I've spent a lot of time deciphering my view of myself based on the view from the outside in. If I am accepted by others, I am accepted by myself. The incredible damage this has done to my heart brings a sense of doom I can't describe.
I was thinking about what it looks like to forgive. I sat in church today feeling shame like some sort of chemical warfare; it was seeping out of me. Every bad decision, every stupid comment, every shameful act felt as though it was tattooed on my skin. No justifications I could offer would somehow take away the stains I had left on my own soul. I begged forgiveness, wished I had a tub of holy water to bathe in. I wanted to shout the confessions from my seat, hoping someone would absolve, someone would see the desire in my heart and tell me I was not as terrible as I feared.
As I drove to work, a thought occurred to me, even if I were to list and confess every sin I have ever committed, then be forgiven, it would be a constant state of exchange. I would never get out of a chair before I would need to sit again and be forgiven again. How then, I live days free from the guilt, the shame that entangles my soul? I realized something, if I did not accept myself, if I did not have grace for myself, hope for myself, belief in myself, I would never be able to recognize it when someone else did, much less the Lord.
I hate my job. No seriously, right now, I do. Not for the reasons you would assume though. I love doing makeup, I love working hard, I love working with people, I love getting to joke, talk with, love on and relate to my clients, my coworkers and my boss'. What I hate is, there is an insane amount of pressure and I NEVER feel as though what I do is good enough. I come in everyday and do my best, but the little things I do wrong seem to dictate more of my reality than the good. Literally, there was a string of ten days where everyday I would walk in and get a complaint or comment from one of my boss'. Now for a woman that has recommendations from every person I have ever worked for, still hangs out with my old supervisors and never once has been disciplined for anything more serious than tardiness, this has been the most stressful job I have ever been in, and it's friggin makeup. It's not saving the free world; it's lipstick and blush.
What I wonder is, why do I stay? I'm a smart, capable woman with a solid educational background and great work experience. Why do I stay at a job that I leave everyday feeling beat down and awful? Because for some reason I don't believe I can do better. I don't believe I can accomplish more, I don't believe I am worth more than having someone tell me consistently what I am doing wrong. I take in every criticism, every comment and internalize them, then put myself on the hamster wheel and work my ass off to prove them and myself wrong that I am worth my paycheck, as meager as it is. Seriously? I'm more concerned with the opinion of my boss than I am worried about how much the stress is eating away at me. I'm actually perpetuating it by worrying about it and I hate that.
This is just one example of where I seem to spin when I should just do one important thing: walk the eff away. Put behind me that which tears me down instead of working my ass off for a company that couldn't care less and sees me only as a means to gain another bottom dollar, to at least being berated in a job I find slightly more stimulating. There has to be a pay off. If I'm going to be ripped apart, chewed up and spit out, it might as well be while I'm working in a place where either its expected or at least for a greater good.
Believe it or not, this ties in with the idea of forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiving myself for the stupid mistakes, accepting myself for who I am, that means not needing to pander, giving up trying to prove myself to anyone (including myself), allowing myself to reach for more and believing though I may not deserve better, I sure as hell want it. Forgiveness looks like moving on, not letting the bad dictate the good. When I think about the people in my life that I have chosen to forgive, it has been because I have wanted to believe the best about them and have intentionally left behind the bad. Why not do that with myself? Why not look back at every bad decision, and choose to love myself enough to believe the best about myself, acknowledge the hurt and move on? When I make mistakes, most of the time, the only person I am hurting is me, if I can for a second, apologize to the heart I hurt, my own, then give myself the gift of not giving up on me? I never wanted to give up on my ex, but I would always allow myself to be wrong for him to be right. I would rather me be worth nothing for someone else to be worth everything, and that is the greatest wound I could inflict on myself. I am worth nothing to me, and that is the crucial thing that needs to change. Forgiveness seems to be a great place.
I can receive no goodness I do not allow myself to know. If I go to the Lord and ask for forgiveness, what good is that forgiveness, or even my request, if I cannot live in the complete and total freedom of it? How can I ever move forward if I subject myself to penance for mistakes made? The simple truth: I can't. It sounds so cheesy, so incredible cliche and tired, but truly, if I don't love myself, I will never be able to express the sort of love I want to, nor will I ever be the woman I want to be.
When I envision the sort of woman I want to be, I see a mix of leather and silk. Functional, worked in, but incredibly soft. Shimmering in light, soothing in touch, moves with grace, can take any weather, any storm, and stays consistent. At peace with her place, her value, her God, knowing how important compassion, empathy and hope are. No need to explain, rationalize, or vindicate, but instead, just waits. I woman that knows what she wants, believes anything is possible and fights to the death for those she loves, but can let go with no regrets. I'll never be that woman, I'll never accomplish any of what I know I can, if I run around the same mountain, paranoid about whether or not I am loved, and if not, why. It's too narcissistic and too weak too unfair.
How to accept myself is another question though. What does it look like to love me no matter what. If I gave myself half the love I gave my ex, I would probably be the happiest person in the world. I would trust that any love I give is never a waste, but only an expression of the heart God gave me. I would see that my value is never determined by whether or not that love is recognized or accepted, but instead by the pure fact that I allowed it to exist. I truly believe that the value of a human is intrinsic, somehow related to the need for community, cohesion and interconnection, that somehow the world is only complete with each person exactly as they are, that the balance God creates is fragile and yet unbroken as each person arrives, gives, takes, receives and eventually leaves this broken world. The child born in China relatively connected to the man that just passed in the Yucatan, as the ripples in the Kingdom relate to each other. Scripture says there is a cloud of witnesses cheering us each on, I believe not only is that in heaven, but we each shout for each other, we each support each other as we live, exist and have our being.
The hard part is, I believe it for each other person, but never for myself. I believe this world would be no less great with or without me, but that can't be true if any of what I believe is real. If I believe each person that I pass is part of and has a part in the perfect will of God, than I am have that same reality within myself. And even more so, if it's true, than treating myself as such becomes essential. Kindness to myself, that will only breed more kindness to others, grace for myself, it will only create more grace for others, and hope for myself will only lead me back to the cross and that, for every doubt and fear, is the only place I believe real change can come. The greatest act of sacrifice and moment of love can only teach me how valuable I am to His heart, and if He says I am valuable, who am I to argue?
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