I asked a long time ago for the Lord to have my heart, what I didn't know was I would have to have something to give for that to happen. If I kept pretending, living on the surface, refusing to take responsibility for my life, my heart, my decisions, if I kept living life hoping it would work, turn out, or just be okay, I was never going to have anything to give. If I never let the hard in with the bad, how can I truly love?
I was reading Philip Yancey today, my new obsession. He describes Jesus as being God's way of coming to earth to acquaint Himself with pain. God could have remained distant, unapproachable, never getting His hands dirty with the mess of our lives, but instead, He wrapped Himself in a shell of humanity, subjecting Himself to all sort of pain, physical and emotional to live life with us. The most we can do is the same. He didn't run from the hardness, the pain, the loss, the anger, the hurt, the joy, the love, the beauty, the humility, the family, the romance, the greatness of life as a human. He embraced it. He moved into it in choice, wisdom and reckless abandon. He faked nothing, grew into a man and gave His life away having no idea whether or not it would be returned. He died alone, broken, rejected by His best friends, God and country. He was subject to the same losses we are, the same ugly realities and still, never played Peter-Pan with Wendy. He said nothing for His own gain, but instead, lived life fully, completely, letting in all the joy and pain, accepting both with great appetite. He knew without hesitation that His Father was good, would provide and was always there. He knew when He needed it most that His Father would give a strength to handle the heartbreak that came with loving greatly. He welcomed it.
Because of it, I know how great His compassion is for me. I know how tender, accessible and empathetic He is to my own joys and sorrows, fears and courageous moments. The God Trinity let life on this earth change Him. He let being human humble Him. If I am to follow Him, imitate Him, than the least I can do is the same. When something hurts, I grieve, letting every part of that grief have it's way. If I have a moment of joy, I love it to the enth degree, not waiting for it to end, but instead knowing when it does, I will have Someone to catch me. I have nothing to fear, but the fear that would keep me suspended from real life.
If He did not fear this life, but chose it in awareness, and so, I know I can as well. He avoided nothing. Instead, in His infinite wisdom, He picked the most outrageous way to save me, blowing my mind by becoming a God-man to express to me how much He knows and accepts me. It's outstanding.
The older I've gotten, the more I've lived and experienced, the sadder I get when I realize, not everyone chooses to let life change them. Heartache, sorrow, joy, love, all of these things will have a profound effect on your soul when you let them in. So often in the avoidance of pain, we miss the good. We put an artificial smile on our faces, walking through life hoping no one sees how pretend the emotions are. Don't be sad, don't let things be bad, don't admit the hurt, or the greatness, because if we let it in, somethings won't stay and some will go and then what happens? We're our own little versions of sociopaths, trying to fake the right emotion at the right moment. Peter Pan stuck in Never-never Land making a million excuses for why we can't leave. We "grow up" by force since it's not socially acceptable to live at home past 30 and we have kids because we don't want to miss out on that party either.
Then someday we have to stop pretending. Something so wonderful, or so terrible happens and inherently we know, the pretense is going to fail. We feel the pressure building and the plexiglass starts to creek and crack. The world begins to move in slow motion as we watch everything happen as if it's someone else's life going by at rapid speeds. Then the breaks slam on, the glass shatters and all of the sudden we can't pretend everything is okay anymore. Either we have to pull in, accept and feel every part of the good, the bad and the ugly and it begins to change us, or we stay distant, cut off and separate, working oh so hard, to keep things okay. The way things have always been, the way they were, the way we thought they would always be doesn't satisfy anymore and we aren't as smart as we thought we were pretending at the game of life.
The scales fall off and the brightness of light burns. After a few minutes of adjusting to a new reality, gaining an orientation, finding the compass pointing north again, another hard realization hits.
I am no longer the person I used to be. I left Never-Never Land and I don't want to go back.
I turn around, look at past loves, past friends, past lives and realize with a sort of peaceful sadness, it can never be the same again, because I'm not the same. The joy, the tragedy, it changed me. For better or worse, I'm different now and I can't go back. I'm growing up and as I begin to understand the wisdom of letting the pain mingle with the joy, letting all of it blossom in my heart, I fear less and less. The ups and downs will come, the gains and the losses. I will have a lifetime of tragedy and triumph, but not one second of it is wasted in His sight, in His plan, or in His heart. All of it is meant to be apart of an amazing journey between He and I, and already, it's unfolding. I can't go on a journey, if I never leave home, so now, as I leave behind what used to be my comforts, joys, ease of life, I have no regrets. It's okay to let go, leaving behind what I thought I wanted, for what I know is of more value, a life lived fully invested.
Nothing will ever turn out the way I thought it should, it will never be as easy I had hoped and it will always require more than I think I have to give. I will have to change, grow, be stretched, give up my vision of how I thought things should be, and instead, let the journey be enough. Instead of waiting for the pain, anticipating the worst, setting myself up to fail, setting God up to be a disappointment, expecting things to go badly, or jumping the gun and getting out too fast when things get hard, I will do the opposite. Press in, expect God to always be there, anticipate the need to be stretched, walk forward in wonderment that the Lord will always blow my mind.
I'm at the tail end of a loss, but through out it, and more now than ever I am sure, confident and trusting that nothing, no nothing will separate me from His love, His care, His presence and His promises. I may never see a life of ease, perfection, comfort or just plain okayness, but I will walk forward in excitement of what He's doing next. I will push forward, throwing my heart at the foot of the cross, knowing I can trust a sacrifice that chose hardship and suffering to love me, rather than the ease of heaven.
Peter-Pan be damned. Life's way better when your not pretending.
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