On days I don't work, which is more often than not, I could go the whole day without speaking to another person (other than on the phone). I walk the streets of DC going here and there, Ipod playing, thinking about everything and nothing. I go to and from class, to and from the gym, to and from the store, barely making eye contact with others, avoiding awkward glances when you accidently catch someones eye.
Some days it makes me terribly lonely, others terribly free. It's an up and down roller-coaster, always leading me to wonder how I will wake up feeling the next day. What it always does though, is remind me of how on-my-own I really am. No one is responsible for me besides me. Once again freeing... yet lonely.
I remember when I went and met with my pastor a few months ago. We talked about deciding to get married again, and how scary that was for me. I kept telling him I didn't want to make the same mistake again. I didn't want to decide wrong. I didn't know if I was seeing things right. He told me not to worry, that he, as my pastor, help me. He would be looking out for me too. I cried. I cried for days. I still cry about it.
As I have ventured out and started a new position, dipping my toes into a world I had thought would only be a dream place, just above the glass ceiling, more and more I feel that familiar aching I have come to know so well. A tug of war I feel deep in the pit of my stomach, telling me there is a fear I am ignoring.
I had started this position not caring what happened. It came into my life by God's abrupt gifting, and by experience, you never know what can happen. But, as it would happen, the more I invest, the more I fall in love. It's a culture that seems to fit, one of the few places I have found a piece of home that has brought a small peace of home.
But this life, if I choose to pursue it, will not lead back to were I began this journey. It would most likely keep me here. Three thousand miles away from the family I love, the and future I want in the man I love. I have begun to feel stuck somewhere in Missouri. Half way between DC and San Francisco. Past and future exist in both, but neither feel completely right. Neither feel the complete package.
Feeling grumpy, frustrated, stuck, scared and alone all day, I sat down to Skype with the man that God has given me to be an example of His love everyday. I poured out my heart, haltingly, in between my bad attitude spawned by my struggles. Not knowing what I was hurting and fearing, I just talked. And talked, and talked... and talked... the way only someone who doesn't know where they are going can talk.
I told him my fears, my frustrations, my wants, this budding passion, desires that didn't lead to him geographically. I was scared talking to him, as though my new love for work was a disloyalty to him somehow. I repeated over and over again how I didn't know what to do, and what I wanted. As if I had to choose.
He gently and lovingly reminded me, I didn't. He wanted me. He wanted my best, our best, whatever God said it was. Whatever God gave us. He reminded me that I didn't have to make the decision on my own, but that he would make it with me. It would be a decision for us. I wasn't alone.
Then he said something that broke down my last fear. He said "Pray about it. We will pray about it. It's all we can do. Jesus loves you. He wants you to be happy. He will show you what that is."
Oohh... that's right. He loves me. He wants me to be happy. He WANTS me to be happy. He WANTS ME to be happy. I forgot.
It's not always about having to make the tough decision knowing it will always lead to loss. Sometimes it is a win/win situation. And maybe it won't be. But what is true, is that I won't be alone in it. It's not sole my decision, and if I make the wrong one, lead to my eminent destruction, along with everyone else I love. Just because I want it, doesn't make it automatically wrong. In fact, that just might, make it right.
I may walk the streets alone, go to bed alone, go to dinner alone, go to class alone, but I'm not alone. I am not the only one responsible for me. My Father is responsible for me as well. He has taken responsibility, as a Father, as a Lover, as a Friend, as a Companion, as a Guider. The best I can do is try and step into His flow. If it works, it works.
I am not responsible for everyone around me, nor am I a burden to everyone around me. And if the man I love decides to move his life for me, that's his right. It's his right to love me that much. And maybe I am his prize. Looking out for me, making decisions with me, letting me rely on him... It's a reminder how really unalone I am.
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