In Vain

I'll never regret making the decisions I have. As hard as it has been, I made them, they were mine and I own them. Still though, when you take a risk, jump off a cliff and reality slams into you like unforgiving cement, the realization the parachute didn't open hurts. So does the landscape from a much lower elevation.

I have no one to blame, but still the desire to blame is so pungent. I took a major gamble... and I lost; everything. That sinks in deeper everyday. I remember when I was deciding to come back or not, I was talking with a friend and they said, "Your career is always out there, but the person you love, that may not always be there." And they were right, but it never dawned on me that I would lose both.

I've been doing everything I can to get back at least a portion of what I lost. There is no part of me that wants to admit defeat in every aspect. Somehow it can't be true that everything went up in a puff of smoke. All the potential in the world, but no follow through, in everything. It all fit together so well, love, career, hopes, dreams, redemption. It was exactly what every person dreams of and more. It was too good to be true, and somehow, deep down inside, I knew it. I shouldn't be so surprised, but still, I am.

I keep emailing friend back in DC. I want to go back so badly. I don't want to admit when I moved home for love, it could really mean the end of not only the love, but the career in the field I loved. I never thought that was such an option, then again, when I came home, I never really thought the love I had would end so easily. It seems Murhpy's law has struck again. Nothing is panning out, and I know if I want to go back I'm going to have to take a similar risk. I'm going to have to go back without any guarantees. It seems most of what I am doing in life is taking risks with not only no guarantees, but nothing but storm clouds ahead. When did life get this dark and gloomy? I used to be so hopeful, but then again, that hope is what seems to have led me down a romantically disillusioned path.

Part of me feels so foolish, the other begging the heavens that it all has a meaning greater than just stupid mistakes. I plead with the pages of my Bible that watching everything circle drain has more meaning that accidents, bad decisions and coincidental meetings at bars. I know so much of the ending of the relationship was timing. I was ready, he wasn't. I wanted to grow up, he didn't. He loved his life of sports, boys and non-responsibility more than he loved me, and though it hurts, I know I can't take it as personally as I was. The only thing that gets to me, how meaningless is that? How empty can it be? I made life altering decisions, it meant everything to me, and somehow it was just a misfire of timing?

The faith in me begs that to be untrue. The hope I have known forever pleads that it wasn't as simply worthless as that. This God I have served my whole life, He can't be so impotent as to let the chaos of timing reign. Right? I believed I was following His voice coming home, whether or not I was right, whether or not I heard Him correctly, it can't be as simple as bad timing. Right?

They say depression is part of the grieving process. Not only am I grieving the loss of a love, but of a career, of dreams, of a future, of what I thought was real. As I am grieving all of it, I have to believe it's all more purposed than it feels right now. My recovery of hope and faith hinges on my ability to not feel as though I was just a fool on a fools errand of foolishly deceived love. Was it justified? Was the decision to leave what was sure for what was unsure as stupid as it appears right now?

I know Scripture says there is a purpose for our lives, for the moves we make. Part of me needs to know, I need to feel as though the love I gave him, the risks I took, the hope I had, the faith in greatness, in redemption, in miracles wasn't misguided and vain as it feels. My world stopped spinning as his continued with ease and simplicity, and my heart, it pleads with my Creator for some sort of comfort in the loss. Please, don't let this have been a sacrifice for nothing.

Does He see? Is He as cold as the lover I left? Does He take no concern over the sacrifices I made? And will I pay for them forever? No one owes me anything. They were my decisions, but still, my heart cries for meaning in them. Will the pieces of myself I lost, will the dreams I gave up, will the love I had, will they always feel like a cross to bear? Or will they bear some sort of fruit in the future that means more than loss?

There is no great rescue that can make everything better right now. No one thing that can erase everything that has happened, but I wonder, will the future bring something worth the risk and loss?

My heart is healing, everyday, a little more. I can see someday I will love again, probably sooner rather than later. Everyday I miss him less and see the truth more. It sinks in that if someone I loved so much could walk away, it was better that they did. But the knowledge of how much I sacrificed, how much I loved, it haunts me. I need to know it meant more than empty promises and vain attempts to "make it work." I need to know the love I had, gave and moved in was more than just a "stepping stone" to something. I want to know it left a mark, it moved something, that it was recognized, it was worth more than just a few months of empty attempts to justify walking away. In faith a took a leap, and though it didn't work out, I want so badly to know it means more than just a simple "we just weren't meant to be" as someone walks away. It was never so simple for me, and it never will be.

And though I can never, and will never want my ex to justify it, I cry out for God to. I ask, maybe in vain, for more than just the pain of bad timing. When someone sacrifices for something they believe in, it should never be so easily cast aside as a fools errand. And I pray, for the sake of my heart, hope and faith, it won't be that way for me.

Oh God, please, don't let this have meant so little. Father, show me You see. Please, show me You see my heart and the love I had, the decisions I made based on that love and faith. I can't ask for everything over night, but I ask for patience, for healing, for release, for hope in the midst of death. And I ask for a miracle. I ask for the decisions I made not to be in vain, but to be apart of Your grander plan. I ask for the wisdom to see it, for the faith to believe it and for the healing to receive it. I've made bad decisions in the past and watched You redeem them. If that's all he was, a bad decision, Lord, redeem again. And I pray for a love that puts everything I have known to shame. I pray You send me a love that will honor the sort of love I want to give. I pray for someone that sees the value of a woman that will leave everything when it's worth it.

And I pray the decision I made is anything but empty. I've lost everything, my dreams, my hopes, everything I wanted in life. Please, let me know it's not only in Your control, but part of a plan I can't fully see. I ask for purpose. Please Lord, let me see purpose beyond just stepping stones, but something more. And as I'm waiting for the stone to be rolled away, I'm asking for a faith I don't posses to trust You. Show me more of Your heart. I'm sorry for the doubt, I'm sorry for the unfaithfulness, and in it's place, I beg of You to show me more of You. Show me Your version of my life, the past and the present. How do You see it? How do You see what I have been through? Whatever Your perspective, I pray You give me the eyes to see it.