Lately I seem to be finding myself drowning in a small pool of water. The warning signs reading "careful 3ft of water" laugh at me as I seem to not be able to gasp enough air at 5'6". Fresh cynicism reminds me I am far from the summit, or even the steps of the pool.
I have spent years immortalizing my struggle for deep connection with Jesus through keyboard and mouse (as opposed to pen and paper). And true to my hearts knowledge and instinct, the only thing that has ever truly satisfied me has been just what I thought it would be, Jesus and the good ol' Holy Spirit. I have begun to understand what it means when the old Psalmists would speak of "Your words are like water to parched land." When He does speak, it's like your soul is revealed to you in a whole new way. As though I have been floundering in the dark and a candle has been lit, revealing at least a small space. Answers given to better questions than I had ever asked before. As if He was saying "You don't need to know that. You need to know this." All of the sudden peace floods in and my response to truth, whatever it is that He is saying, is so powerful, my whole body floods with gratitude and every cell seems to scream "Yes!!!!! So Yes!!! To whatever! Yes!!!!"
Those moments fill my heart and mind with a sort of faith I can't explain. A sort of longing unmatched and a sort of loyalty that seems foolish and foul hardy. But while what my heart longs for and what my mind can justify seem to be at odds, my spirit makes up for lost acreage and seals the deal. I only want Him and only Him. And without Him, I am lost. Half what I want to be and a quarter of what I should be. Woefully close to an inadequacy that leaves me frustrated and hurting.
Every good gift He has given me, that defines me, that makes me me, that is a compilation that sets me apart, not good or bad, or less or more, but different and His, trips me up and sends me reeling to an unknown, or even known that is terrifying. Ambitious; what is in front of me commands my attention. Selfish; searching for a love source that leads me to Him, leads me astray. Just intelligent enough to get lost in the minutia, pragmatic enough to be pessimistic and fearful. Sensitive to a fault.
I need Him more than I know, and yet I know how much and it only drives me more crazy. His touch has seemed few and far between, leaving me panting in the dark hoping for any sort of bullet that will end my misery, taking out my frustration on anyone that is foolish enough to love and turning all who cross me into enemies of the state.
Then a storm hits. No, I mean literally. A storm hit and I couldn't get out of DC to CA where one of the few people that represents peace and hope exists. Awesome. No longer pragmatic, I think I have become a watch list member for Northwest/Delta. They came to replace any sense of loss of control, hurt anger, frustration or enmity that I have ever had in my life. And they paid dearly for it. Actually, I take that back. They listened painfully to it, but never paid anything, or even gave me what I wanted. I love business, but hate monopolies.
Sort here I sit, spinning my wheels, waiting in a terminal, for literally anything. His voice, His touch, His hope, a flight, an electronics outlet.... whatever. Anything at this point. What do I do in the meantime? Put my computer away to save battery, turn off my cell phone, watch the screen, pray and read my book.
And hope. For anything. Pragmatism be damned, the only thing that will save me is a heart attack... from a different sort that is. And nothing, no screaming, at airlines or the sky, will bring it any sooner. If I have learned anything in the last few years, its you can't control the weather, and you can't rush the Holy Spirit. And as much as it pains me, both have a purpose, and both don't answer to me.
This three feet of water is killing me, but I have to trust the swim Teacher knows what They are doing.
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