There are holes that still exist. Holes that haven't been filled, reasons yet to be explained. Love and pain swirl and whirl, coming into some sort of sick and twisted alignment. Both make sense, both exist and both remain and in that acceptance, my soul heaves a giant sigh. As if I've been waiting to exhale. The questions of whether or not the Great God I know can be enough, can show up in miraculous ways, if He is everything He promises to be and more, if He's reliable, trustworthy, good, true and right have begun to settle, become answered, giving the peace I always secretly hoped they would. The most important of which, can and will He heal, begin to be fulfilled and I watch myself come back to life slowly, methodically, gently and with a bit of beautiful melancholy.
Most of the time I am starkly aware of a Presence I have never known before. My greatest Source of healing has come from the greatest source of comfort I have ever known. As I was ripped, torn and broken, there was a heavenly compassion that rushed in, a bandage of gracious presence that enfolded and wrapped it's arms around me holding me together enough to continue living.
Another in the series of tragedies that my life has known, ripping away at bone, marrow and spirit, but this one somehow different. This one somehow purposed and therefore worse and more personal. I'm surprisingly not mad or angry though. It's as though He knew, He was prepared, knowing as He would render, the bandaging would have to be swift, powerful and complete.
I had no idea it was there, for a while I couldn't see, feel or know anything besides searing death and overwhelming pain, but as I dug in, as I breathed into it, as I let it have it's way, as I succumb to the death, raising fists to heaven, hell and the mirror, I waited. I waited for salvation, for some form of life to come from so much death for reasons, for explanations for a hope that wasn't transient and dependent on my own feeble attempts to create it. I needed substance. I needed resurrection power to come in and have it's way. I needed meaning, purpose, reality in this life of faith I live to come and be just what I needed it to be: real.
And it was.
Every moment I thought I was at the end of my rope, a felt a tender squeeze from an already present Lord. A word of encouragement from a friend. A verse I had never read quite that way before. A song that spoke so deeply to my broken heart it seemed to have been written by my hand rather than another. An inexplicable moment of great love and comfort from a place I can only describe as the Lover of My Soul. These small moments of Great Rescue, of unhindered presence and love have won me over. They have found their way into the deep, jaded, hurting, fearful, doubtful, angry, wounded, places and poured oil over them, gently speaking in a healing awareness that has stolen my heart and settled my spirit.
Even now, as I penned these great mysteries, in a sudden moment a burst of light cut through as the rain immediately stopped and a sunset that would bring a tear to Van Gogh's eye opened up. My dark room lit up like noon so instantly I had to get up and look out the window. I was stunned and romanced by this sky of fire and ice. I could fairly see His beauty being expressed onto the open atmosphere. My heart was dazzled and softened as I heard Him whisper He will create for me as He created this sunset. An overwhelming sense of worth and value broke into my bedraggled spirit as His desire to love me, to be near me, bless me and just talk with me enveloped me.
My fear, doubt, anger, hurt, depression, anxiety and infidelity create no sense of caution in Him. There are no reprisals for my forgetfulness of His amazing love and presence. There is no retribution for my failings, only the truth, reality and greatness of His love that covers my multitude of wounds, failings, fears, joys, loves, mixed motives, controlling tendencies and angry tantrums.
I have no right to be honored, to be loved by a God so great and grand, but I was created for relationship with Him and in that, I partake with a hunger and desperation I consider heavenly. I was created to be desperate and desperate I am while also knowing the satiation He brings. I am at once fulfilled and stirred, cursed to be in love with a God that I cannot see only in the everyday beauties and in the healed scars along the walls of my heart. He brings a smile to my face and a hope for my future. Grace must wound, once again.
I have received many messages in my life. I have been stolen from in the deepest ways imaginable, the ugliest scenarios and in the most cruel ways. But there has never been a more real message than the love, presence, experience, hope, reality and healing of Jesus. That is the most important, real, message in the world. My value is built in and from and around Him. No one can take that from me. Whether or not I am perfect and succeed or fail in the eyes of those around me, I can turn, look into His face, and ask "Who do you say I am? Tell me, are these things true?" He comes back and shows me a sunset and promises to create with me. He ignores the question knowing the most powerful answer is to leave them unacknowledged. Why answer a lie in the form of a question. Instead, He partakes in me, telling me if He values me, what else matters? Nothing. Nothing at all. If God is for me, who can be against me. I am loved and taken care of, pursued and passionately cared for. I am His pride and joy. That is enough. Enough for life, love, joy and peace. I am overjoyed and taken care of. Happy Birthday Lord. Happy Birthday and thank you for Your gift to me of You.
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