Instead, I have a journal full of half phrases, erratic emotions and a mouth that speaks before the thought has fully entered the brain. Instead of a legacy of brilliance, it would seem I am leaving a legacy of well... normalcy.
That being said, I can't deny that a new phase has been entered. And leave it to You to bring it to my attention threw the most ordinary of ways. Not while worshiping in a deep moment of rapture, nor in a moment of quiet stillness while I wait at your feet and not even during a time of "journaling" and reading the Bible. No, I was washing dishes. Washing dishes, listening to a worship song that instead of making me feel like I was on the cusp of heaven, made me want to rip out the vocal chords of the worship leader for having the talent and insight in her strumming hand that I have in my entire body (including that which I have had trained in by professionals). Needless to say, it was a very spiritual time for me.
For a few weeks, I have been pondering a few issues, and like usually, feeling as though they were separate and unrelated. Silly me. One was "spiritual" and the other was "relational." Completely different right? I shake my head in wonder at the level of density that is my mind.
I will say this, the one thing that has been the most consistent theme in my life has been the one I never thought would be: marriage. Mine to someone else, Yours to me, and the eventuality of another one looming in the distance.
This constant theme has been something to wrestle with. As I struggled to find depth in You, truth in You... love in You, I learned what it looked like to dedicate myself to someone out of ignorance, denial and superficiality, and a serious lack of intimacy. It nearly killed me. Paralleled to what I felt I had been doing with You, I mimicked it in a shell of a marriage that raped my soul in more ways than I can still put words to.
Then I was rescued from it. And as You rescued me from it, You rescued me from the distant and confused vision I had of You. It was as if a wall had fallen. It wasn't explainable, it wasn't expected, one day it was just gone, and it took me months to realize it. To see how I was relating to You different.
Then I ran. I had to. I had to breathe different air, see different sites, feel my own skin for the first time. I had to hear my own voice and realize I wasn't a figment of my own imagination. I hadn't dreamed myself up. I was real, and the choices I made, they were mine. For all the good, for all the bad, they were mine. And I assume, while I ran wild and free, bleeding everywhere, but enjoying the feeling of... feeling for the first time, You watched. You just watched and waited. And as like all whirling dervishes, I spun into a pile of nothing just like I had to.
I came home to lick my wounds finally. That was my first taste of peace and torment. We started about then. I heard my first whispers in the valley. My fields were dry, my soul was a wasteland. I had run and you took away my harvest moons. Now I was waiting, without even knowing it.
You told me things I couldn't have imagined. Soft whispers that I had to strain to hear, You were so gentle, so quiet. I had to slow down to hear You. I had to sit still. You made a promise to me then. Not one I fully understood yet, but a promise none the less.
Then the real wooing began. Love trickled in completely unexpectedly. All of the sudden the world was answered. Anything I wanted laid out before me. Love, travel, a future, adventure. It was so magical. A whirlwind of romance, tender words, walls falling, the softening of my heart. I didn't even know it was happening, I guess that was how it had to be. Unexpected. Love through the backdoor.
You took my hand and pulled me away, and set me in the cliff of a rock. Nothing behind me, nothing in front of me, just You and me, and the promise of the hear and now. Your jealousy is viscous and beautiful. Loneliness turned to joy at the realization of how honored I was by Your plan.
Now we have come to another stage. A stage I am not sure I am yet ready for. A place that is so new and so wholly unknown, the black on the other side of the door freezes me to the "Welcome" mat.
You have wooed me, and now You are asking me to trust You to provide all that You promised in the time of romance. You are asking me to leave the valley with You. To walk back into life and work at this marriage. To get practical.
This is one of the hardest places yet. Promises happened once, were broken, and it took so long for me to even hear the promises and not hate You for saying them again. How many times can a heart shatter? You promised provision, presence, trustworthiness. You promised patience, kindness and... provision. You promised hope, joy, peace and... provision.
It's the one I always come back to. It's the hardest for me to trust in. I have watched many a marriage fail over this very issue. How, how do I trust You in this? How do I not bet, plan, prepare for You to fail me?
Can You be all of the things promised?
Stuck between the rock and hard place of asking You to not ask this of me, and at the same time knowing how much I would love to. How wonderful it would be to put it in Your hands and watch a miracle unfold.
So inadvertently I have been avoiding You. I have been running and hiding and... eating. I can't sleep, I can't think clearly, and I can't get away from it.
So I sit here. Staring at a TV screen I refuse to turn on, not being able to go to any of my default mechanisms since You conveniently pressed me to give them up for lent. Thanks.
I will confess, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do, and I have no clue as to how to trust You. I am scared frozen. Flashes of my failed marriage parade through my mind at an intense pace and I can't help but begin to cry as the brokenness that usually is patched nicely boils to the surface.
Please don't ask me to trust You if it is just going to look like me taking care of us both. I know that can't be You, but that's all I know.
The most I can give You is the trust that You will know how to handle me. That You know what I need to be able to cross this bridge. I pray that counts for some thing.
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