"That" Girl

Heartbreaks have a weird way of morphing and changing over time. There is the initial shock and grief, then as time sets in, more and more questions come, anger, then more sadness, then more questions, then more anger, then more sadness over and over. New things come to mind that hurt all the more and all you want is to have the source of the heartbreak refute them, make them go away.

I finally realized last night how much rejection I felt. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart just fell all over again as I felt a different sort of blow than I had felt before. It came from hearing some of the words he said at the end like a record, over and over in my head. The message was so loud and clear and so hard. The message was of rejection, a sort of I'm done with you, this wasn't worth it and neither were we. I was just with you because I was afraid to be alone...

I felt myself split into a million pieces as I heard old words with a new and terrible twist. At first I tried to brush them off as just an excuse, as something to retreat into as a means to get out of a relationship that required more than he wanted to give, but the more I heard them, the more I heard the consistent message of the last few months over and over, the weight of the rejection sat heavier and heavier. I know I can be a pill and controlling and so frustrating sometimes, but was I really that bad? Did I really become "that" girl? That girl that tries to keep her man, no matter what cost? Ouch...

I cried, then I prayed. Lord, speak truth. I feel like I am drowning here. What am I supposed to do with this?

I sat there for a long time, wondering at the implications, at the truth and at the desire to not feel like it was all a shame and he was only with me because he was afraid of being alone. Is that really what it can all be reduced to? Since when, after all I have been through, would I have not seen that, felt that, known that? I mean I could feel his distance, I could feel his walls, they killed me more everyday, but this, could this really be true?

I went back through my journal and looked over the things the Lord has spoken to me over the last few weeks. More than anything, what He has said again and again: this was real. Don't let anything take that away from you. This was real to you, and it was real to Me. There are things you can't understand, reasons you will never know and questions that will never be answered, but know, with all of My heart, this is not what I wanted for you. This was real, his love was real and so was yours and I promise, I promise you will heal.

There is some sort of validation in that, some sort of relief that comes when I heard the Lord say it again. I wasn't the stupid girl. I didn't stick around just because I was afraid of rejection, I didn't want him just because he was there. We both were smacked in the face with it, with no false pretense of trying to find love. No amount of rejection now, can take that away.

I may never really understand what happened and why we could go from mountaintop to drowning in a matter of a few weeks. I may never know why I lost him months ago and never got him back, I may always have to live with wondering what really happened, but I do know, no matter what anyone says, this was as real as it gets. I wasn't a fool, I didn't love carelessly, or unaware, I made choices, eyes fully open, knowing exactly what I was choosing and I felt the Lord every step of the way. I can't account for why he didn't, or what was going on in his mind and heart, but I know enough of who he was, of who I fell in love with to know, whatever he says now, there is no explaining away his love, or mine.

I guess I'm choosing to believe the man I knew before I lost him the first time, way back when; way back before the walls were built and I got panicky and all hell broke loose.

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away all of the hurt, the grief, the loss, but it does help me not internalize the choices of him as a comment on my worth, or value. Everyone has choices to make and there are always consequences, good and bad, for the actions we commit. At the same time though, those choices, those actions aren't always reflective of what we really want, or who we really are and they are especially not always about those that are effected by those choices. Unconsciously we protect ourselves, we freak out, or we yell, or build walls, or whatever based on beliefs, hurts, old stuff, bad stuff and lies we have forgotten to forget. Those messages become stronger, or reenforced by circumstances and we make decisions, either aware, or unaware that effect us and those around us. I have a choice though about how I internalize others choices. Once again, it may not be about me.

It's not easy. It's not easy to fend off the thoughts, the messages of worth, but there is a Higher Voice I have to listen to. There is a more important message I need to believe. No matter what anyone says, my worth is defined by His love, His choice for me, His pursuit of me. My value is in Him, no matter how much it hurts to feel someone you love, cast you off, but I know, every hurt is able to be healed, and every wound is able to be redeemed. Right now, it's about feeling the grief, forgiving, accepting and moving on. It's not easy, and there seems to be no end right now, but hearts have broken before, pain has been felt before, and people have been rejected throughout history. I am no different, but then again, neither is the pain. It hurts like hell, but that's okay. It won't forever. He has promised me it won't.

Keep on drivin', your almost there

You can smell the sea salt in the air.

Keep on singin', the beautiful songs,

They will keep you company when the ride gets long.

There may be no body there when you arrive,

There may be no banners wavin' in the sky,

Just keep on drivin'....

Keep on drivin', till the dawn sets it,

Cause you know that every darkness has its end.

Keep on singin', at the top of your lungs,

You will know the words before too long.

There may be no body there that knows your name,

There may be no body there at all, it's just the same.

Keep on drivin',

Keep on drivin'....

-Justin McRoberts, "Keep on Drivin"...