I was on the phone with a good friend the other night. I was bitching and moaning about being 3,000 miles from home, feeling out of place and out of touch. In her gentle and loving way (that I totally rejected at first of course), she made the point that of all the places in the world, Jesus brought me here. It would do me best to make the most of what I can do here that I can do no where else.
That thought has been haunting me relentlessly for about two days. To make it more complicated, I was listening to my Itunes and the song my sister sang and wrote came on (no joke, she wrote and sang it). Is there nothing she can't do? If you haven't heard it, listen to it. It is one of the most incredible things I have ever heard. I could listen to it for a year straight everyday and it would never grow old. There is a power of the Holy Spirit that is so relevant in it. More relevant than I think most want to see.
Needless to say, it brings me to tears every time I here it. I realized that is what I want. I want to create something like that. Something from the Holy Spirit that is so timeless it was would be true 3,000 years ago, today and 3,000 years from now. There is a beauty in it that is distinctly pure, so immaculately sweet.
At once I am jealous and proud. Any woman able to know, perceive and press into the heart of Christ like that... words can't express the desire I have to know Him that way.
That brings me back to home. This is the only subject that can bring me to tears. But how can you want something you may not be able to do? I can want to paint like Rembrandt, I may want to run like Michael Johnson, or write like Hemingway, but wanting it doesn't make it possible.
It is so hard to determine what He is asking of me. The great debate of mind and heart is at it's pinnacle. Here in DC it's about the mind. It's about working for a career, making the right moves, the best decisions, the best internships, the most enviable connections and part of me fears He is asking me to go there, but... but what of the heart?
What of that which makes me cry? What of creating something out of the beauty of interchange between Him and I? Is there even enough there? Is there even something of value there to share? Who am I to even believe I have something to say? My arrogance has faltered with my youth (thank you Jesus), but it has also left me with a void of confidence. I used to want to change the world, now I just want to be apart of something of value.
Besides I currently know 5 people (in a group of like 10) that want to sing or write. Not very original, these desires of mine. But if you really think about it, what are the chances that out of all six of us, any of us have real talent, or the ability to produce a work of art, be it music or writing, that is sustainable and relevant. Well, at least one at this point, I am listening to it now. That doesn't leave many odds for anyone else.
Needless to say, cynicism and frustration exist in a very real way within my own mind. So much for making the most of an experience.
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