And I wait...

There are so many things that come in and out of my mind. Thoughts that flit in and out like they were prophecies I had once held dear. I keep staring at my walls, praying, if I look hard enough, if I think hard enough, if I fight hard enough, the peace, the hope, the redemption I felt a year ago will circle back around and will lift me from my morose state of mind.

Instead, I look into the mirror and let the shapes of my face take me into a deep place of morbid frustration.

Loss never seems too far. I seem to be my most unlucky charm, following me where ever I go. I remember sitting at a table a year and a half ago with friends I thought were family knowing deep in my heart, this change would change everything. I knew it would end. I knew the love I was feeling was fleeting. So I held on, I help tight and I spoke love and did everything I could to love the best I could in the moment, communicating everything I could, hoping, praying, fighting to stave off the loss I knew was coming. And it came. It came the way I knew it would... killing the last bit of comfort and hope I knew.

So now, here I sit, more than a year later, with what looks like the world in front of me and all I can wish for is a past that was never as good as it is in dreams. But good luck telling my heart that.

Instead, I feel a loss akin to a piece of myself gone, circling the drain and I wonder, I wonder what I would pay to get it back.

And isn't that the greatest tragedy of all? The knowledge that I would pay my soul for love that is so less than? Love that is half as good as what is in my head. And if it's in my head.... it has to be possible, right?

How many times have I sold my soul for less? I thought it ended with a divorce. I left that part behind. Never again. No fomance (misspelling intentional) would capture me. And it hasn't. Accept in every other aspect. Why do I always think the only avenue of love and loss in romance?

But alas, it came in another form. Friendships. Oohhhh.... ouch. Loss of what I thought was. What I put my heart and soul into, what I paid greatly for and what I still pay greatly for. I still wonder what is wrong with me, that I am so easily cast aside, but still, there are parts of my heart that have been awakened by a soft whisper and hopes of something more that touch on the pain and make me hope for more.

Redemption had always been my word of the day. As if it was a form of graffiti that was my tagline. Redemption. Hope. More. Enough. Change. All of those things that everyday get me out of bed. It can't be like this always.

So I had a husband that preferred made up images rather than me. So I never fulfilled the ideas of what success looked like to people. So my best friend walked away... then I moved and failed somewhere else... and then my other best friend walked away... then I failed financially... then my other best friend walked away...

I have seen redemption. Maybe not in the ways I thought I would, maybe those that have hurt me never ended up recognized it and told me so... and now, now in my hour of need again, I have to believe He doesn't want the loss to last forever.

I can't believe that He would want me too feel so unlovable.

So now... now I wait. Now I enjoy what I do have and I wait. And I learn. And I wait. And I love. And I wait. And I grow. And I wait. And I pray... and, I wait.

But this time, I wait hopefully, knowing He is redemptive. Knowing my heart is more important than my actions and that He isn't going anywhere. I haven't does something to make people not love me, it's just part of the journey and I refuse to let the journey beat me. I want to know what He has, what this Has to do with Him.

So I wait... and I let the thoughts flit in and out and I let the walls talk back to me and the shapes of my face turn into Picasso's version of art. And I wait...