I've been thinking about that a lot lately. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married a lot and engagement rings and all of that wonderful stuff. You'd think I would love talking about it. I'm a girl, I should be looking forward to being proposed to, to the suspense of when and where.
Yeah, not so much. I pretty much have been hounding him hoping I will find out details on accident to put it together so I can mentally prepare. Sometimes I wonder why that man loves me...
The thought of not being able to control the outcome, the worries about the "what if's" the preparation of getting all of that ready, of worrying about whether he is ready and I am ready and whether or not it will be a surprise and whether or not it will be when I want it, or when I don't want it... worrying about if I will be so surprised that I won't cry, or that I will, or that it won't go the way he planned and he will be upset. I just freak out worrying about all of it... and I know I shouldn't. I know it shouldn't matter. But it does, and I can't make the thoughts and the worries disappear overnight.
Like presents and surprises, when you don't control them, when you don't have a plan, when you don't know what is going to happen, you run the risk of allowing them to blow up in your face. Or to be disappointed, or to be revealed as a fool. Surprises don't turn out well for me. They never have.
So this beautiful Saturday morning, I woke up to sun and cool temperatures. With everything I have been struggling with lately, I wanted to start the day with praise. A day dedicated to knowing His love for me and resting in it.
One of the first songs that came on was about Him being salvation and the true hope and trust. My favorite part is when the singer asks "let be not ashamed, no one who waits on the Lord, will ever be put to shame.... You are, you are my hope, you are, you are my song, you are, you are my song, you are, you are my light, you are, you are my salvation..." All of my hopes in You.
If I can take all of my hope, all of my trust, all of my strength, my everything... my expectations... everything, if I can put them in Him, He promises to not fail me. Somehow, somehow He promises not to fail me and not to put me to shame.
I know there are times of what looks like shame and hurt, but if I hope in Him, He promises not to disappoint, no matter how long it takes to see the redemption.
I have lived 3,000 miles away from my family for a year and a half; I lived in Paris for two months with not a soul I knew, completely on my own; I started a job I feel completely inadequate for. They say these things take courage. Not really. What takes the most courage? Trusting the Lord not to put me to shame. Not to let the next surprise around the corner, that I couldn't prepare for even if I wanted to, bring me hurt or loss.
It takes more courage to wake up on a beautiful Saturday morning, get on my knees and offer my day to someone I can't control. To offer my life to someone that promises no ease and comfort or even His presence in every minute of everyday. What He promises is His character. His record, His heart. He promises that every move He makes, every thought He has, every hard thing, every good thing... all of them are meant to love me. To bring me closer to Him, to romance me into greater love.
It's easy to trust when you are happy in life. When it seems to be going your way and you love everything about it. Now, now it's about learning to trust Him when it hurts. When I feel ashamed. I have to trust that's not true, but there are season's for everything and this is mine. I have to trust Him that He knows my heart better than I do. Then I have to sing. I have to get off my knees and sing. I need to raise my voice and tell Him I trust Him.
And then, after I have dusted off my knees, raised my voice and sang out... I have to start walking. Walking towards believing Him every time I step out my door. Every time I meet someone new, every time I talk to my boyfriend about getting married, I have to let him have the reins and trust the man God has given me to love me the way God has asked him to.
The more I live my life and the more I encounter the amazing and the hurtful, there is a controlled chaos about them that I have never really been able to understand. And I don't know if I want to kill it now by trying to figure it all out.
Oh sweet Jesus. Please have patience with me. I am weak in my fears and I need You to rescue me from them. You know my heart better than I do, but I don't want to kill everything around me in my need to understand, to not fear. I place all of my hope, my strength, my songs, all my hope, my trust, my salvation, my needs, my expectations, my fears. Take them and bend them to You. Let them resemble You, not a life that has hurt me. Deliver me from my enemy. I trust You.
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