These things beg the question though, there are some good things that are hard and some other things that seem to be hard when they shouldn't be, so when is it too hard?
Have you ever dated someone and it seemed hard to not break up on a monthly basis? There is always some fight, or some issue that keeps you on the edge of your seat, wondering if this is right. He doesn't call you when he says he will. She expects you to always be around. You have to fight for attention from him, she is just annoying as hell.
The drama keeps you in, wondering if your the problem. It's like fighting an uphill battle to make this thing WORK. It's effort and time and tears and thought and talking it out with everyone you know, or talking the other person down. We constantly think the problems are individuals, but rarely do we stop and think, "He/She not the problem, this situation is."
Similar outcomes when you fight for something you aren't supposed to be doing. God has this interesting way of making what we ARE supposed to do easy (at least in making the decision and moving forward). It's like there is this force propelling you in a direction, but you don't know it's there until you step into it. The opposite happens when you are going in a direction that seems to be against that same force. Like fighting in a wind tunnel.
You can't get that job you want, you can't find a place to live. Every college turns you down but one, or everything you try in one area fails. It's an exercise in futility and you feel it, but you don't want to admit it. To admit it means loss of something. Be it a dream, a desire, a goal a direction, or even in the case of dating, a relationship.
On the flip side, when He gets a chunk of your vision, you step out and get swept away in His direction, all of the sudden it's too easy. You got the job immediately, you found the place of your dreams, the scholarships are awarded, you find someone that seems to speak the language you have always spoken, and no one has ever understood.
That's not to say it always stays easy. School and jobs take work and application, relationships take time and patience. Hearts are broken somehow in what is right no matter what. But the initial creation of that object didn't look like it did before, it actually happened. It wasn't a battle to CREATE something from nothing, but instead to allow God to create the opportunities, and you just take them.
How does this all relate? Well, it goes back to the initial question. When is it too hard?
As I have grown in my relationship with my boyfriend, one of the things I have had the hardest time with has been trust. Release. Letting go. That's not to say the relationship isn't right, actually, it pretty much means it is. I have to fight against the things that would keep me separate not only from him, but from Jesus as well. It's a refining issue. Not the less though, control seems to be my issue.
Protecting myself from the opportunity of loss and hearbreak is my ultimate goal. So here's the issue: as I battle this, submission to the decisions I have asked God to make for me in my life, such as what is best for me, takes on a whole new light.
Hold on, I'm bringing it around. If He makes decisions for me, and I fight against them, for whatever reason, I am back in the wind tunnel. I'm fighting uphill for something I wouldn't want anyways and when I realize that, the control is easy to let go of. "Oh, that isn't something I have to control, that's YOUR doing... oh, I get it."
The hardest part is learning when I am battling against Him verses myself. And here comes the crux: when it's too hard, it's most likely not Him.
I have a knack for fighting for relationships, specifically, that I am not supposed to have. Case in point: a marriage. Being divorced is like a branding that reminds you: "Don't fight too hard for something that you shouldn't have." It shouldn't have been as hard as it was to MAKE him love me. I shouldn't have had to give up pieces of me to adapt to him in hopes of gaining and keeping his love and affection. But love, and specifically youth, are stupid, so well, lessoned learned. I guess...
That of course bleeds into many other relationships and learning when it is right. When my boyfriend began to love me, it was so easy. He was there, consistent, honest, caring. Not because I MADE him be those ways, but because it was natural for him as well. We had a connection, a kismit that I can only attribute to puzzle pieces that fit when they are right. He wanted to be around, I wanted him around. Simple as that.
The same, I am learning, goes for others as well. It isn't about making people love me and validating myself through that. Instead, it may just be about who fits where. Allowing God to shed what isn't supposed to be there, and take away what feels like being a square peg in a round system, feels at times like a loss, but never is.
He is a God of redemption, love and grace. What He does, He does for my best. Submission doesn't look like always bending myself to the breaking point, but instead letting Him make the decisions, then letting go when He does.
It shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't be so hard to be loved, to be understood, to understand and to love. If He created me, than He created others and somewhere, there are fits. It's not always my fault and I don't always have to fix it. Sometimes, things look broken because they are broken. And that's okay, sometimes He breaks them.
We have already established I don't always make the best decisions when it comes to relationships, so fighting for ones that aren't best for me seems a little less like "being loving" and a lot more like "being stubborn and stupid." Banging my head against a wall gets old.
In light of these recent realizations, my prayer remains simple "Lord, teach me when it shouldn't be that hard."
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