There is a certain amount of fear/anxiety/nostalgia that exists when things have to change. There are a few things I've been holding onto, and now finally, it's time to put them away. Hurt, sadness, mourning, just to mention a few. New things beckon whether I am ready for them or not.
I was driving around yesterday, windows down, pondering the truth of something my therapist had said to me, when it hit me: sometimes where we are isn't where we belong no matter how much we want it to be. I had gone in Tuesday with a heavy heart. Not for the reasons you would think, but mostly because my life isn't what I want it to be. I had gotten great news the week before, but it had done little to really change my perspective. There are things in life I want that I know I deserve, but for some reason don't seem to materialize in my life.
I stopped at a light and watched people roll by. I thought about the places I have been in my life. DC, Concord, So Cal, Paris.... across the country, globe and beyond. I'm 26 and I feel like my life has ended. Why? I loved and lost, I've grown and changed and healed and morphed and learned and on and on it goes. Why is this the end of my line?
There is a big ass world out there. It's full of people and opportunities good and bad. It's beautiful and ugly and hard and wonderful and scary all at the same time. Why do I feel like a failure because I don't fit here? I went to a small school, lived a small life and the happiest I have ever been was living a bigger life in a bigger place with bigger goals and here I am feeling stuck and depressed because every one of my dreams isn't being fulfilled in the tri-city area of Contra Costa county.
I loved friends, lovers, places and things that I have lost. Those are the same people that went to the same school, lived in the same place and have spent their lives here. Their view is as small as mine, the difference is, I have spent my life feeling frustrated, searching for more, restless, wanting more and feeling hurt, rejected and disappointed when those people don't catch my vision, feel the same way, or value anything beyond what they have always known. My therapist was right, I'm going to have a hard time trying to make myself fit here.
Life is like that, if you don't jump into the stream, you sit on the bank watching it, building a city that is small and refuses to see what is a little down the way. We end up letting fear and distrust win, never reaching for more.
I want what I can't have here. I want people that care about society, politics, religion, depth, relationship, community, I want people that understand the value of risk, being broken and rising again, that are answering the call for more than just the average, whatever it looks like for them. That's going to be hard to find in small town USA.
Growing up here was great. We left our doors unlocked every night. I knew everyone at my school, I see people I know everywhere I go, but if I stay here, if I let this be the end of it, the most there is, I will never really know what else I have to give. I'm going to end up doing the one thing I was always afraid of doing: settling. I was already doing it. I was going to settle for a man that cared nothing about what I cared about, that had no compunction for lying, that had no problem abandoning me when I needed him most. No ambition, no desire for honor, for righteousness, for real depth, for relationship that was more than just lust and happiness. But that was all there was. He was a "catch" here. It's a small pool I live in. No wonder it's hard for me.
But to move forward, to leave this behind, I have to do it without a net this time. No one holding my hand, no one loving me along the way. This time it's me and God and no one else. There really is nothing left to turn back to. It's scary. It's frustrating. What I wanted isn't what I am getting.
I wanted to think it would fit. I wanted to be able to just fit into the damn round hole and be done with it. I wanted safety and surety and no risk, but here I am knowing I was born such that it was never going that way. I can't make this world fit for me, or me for it. So now my small dreams have completely died, shattered and in no way can be repaired.
Some people love the idea of take ahold of something different. Me, I'm just pissed. They would be excited about dreaming about a home in San Francisco. Me? I have a mini panic attack just thinking about it, but there is nothing I can do. I'm not going to find what I am searching for here. Maybe I will feel differently someday, but for now I'm grieving realizing for at least a while, this place can't be home. I wanted it to be, but it wasn't ever going to be. I guess that's the thing about life though, to find the place we do belong, sometimes it starts by finding out where we don't.
Finding what I want at least starts with not trying to shove myself into a mold I will never fit. I want what most people can't give me, but at least with a larger population, my chances get better. Hey, maybe I'll even find another square peg to join in the search.
I guess that's the thing about hope though. At first it's all fairy-tales and romance. Dreams of something happening later, but then you grow up and that has to go. The story lines change and hope starts to look different. It isn't about waiting for something to happen, it's about having the trust and faith in God and yourself to move forward, to push against the grain and get better in spite of the terrible. It's not about things always going well, but instead it's knowing we have the power to change, to be okay when bad things that aren't okay happen. Real hope lets life break you because it knows the breaking is good. Hope lets your mind change and perspective shift, looking and waiting for more. It challenges you to not settle and it frustrates the plan. Hope gives breath to move when fear when keep me rooted. It doesn't take the fear, it just helps me not always listen to it. I guess that's at least part of me finding the shape I am... at least part of me is formed to hope.
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