Miss Me

Here’s the one question that has not been asked until right now: What kind of man that claims to be so “good” spends two years telling – no convincing – a woman that he loves her and wants to marry her, when that was never really the intention and then to top it off, never apologizes, but instead just shrugs and says, “Sorry, my bad.” Um, fuck yeah “oops.”

My heart was worth more than that. I was falling deeply, madly, truly in love, investing more and more every day, trusting him to be what he said he was. I believed him and I acted on that belief, within my heart, my spirit and my decisions, all the while, he had no intention of ever being what he was claiming. The worst part is, when he decided it had come to its convenient end, instead of taking responsibility, he turned around and blamed me. My heart broke and couldn’t even accept the reality that he really wasn’t what he said he was. I didn’t want to have to grieve not only the loss, but the loss of my trust, my vulnerability, my dreams that turned out to be ash. It was a big fucking deal for me. It still is.

Who you marry is supposed to be the biggest decision you ever make, and who would know that better than me? It was serious, it was a big deal and to him, it was just something to turn and easily walk away from, no second thought for what he was doing. He wasn’t upset he was hurting me, he was upset he got caught in the net of his own making. Never though did he ever comprehend what he had done to another human being. For all of my faults, I was still a woman, vulnerable and trusting, having cautiously opened herself to someone only desiring their love and honesty in return. For everything I did wrong, I still loved with every bit, trusting and believing the best. I was shocked, confused and completely open to his cutting and destructive words when he chose to turn on me. He had the power and he knew it, and he used it and it’s not okay.

It will never be okay. Not because I won’t be okay, but because treating someone like they are your personal pedestal is never okay. It’s not okay to trifle with a woman’s heart, her future, her hopes, her dreams, and her trust. There is no part of me that thinks God is okay with that. In fact, I know He’s not. Every moment when my heart was laid so bare, so open, completely ravished with a love that was half imagined. How foolish do I feel now? I remember quiet moments, feeling nothing but love as he held me peacefully, imagining a future, dreaming of what our children would look like. I felt beautiful and special and so hopeful.

Yeah, people get together and break-up every day. I know how common it is, but when did it become okay? Those were the deep places in me that he worked so hard to get to. Through defenses, as I let him in I trusted him with more and more of me. My bad days, my hurts, my fears, my insecurities and as he kept the story line going, I believed him more and more. Why wouldn’t I? I was learning to trust that to someone else, for once, my heart and mind mattered. I had never been very important to anyone, never a first priority, or something to treasure and for once, I felt someone saw me that way. Something missing in me, something always slightly hurting started to unravel. The tension of holding it all together on my own loosened just slightly. And I felt every second, every moment, every breath, every kiss and touch. For the first time, I felt it from the top of my head, to the souls of my feet, straight through to my soul.

It never dawned on me that it could be anything less than the same for him. I know the ability for me to love that much, to trust and feel so deeply is something that is in me, apart from anyone. And I know no one can control that or determine it, and I’m grateful for that, but that doesn’t mean someone can’t rip it apart, make a mockery of it, and shame it.

And maybe that’s the worst part. When the moment of truth came, it wasn’t just that he couldn’t do it, it was that I wasn’t good enough. He wanted more, I was too difficult, whatever it was, the message was clear, what I had let him into, the places I had loved him, what I had opened to him, was unacceptable. My flaws, those very parts that I risked showing, he determined were not only worthless, but disgusting. Eventually, the way he felt was received by his friends, family and eventually, me. In any women’s greatest moment of risk and hope, giving her heart for a lifetime, he turned around and shamed me and who I was. It’s the difference between cutting yourself when you are wet verses dry. It may be the same wound, but your skin splits and bleeds so much easier when ripened by water. Who knew his fingers were crossed behind his back?

His heart may not have been able to feel what I felt, in complete vulnerability, but I couldn’t have known. All I could know what was he presented me, and his façade was so flawless, so complete, so impenetrable. Those moments of complete abandon are beginning to fade like heat waves on the street, slowly dissipating with time and the cover of night, but their effect, they linger. It was all an illusion to him, but to me, it was so real, the sort of thing you bet your life on. There is no way to staunch the flow of betrayal and humiliation when that happens. Everything I gave became a literal joke between him and his friends as they congratulated him on getting away from me. Why? I’m still not really sure, but it hurts all the same.

See I don’t miss him, though. I miss me. As I sit here, angry, hurting, feeling the weight of someone else’s actions, wondering what his end game really could have been, I miss me. I miss the woman that trusted, that believed, that wasn’t at all suspicious, that hoped for a storybook ending. I miss feeling soft, vulnerable, beautiful and special. I know the goal is to learn how to be this without someone, but we all know that is a lifetime chore.

People’s hearts are not meant to be screwed with. It’s all over scripture, spelled out in the heart of God. Promises aren’t meant to be broken, respect, honor and kindness, compassion, empathy and responsibility to others, these are the cornerstone to relationships, and not ironically, they are the cornerstone of the heart of Jesus. Every person’s worth, value, feelings, dreams, hopes, concerns, they were honored and appreciated by Him. The very things that hold us together, the very ties that bind us, that make us human, that make us His image, those are the very things He died to preserve. He Himself bore our grief, and though we can’t do it the same way He does, it’s His death and resurrection that allows the beautiful exchange of true and deep love. To walk on the gift of someone else’s heart, to treat it as common place and give it no caution, it is to trample on Him and the very thing He died to preserve. I know He grieves with me, is as wounded as I. My heart was His creation as well as others, why would I deserve any less treatment than honesty and goodness? I wouldn’t. I may not be perfect, but I am still my Father’s daughter.

I know one day I will forgive him for the wounds he caused. One day I will release him from the cost I am still paying, but for now it seems appropriate to say what my heart longs to: it wasn’t okay. It won’t ever be okay. I will, but it won’t and that is the truth.