Simple words, but so powerful.
I went to prayer tonight feeling anything but the desire to pray. I was agitated and angry, frustrated and hurting. I could barely sit still in the worship time. I found myself tapping my foot, biting my nails, staring at the ceiling, arms crossed. I kept getting up and changing positions as if there was something deep in me that wanted to get out. I felt like screaming.
I knew something had to change. I couldn't feel like this another minute. I knew everything I had been praying for needed to come true. I need to FEEL His presence, I need to HEAR His voice and I needed to LET GO.
I have spent so many of my days worrying about how to handle all that I am going through in the best way. Don't be angry, don't feel guilty, don't blame, don't hurt, don't cry, don't laugh... there was nothing I could do to satisfy myself. Everything I thought, everything I did wasn't good enough... for me. It was as if I needed to prove my faithfulness, my love, my heart, my everything to the Lord and myself to justify any sort of hope or healing.
Well tonight I hit the wall. I was angry, and I mean ANGRY. The kind of angry that you can feel making your face red and the veins in your neck pop out. The sort of angry that threatens to give you an aneurism or a heart-attack. And I hated it. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to feel pain, I just wanted to be the picture of perfect hope and trust. But the question kept circling: what do I trust in and how do I do it? How is everything going to be okay? How are You going fix this? How can anything ever be right again? How am I supposed to trust the hope for a future, for goodness when it always seems to turn out so badly? I know it's not about having what we want all the time, but where does Your goodness and my life meet?
So I went over and asked a friend to pray for me. I didn't know what I needed to hear, but I needed to hear something. I needed PEACE. I needed a vision I didn't have, I needed to see the bigger picture, and it was a picture I couldn't conjure on my own.
And of course, the way He does, He spoke with His quiet voice that only He has. He simply said "Don't worry." In a split second I knew what He was saying.
I can't change anything, I can't fix anything, I can't hope for anything, I can't redeem anything... and it's not my job. It's His. Dying to self, healing, redemption; these aren't things I can accomplish. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I can however, trust Him to do them for me. I can do my part by showing up, giving Him space, praying, being with people, going to prayer, going to church, talking with my pastor, but that's the best I can do. The rest, the rest is up to Him. Fixing everything, giving me hope, peace and comfort, those aren't things I can do, but I can ask Him to do it for me. I can place myself at His feet and ask Him to pour in. I can ask Him to redeem and create His will in my life. I may not be able to create anything new, but I can ask Him to renew.
So now, now I wait. I sit still and I wait. I ask for His peace that surpasses understanding, and when it comes, I accept it. I have to stop trying to determine outcomes and make them happen and instead let Him tell me where and when to move. I have to sit in the quiet, let Him have my thoughts and let Him tell me whatever it is He wants to. I make myself available to Him and then I find what I do enjoy in life again and enjoy it.
I choose to not worry because I don't have to. I choose to not worry because I have someone who does for me. Whatever will be, will be. For now I can do nothing but learn to enjoy Him and what He has for me.
The pain, the anger, it will all come and go, but every time it does, I can turn it over to Him, knowing His healing is greater than any emotion, fear, pain or wound I will ever know. His healing, hope and redemption is complete and whatever He wants to do, He will do in completeness... when I let Him. When I let Him speak to me and do what He wants. When I step back, get out of His way and just ask "So what's up for today? How can I learn about You and who You are today? What would You like to bring me today?" The rest will work itself out. Conviction, healing, teaching, those are all things I can trust Him to do in His time and in His way. He doesn't need me to do them.
Thank God.
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