As I continue to grieve, refusing to leave any rock unturned, any feeling unfelt, any baggage not dealt with, I find myself in the scariest place yet.
When I fell in love, the worst thing that could have happened did. I believed every hope, every dream, every prayer, every wish was coming true. Not at first of course, but through time, through consistency, slowly, I believed it was possible. Happy endings weren't just the thing of fairy-tales, they were possible. Everything I had believed in was true.
Then it died, and to be honest, I fear a piece of me died with it.
It's not just about losing someone I loved. It's about losing everything that went with it. I awakened to so much hope, trust, belief, passion and conviction. My heart began to open and for once, I saw more than death, I saw life. I felt excitement build in me as I began to dream for the first time. I had only known so much pain, heartache, frustration and for once, I could see a horizon. It seemed we had been lead together, kept together and shown a love in human terms that was an expression of a heavenly love. At least that's what I thought. Then I found out it wasn't real.
I don't even miss my ex anymore. I can't. I don't know who he is. But I do miss me. I used to believe in love, in goodness, in hope and trust. And I hate what this has done to me. I hate that now I question everything and everyone, especially myself. I was so convinced he loved me. I was so sure, there was never anything saying any different and I feel so foolish for believing him. I feel so dumb for thinking love could conquer, that if I stayed vulnerable, open and trusting, we would be possible. I feel so naive for having believed he ever loved me enough to work out the hard things, to dream with me, to love me in good and bad. I feel ridiculous for thinking love songs were based on real life, for being stupid enough to think I had that. I hate I wasted a good heart on someone that so callously lied about how much he really loved me. A silly hopeless romantic proved there is no such thing. Stories are for kids, and happy endings are for box office dollars. Beauty fades and rarely does love win.
And I was so sure this was from God. I remember praying for wisdom, praying for confirmation, praying for peace. I remember asking for His will and feeling Him tug me in the direction of forward with my ex. I trusted God as easily as I trusted my ex. There was no reason not to. At the time, I believed in happy endings, I believed in love for a lifetime, in redemption that was bigger than death and hope that wouldn't be deferred forever. Every dream I had, every time I swore I heard God's voice, how could I have? Some people say life isn't black and white, but how is it not? Either there is a meant to be, a path, a will, a life God has, or it's all chaos. I used to believe in hearing from Him, I used to believe that God had a will... now I'm not so sure. It's one thing to feel betrayed by a human, I can't fault someone for not loving me, but I battle feeling just as betrayed by God.
Did I hear wrong? Did He never speak at all? Was it all just a made up delusion? Hear I thought this man loved me, I thought we were so designed by God, so perfect in the imperfection, all the while he was looking for a way out. Did I hear what I wanted to hear based on faulty information? Was it all, as my ex puts it, a fairy-tale that was bound to end? How could I have gone so unhinged for so long?
My faith has taken such a beating. And once again, it's not about my ex. It's about the fact that I believed him, and when there was no purpose to lead me on and lie to me about his feelings, he did. It's about the fact that I trusted and hoped and it ended up that I was trusting and hoping in something that wasn't real. It had never been real and somehow I mistook it for the most real thing I had ever been apart of. The mirage disappeared and I was sucking sand thinking it was water the whole time. I had no idea I was living in a world that was anything besides real.
What else have I hoped in that isn't so true? I'm not going to lie, my faith has taken a beating. If I could be so convinced, if I could convince myself so much that someone loved me, if I could feel so sure about that, so secure, and have it be a lie, have it be not real, what else am I believing that isn't real? I was so sure I had heard God, how can I believe in His voice then? How can I ever know I heard Him, or will hear Him, or do hear Him? How can I know He is as involved in my life as I want Him to be? My head and heart crave reality. They crave what they can trust, what won't turn out to be a mirage.
Did I believe he loved me just because I really wanted to? And what else do I believe just because I really want to, verses what is real and true?
I so easily trusted that things would work out, that God was speaking, active and hearing me. I believed He was working in my life, that everything had a purpose, that redemption was more than just a hope for the other side. When everything I thought was true disappeared, with it went a huge chunk of that easy faith and hope.
Now it hurts. It hurts to believe. It scares me. I don't know what's up, what's down and what's real and what's not. I was so easily fooled once, and to be honest, I don't know at all where God was in it. What did I hear, what didn't I hear? And that doesn't help at all.
After my ex broke up with me the first time, before the second, I had to decide to move home. I prayed about it, and believed it was right to move home and give this a chance. I threw all my eggs in one basket knowing I had to give it everything I had. I had no idea that wasn't what my ex really wanted, but for me, it was a choice to love completely and totally, to risk greatly... to hope. I didn't know where things had gone wrong, what he wanted, what was real and what wasn't, what was right and what wasn't. I didn't know where the miscommunication had happened and I knew I had to work to fight for a love I was so sure was real. It was hard, I was scared out of my mind thinking it was going to end inevitably, but I couldn't just give up. I couldn't succumb to the fear, I had to hope. I had to believe it was possible to see redemption, miracles and love.
I find myself in the same place, but with Someone else. I look around and see only death, I see betrayed trust, pointless love and purposeless loss. I see mortal wounds and aged youth and faith holding on by a very thin string. I don't know what to believe, what is real and what is going to happen. I know in my fear I'm deciding whether or not I will move, but this time it isn't 3,000 miles, it's from one thought to another. The hopeless romantic in me reserved just enough space left in my hard heart to wait. I feel betrayed by both man and God, but there is a tiny portion of me that holds out. Maybe, just maybe there may still be a storybook ending, if not for my and my ex, but for me and my God. If I don't stick around though, I'll never know.
I don't regret moving home. I loved with every piece of me, I gave every shot, held nothing in my back from him. I believed the best about him, us and myself, and I dared to hope and believe in possibilities. I don't regret giving him every last chance to do the same. I'm not mad I gave everything up, I don't resent him, I'm not even angry with myself. In fact, quite the opposite, I'm so happy I did. I have no regrets, no moments I wish I had loved him more, no wondering what would have happened. If there is any moment of solace right now, it's knowing no matter if it was real or not, I acted as though it was, and I allowed myself to risk. I decided to love and I know without a doubt, how much I loved him was a reflection of how much I can love. It may not have been a treasure to him, but it's a treasure to me, knowing I have that ability. It hurts now, oh how it hurts now, to have loved so much when the other was not nearly as invested. I feel such a fool and I may feel stupid for not knowing, for trusting, but I will never feel foolish for loving as much as I did. Never.
And right now, that is the choice I have between myself and God. The hard part is, now I carry the baggage of being so wrong once. I don't know if I can handle being wrong twice. I don't want to lose not only my heart, but my soul. Will He catch me as I jump off the cliff, or is all this the same sort of delusion I fell into with my ex? Is it just the hopeful romantic wanting the story of a loving God to be true, or for once, can love be true? I thought it was a sure bet with my ex and that let me down so much, how can I trust something that takes a faith I can't seem to muster? I'm defeated before I begin, but still, that romance I want more than life, that hope that doesn't seem to die whispers a still small voice, "Wait... just wait. Your story isn't over yet. There still may be more, and if there is any hope, any faith, any trust, any love, it isn't yours to produce and it will rescue. Wait, just hold on a little longer.... maybe He's raising the dead in you. There is no sane reason to believe, to have faith, to hope, but then, that's the point. We don't believe because it's easy, we don't trust because it's simple and we don't hope because we know. Hope is only hope when everything is dead."
I'm not sure what I am waiting for, I'm not sure I know what to look for and I certainly don't know what voices are His, which are mine and which are too many romantic comedies, but I figure, if there was ever a gamble to make, more than on a lover, this supersedes in import. And maybe, just maybe all this death has a purpose, maybe there is still a miracle of life on my horizon.
Oh God, I don't know what to believe. I thought I was so sure about so many things. And even now, I feel so taunted. Signs, miracles, confirmations, hopes, dreams, they all seem to clash and eventually have now lead to so much heartache. Where are You? Who are You? Forgive my doubts, my confusion, but whatever I am, You know I am nothing more than a human. I am limited and those limits seem to break me now. If ever there was a Lazarus moment needed, if ever I needed a tomb rolled away, if ever I needed more than a feeling, it would be now. I don't know what happened, where You were, what's real and what's not, I don't know how to have faith, hope or trust. My broken in more ways than one, but what I have I give You. I give You no less, but more than I gave an earthly love, I give You the benefit of every doubt, I give You the only hope I have left: tomorrow. I ask my questions wanting answers, knowing maybe only time will give them. I don't know if You have a path, if You have a will, if You are more real than a fleeting love I had, I don't know anything... but I do know me. I know I want to love You more than anything. I know I want to know You. I know I want to have faith.
I give the past to You. I don't understand it, and it scares the hell out of me. I look back and can't make any sense of any of it, but it's Yours. I don't ask for a miracle, I ask for peace. I don't ask for hope, I ask for faith. I'm hoping this will turn out to be a better ending than the last relationship. I'm risking my heart again, I'm risking looking a fool again, deluding by wishes and hopes. I need You to be real. I need You to be more real than the wounds of loss. I need You to be real enough to help me with naive trust and blind faith. I don't want a faith that is based on just wanting something to be true, but on knowing it is. Maybe that's the point of faith, but I give You only what I have... the fear, the doubt, the humiliation, the anger, the confusion and... the hope. Maybe this is the crucifixion You talked about, maybe this is the death before life. I guess all I can say is, I hope.
"24 oceans, 24 skies, 24 failures in 24 tries, 24 finds me, in 24th place, with 24 drop outs, at the end of the day. Life is not what I thought it was, 24 hours ago still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. And I'm not who I thought I was 24 hours ago, still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.
It's 24 reasons to admit that I'm wrong, with all my excuses, still 24 strong, see I'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out, when You're raising the dead in me.
I am the second man, I am the second now, I am the second man now, and You're raising the dead these 24 voices, with 24 hearts and all of my symphonies in 24 parts. But I want to be one today, centered and true, I'm singing spirit take me up in arms with You. You're raising the dead in me...
I want to see miracles, to see the world change, wrestled the Angel for more than a name, for more than a feeling, more than a cause. I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. You're raising the dead in me...."
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