Arrogance

Holy crap. I was literally hit by a 2x4 tonight.

So for the sake of this blog, I am going to name my two ex's. Yes, there are two, no, don't judge me. For now, I am going to name my ex-husband... Joe. My ex-boyfriend is going to be Bill. Generic and in no way shape or form related to their real names. Now that that is out of the way, on to the real story.

So like myself, Joe likes to blog. I happened upon one of them tonight... look, it was a moment, and no, I was not internet stalking him. It was a shocker though. It was written two years after I left him and it described how he still loved me, was in pain everyday, wished he had done things different and thought we were still one in soul and that he hoped I would come to a "Godly sorrow" and come back to him. I was floored. It sent me reeling into outer-space. Not for the reasons you would assume though. It sent me spinning for one simple fact: I have used some of the same language about Bill. I was crushed Joe still felt that way. I had prayed he was happy.

But I couldn't right how Joe's statement made me feel controlled, like someone was trying to pigeon-hole me and guilt me into reconciliation. It rushed back every feeling of manipulation and guilt. Then I felt even worse when I thought about how I had used some of the same language when talking about Bill. My stomach literally turned in me when I considered that I was somehow Bill's Joe, never moving past him, still trying to argue how wrong he was to leave me.

I felt my pulse rise, my head got a little fuzzy and I had to sit down for a minute. I was completely freaked out. Oh Lord, was I going to end up still missing Bill two years after he left me? Was I still going to be pointing the finger, trying to use any argument to convince myself, others and BIll that somehow we were meant to be together? Was I that controlling? I almost couldn't breathe as these thoughts rushed in, one trampling over the other in hurried horror.

I took a few breaths, calmed down and got in my car to drive home (yes I was with a friend, no, I won't say who it was... but I'm shouting out now, knowing you are probably reading this!).

I started praying the instant my foot hit the doorstep out. Oh God, Oh God, oh God, oh God... Oh Jesus....

My thoughts whirled as I rushed to my car, praying I would get there before the tears hit. Luckily I did.

My heart broke all the way home. Ever fear came back with blaring reality, with one question highlighted above all: Lord, can I heal? Will I ever be able to let go with peace in my heart?

I cried all the way home. I cried and prayed. I repented, and I prayed again. I prayed for everything I could think of, healing, release, peace, good for Bill, a wonderful life for him, a wonderful life for me, I grieved how much I missed him, then vowed to let him go. I cried out for mercy, grace, and for forgiveness for things I couldn't even voice. I broke under the weight of fear that I would somehow not be able to let go and release Bill in fullness of my heart, trusting Jesus to handle my soul in the process.

Then I realized something. Arrogance is the enemy of trust. Arrogance is the enemy of hope. My arrogance had led me to point the finger at Bill and God, forgetting that I know nothing of the will of God. I had the pride enough to think somehow there was something wrong with someone else for not loving me and the truth is, there isn't. My pain blinded me to the truth. Just because it hurts, doesn't mean it's wrong. My pain is less important, than someone else's choice and freedom. Besides, it is never love when it is coerced. And I hate that I even fought him on leaving me. I wish I had peacefully let him go. That in and of itself is a slap in the face to true love. It diminishes what I really felt and feel. I want the best for him, not guilted and manipulated affection. If he doesn't feel it and mean it, it isn't real, thus I don't want it. That doesn't change how much the reality hurts, but it does remind me that I'm not always as pure of heart as I would like to think. None of us are.

There was nothing wrong with me, or my relationship with God for leaving Joe. In fact, I believe it was God's will that I did. If that is the case for me, the same rule must apply to Bill. I can't say it wasn't God's will for him to leave me. Maybe it was. It's not mine to say. I can be no judge of heart. I would never want anyone to love me out of a legal contract. If Bill left me truly because he didn't love me, that's his right, no, that's his duty. I hold no ill will. It hurts, don't get me wrong, oh Lord, it hurts and I miss him, and I still love him, but that can't dictate what his response to me is. I may want the pain to end, but not by force. Not by my arrogance of pointing the finger.

In Luke, after Jesus is baptized, people start asking Him, "What should we do?" He replies to them, "Don't take money by force, but accept your wages." I can't take anything by force, and such, the only response is to humbly take my wages.

I am so scared I will love Bill forever, feeling that empty place in me, missing him, but I would rather feel that, knowing I am accepting my wages, rather than spend the rest of my life trying to prove how wrong he was to leave me. That does me no good, and I will never heal if I stay there. Bill deserves better, and so do I. I love him too much to want him to be with me, since that's not what he wants. No matter what, since my heart loves him still, I want, no I NEED, to move past him. He deserves a life where the woman he loves makes him better, and if I didn't do that for him, if I made him worse, than I'm glad he moved on. He should know the kind of love I found for him, with whoever he can find it with. As hard as that is to say, my wages may be different than his, but I know for sure, I can never be happy with what they are, until my pride breaks and I can accept them with happy humility.

I pray with all my heart I find someone else I love as much as I did Bill. I pray Joe finds a love that surpasses his for me. I ask for forgiveness for the ways I failed them both, asking God to heal wounds. Somehow I know I need the life of Jesus to invade my heart and give me the courage to face my future with hope, charity and peace. Pressing on, I ask for the holes in my me to be filled, finding rest in the life of Christ, waiting for His presence to ease the fear and pain. I know I don't love Joe, and he deserves someone who does. I know I love Bill, but I also deserve someone who loves me as much I them. I know Bill deserves to know there is nothing wrong with him for not loving me. And maybe he does, and he probably doesn't care about what I am thinking or feeling, and that is fine, it hurts, but it's better to be released by the truth, than to sit in my own pride.

And even if he doesn't care, I do. If I have any hope in Jesus, it has to be paired with a humble trust that breaks my pride. I don't know God's will. I can't see it, all I can do, is accept it. I can rejoice in the life He has given me today. I still hurt, but I ask for healing, focusing on my heart, my relationship, my future, my hopes, my dreams, rather than whether or not someone else's choices are. The only way I can let go and have hope for my future, not become bitter and still painfully missing Bill two years from now, is by letting Jesus bring me back to life. The only way I can let go with peace, is by trusting the one Man that has ever walked with earth with true love and peace in His heart. I have to trust a resurrection took place, and that it means real life for me. I have to believe that tragedy happens, but so does life.

Oh Jesus, I'm so scared. I'm scared of what the next year will bring when this last one has been so awful. I'm scared to trust You when I can't dictate the end of the story, but I know I have no other choice. I need You so much. I've never needed You more. Heal me, don't leave me here. Bring me back to life, to peace, to joy unimaginable. Let me be living proof of true resurrection power. Don't let me get bitter. I ask for forgiveness for controlling Bill and hurting Joe. I forgive them both for their hurts against me. I release all of it to You, and ask You to make something beautiful from my tragic life of errors. Forgive me for my arrogance and setting myself against You, believing I knew better. I accept my wages, I thank You for what You have given me, the treasures I have found in friends and family. I ask for protection, peace, guidance and wisdom. Jesus, give me something to move forward in, a direction, a path, a future. Set my eyes on believing in Your promises for my life, not the pain of the past. I pray a blessing on both of these men that I have known. I pray for beautiful women of You to come in and be to them what I wasn't for them. I ask for lives of abundance and grace, hope and redemption. I pray for reconciliation in Your will and way and time. Heal my heart Father. Help the pain of loss to lesson everyday, so it doesn't eat away the small bit of hope I have. Bear this burden with me, hold me up as I fail, as I weaken, grace me with Your strength when I falter, convict me with Your spirit and keep me humble. Rescue my heart.