Since running into my ex again.... I realized, I just can't take it anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure what keeps me here at all, except for my family. I've been wanting so badly to do what is right, to honor God, all of those things, but what part of me fearing turning every corner and seeing him is honoring to God? It's not that this isn't my home, it's not that I don't love it here, but there is a large part of the that realizes, I will never really be able to move on, until I move on.
It's been 6 months and I miss him as much as I did the first day. I love him as much as I did when we fell in love three years ago. I can't afford to look back in three months and feel the same way. It's hard enough knowing I love someone that doesn't love me, but living here, spending my time trying to avoid places I think he may be because seeing him hurts too much, that's no way to heal. I hate that all of this is true, but it is.
I need to remember what it feels like to not drive down the street fearing every car I see is his. I need to remember what it feels like to not walk into a restaurant without memories. I need to remember what it feels like to not want to be with him, and here... here I don't know if I can do that.
And if I were to be brutally honest, which I always am, staying here feels slightly like holding on to hope. It feels as though, deep down, I'm still praying for a miracle, for a story-book ending and right now, the only miracle I need, is to stop loving him. It's no fairy-tale when prince charming doesn't like you. Then it becomes what I'm currently living, a tragic unrequited love story. It's not his fault either. I know that feeling of not loving someone and breaking away. I'm happy for him that he did what is best for him. I want nothing less than for him to do what he needs to do. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.
And trust me, none of this is easy to admit. It's hard to know I am in this place. It's hard to know I have to find a way to move on, when the object of my affection, has nothing in their heart for me. It hurts, but just because I don't want it to be true, doesn't mean it isn't.
So now it becomes a moment of realizing what needs to happen: I need to move on. Not that I haven't been, but I think it's time to start thinking bigger picture here. I've got to get of the place where to me, the only thing I want, is the only thing that doesn't exist. Call it escapism, call it running away, call it whatever you want, but it still needs to happen. I need a clean start, a fresh view, a new chance at hope and love and career and all of those good things. It's not going to happen while I am holding on to any shred of delusional desire to be with someone that is clearly not in love with me. Maybe it's the sub conscience awareness that moving away is closing every last door, admitting to myself that I can fully let go. Maybe it's the sub conscience knowledge that I won't accidently see him anywhere that will allow myself to breathe again. I never see my ex-husband, I never see other people that live near and around me, but in the last 6 months, I have run into him 3 times, he has run into my family twice and I have seen his mom and his friends twice. I can't handle it. Maybe I have a problem, maybe I shouldn't feel this way, but I do, so all I can do, is figure out the best way for me to handle it, and part of me knows, getting the hell out of here is a great start. I can't stay in this place much longer. I can't be still missing him in three months, 6 months, another year. I have to do what's best for me, and get on with my life in a real and meaningful way. Or I'm going to go crazy.
It's an awful feeling, knowing there is nothing I can do about something like this. And it hurts even more knowing I wouldn't if I could. He's happy, free of me, and I want him to do what is best for him, and I'm glad he did. So glad he did. But now, I have to do what's best for me. I keep wondering what God's will is, but for the first time, I really don't know. So instead of waiting and torturing myself, I'm trusting that the God who loves me wants what's best for me, and that he gave me a brain and a heart to know what that is. I don't believe He would want me to stay in a place where I'm being held back by a love for someone that can't be fulfilled. I believe He would want those strings cut, those ties released, that love in my heart to finally and fully die. I have to believe that since my ex isn't in God's plan for me, my need to heal and fully get over him is a good and right thing. I would love my ex forever, thick and thin, if there was a chance to, so I know, I have to do whatever is in my power to do, to get over it.
God can only release me so much, the rest I have to be willing to complete. And I know how hard it is going to be. It will be the final goodbye to anything that kept me even mentally associated with him, but I know that's a good thing. It's a healthy thing. I need to move forward and stop looking back, wondering, wishing, asking why. He made the decision that was right for him, and I know that feeling, I left someone that loved me once too, but now, now I need to give myself a chance to heal, to be free, to move forward with a brand new hope in my heart. Even if it is just the pure distraction of moving and getting on with my life, with new scenery, with different options, I need something to get me past feeling as though my heart is being ripped out every time I see his face.
Deep down, all I want to do is love him, and since that is not what is best for him, nor what he wants, I know I have to do what is in my best interest to get over loving him. I can't even be angry with him. I wish I could, but I can't. It's not his fault. When you don't love someone, you just don't love them. It's not even as if there were something wrong with me, or with him. He just doesn't love me. That knowledge brings an odd sense of relief. Even though I love him with all of my heart, I know that love is not returned, and that knowledge keeps me from hoping for something to change. Whatever happened, whether he ever loved me or not, he doesn't now, and that's all that matters. That and me moving on. Hope and reality have a way of colliding at times, and usually, hope has to be the one to change. I can no longer hope to be with my ex, but I can hope to heal from this love I have for him. A may believe in miracles, but I also know when to recognize that God has decided not to perform one. I guess it comes back to acceptance again. But then again maybe the miracle is in believing for a hope of healing. Maybe it's not just a matter of believing in hope, it's a matter of acting on it. And as such, I return to my job listing website searching for an opportunity that is anywhere, but here.
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