Dimensions

If I had to describe what has changed within me in the last few months.... I'm not sure I could. I've been trying to, and I can't. Me, with all of my articulation and wordiness (for lack of a better term), cannot, in any way describe what God, life and death has been doing in me.

It is well established that there are multiple dimensions. We live in three, paper exists in two, time is one, but there are proved 11. It's as if nature itself is trying to convey the message: some things are incomprehensible. A million different things are happening at once, seen and unseen. Biblically this is sort of perspective that is not surprising. Sight, feel, smell, these are all finite, limited things, and yet the universe belies a sort of infinite. Both go hand in hand. Why is this important? Because when we are trying to comprehend the human heart, the spirit and soul, it is as though we are trying to place the finite in the infinite and make it work. Some things are only seen in hindsight, in the rearview mirror, as it were.

All I know is, at once, a million things came together and produced a sort of Bermuda Triangle of epiphany. Painful, freeing, sad, angry, excited, liberated, constrained, desperate, hopeful, these are just a few of the emotions, thoughts and experiences that pass through me within any given hour of late. My age, my stage, my place, my experiences, my losses, my gains, my hopes, my dreams, my failures... they have all collided. There is no net to catch me, no excuse to fall back on, no grand illusion to go by anymore. I am too old to be stupid and ignorant. The pain has been to much to deny emotions any longer (after a good 18 years of this), my questions have gotten to real to pacify, the cycles to prominent to be deceptive. I am powerless and yet have more power than I knew.

Things have to change and I have to be the one to change them. I need salvation more than ever, and yet I understand how salvation is not an arriving, but a process. Freedom is no longer a silly term, but something to attain, to strive for. I hate what has happened, but love what it has produced. I miss people I love so fiercely I can't help but want to scream, but I know, deep in my heart things could never be the way I wanted them and I could never go back. I am full of anger and yet knowing how angry I am makes sense and brings a sense of hope. I am for once, not numb and while it scares the hell out of me, I am too tired, to frustrated and too desperate to go back. I am aware, I am awake and I hate it, but love it.

Old dreams have revived and while they bring a mustard seed sized hope, I am overwhelmingly sad and angry at how the chains, lies and deceptions of the world have stolen years, opportunities and the God given confidence that could have sent me into orbit of opportunity. I find my back is against the wall: it is now or never. I do, or I don't. There is no excuse to not live my life fully and completely now. There is no person, nothing left to "accomplish" before I am fully responsible for every decision. I feel as though I am the servant with the talents given by the King. Did He give me 1, 5, or 10? What will I do with them? Have I wasted them yet? I feel as though He gave me one, I buried it, but have seen my folly. I am walking back, standing before Him. We both know there is something to be said. I have a choice in this moment. I can confess I buried the 1 talent and forgot where I placed it, or I can ask for more. "Master. I have buried the talent and I forgot where it was. I have squandered your wealth. But I am here because you have given someone else 10, so I am asking for 9 more. I will recoup what you lost." I'm wondering, in my rewritten parable, will He give me 9 more? Or better yet, in His kindness, will He forgive me the one, give me 10 and maybe leave the buried talent for someone to find, knowing His plan is better than my mistake? Isn't that what we hope for everyday?

In this life, right now, in this moment, I am banking on a story of unparalleled grace. I'm going to rewrite the story. On the cusp of too late, I am going to believe a better word and walk in a completely different direction. I'm rewriting the story line, giving up knowing the ending, or even tomorrow for that matter. I want to be surprised, because in my version, if I were to fill in these pages, my life is over. Done. I've already failed, fucked it up, made a mess. It's dirty, it's ugly and somewhere in the combination of voluntarily giving away my talents and having them being stolen, swindled away, there is nothing left. Time, funds, heart, dreams, hopes, the are all gone.

But in that, I am finding the gospel I have always longed for. The gap is being bridged in the most ridiculous ways. Sermons from Michigan and theologians from England. A new perspective from heretics that brings more freedom, more meaning and more grace than 15 years of church and contradiction have ever brought. Books 100 pages long by 19th century existentialists more acclaimed in the world than in the church, preaching experiencing the one to one relationship with Jesus. Where have we been for the last 100 years? When living a worldly life offers more freedom and hope than a life lived in relationship to the Trinity and the church, we are doing something wrong. Jesus came to set free, to bring hope. A REAL hope. Not something ambiguous and difficult and full of work and drudgery. His yoke is LIGHT. If we can't get, if people are missing hearing how great it is to know Him, there is something wrong, something amiss. And I for one, am a victim of it, and it stops here and now.

In a crazy sense of irony, as I take MORE responsibility for my life, as my eyes open more, as more pain enters, so does freedom, light and joy. I experience the beauty of a creation that was meant as a gift, a life that is meant to be lived in excitement and passion, and a revolution of soul that truly does heal from top to bottom. He is not as difficult, strict, angry, disappointed, distanced and general mean, as we talk about Him. WE are His purpose. If that is not a message of hope, of grace, I don't know what is. WE are His reason, WE are our own reason and part of His answer. How beautiful is that? How amazing is it to be an answer for each other?

These are just a few of the dimensions that I am learning in. A lot? No kidding. I am on overdrive 100% of the time. If I ever get a chance to stop and breath, I will be more than thankful. Even I can see why I need sleeping pills. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about why we exist. They said it would get better with age... um, they lied.

But that is neither here nor there. Mostly this crazy post was just to get a few things of my chest and try to put on paper a small portion of what I was learning. Sorry for the ramblings. I promise, in a year or two, it may get more cohesive. Or it may not. Who knows....