses the great divide to exist on earth before we ultimately go home. Grace is what speaks the language of abundance. Its the gift of righting what has been destroyed without lifting a finger. The grace is His chance to show off how great and good and grand and big and creative He really is. What good is mercy without grace? What good is a magician without an audience and can God be God without someone or some people to perform His goodness on? Where's the fun in that?
So what does this mean for me? Well, it sure does blur the lines between God's will and my mistakes. There is no purpose for redemption without something to redeem. If this is true what mistake, what sin, what death, what wrong decision has any power other than to allow God a chance to be just what He is... God?
Maybe it isn't about watching every step and worrying about every sin, but what if... what if it is about being so focused on knowing His heart and knowing Him, that nothing else matters? What if it was more about banking every decision on the goodness of His heart instead of the goodness hand. What if it was more about trusting Him to direct the journey rather than being worried about missing a step, or making a wrong one, or messing it up with sin or a bad decision? What if those bad decisions, missteps, mistakes or wrong choices are the death that comes before the resurrection? What if those are not closed doors, but open doors that lead to a path of miracles based on a Jesus that is more concerned with teaching through blessing than punishment? Could it be so good, so wonderful as that? After everything I have been through, after the rescue I have seen, after the blessings I know, after the hope I have encountered when I was on the brink of death of heart... I say yes. I KNOW it's a yes.
Freedom has come. Slowly but surely. Not in the known, but in the unknown. Freedom has come in the journey and adventure of not knowing what He has up His sleeve, but knowing it is going to be one hell of a journey watching and waiting. The freedom is in knowing He is more creative than I am. Freedom is knowing He is smarter and always more right than I am. Freedom is knowing I can trust His heart for me and it isn't dependent on my actions. Freedom is knowing His will is more powerful than my screw-ups. Freedom is knowing I can surrender to Him and it and be swept over by the power of it. It's living without fear because no matter what, He is in control. It's believing Him when He says "I love you more than I hate sin and I won't ever, ever let anything separate me from you. I am on your side, always and forever." It's knowing we aren't adversaries, but we are teammates, partners.
When I don't know what to do, I do everything, then wait and see what He does. When I don't hear, I do nothing. I wait for the tugs on my heart and trust the mind He gave me and the Spirit inside me to hear Him.
Living the resurrection is not trying to be righteous and worrying about whether or not I am doing things "right." Living the resurrection is laughing when He does something so outrageous you know it was meant just to put a smile on your face. It's living today and letting tomorrow be resurrected tomorrow. It's waiting with patience and hope while He mischievously redeems that which has not been redeemed yet. It's waiting with expectation to see what miracle He wants to preform next. Living in the resurrection is that beautiful moment of looking at something that seems so dead and impossible, then turning around, looking Him in the face and saying "I can't wait to see how You bring this back to life. I have no idea how you are going to do it, and it might not be today, or in a year and I still may have to grieve until I see the results, but I am still freaking stoked to see what You do with it. Have fun."
Lord, You are so good, and even as I write these things, still I see places in my life that are yet to be fully redeemed, fully set right, but now... now I can't wait to see what You are going to do. I see the places that seem impossible to make beautiful, the fears not yet broken, the wounds not yet healed, but now, now I trust You so much with them. Your blessings have taught me your outrageous and wonderful heart. Your love is more than I have ever deserved, but all that I have ever wanted and needed. As I search for that, I know, I know You are going to continue this journey with me, redeeming me and my life all the way. You are the most amazing thing I could never imagine. Thank You for being my God.
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