Worth it

I've spent the last few days asking the hard questions that must be asked at the end of something significant. All of the why's, the what if's, the if only's have circled around, found a settling place, then circled back around.

Something wasn't right. The normal cliches weren't working. The pieces to the puzzle weren't fitting. There were too many loose ends, too many unsettled points. Why Lord? Why if I was so careful, if I was so diligent did I still face loss? Why, if You said yes, was it still a no? I don't understand. I never asked for this, I never sought it out in the first place. It was all You, from beginning to end. I lived in that truth, so why? Why if You knew it would end this way would you still take me there?

So I sat down with my pastor today and asked him those very questions. He had known my heart from start to finish, he had walked the journey with me and understood me along the whole way. If anyone would understand my dilemma, my frustration, my hurt, he would.

I guess I sort of expected the normal pat answers, because when he answered the question in the only way he knew how, I was a little shocked, and more than anything, thankful. He said "Because he was worth it. Because to Jesus, he was worth asking you to go through this."

Surprisingly, I agreed. Something settled deep in me and I released a held breath. I closed my eyes, soaked in the truth and sat back, feeling a deep sense of yeah, okay. I can live with that.

Truth be told, it makes sense. In the end, it was always worth it to me. Loving fully, completely, without reservation, without hesitation, it was always good. I loved him. I loved him with all heart and hope and perseverance. I gave it every bit of me the Lord asked me to give. I moved when He said move and I jumped when He said jump. I asked if it was right, it was, so I obeyed and moved forward, and I don't regret. Not one bit.

And since I loved fully and saw fully and accepted fully, I know, I know without a doubt, that love will not come back void. It may not have the result I want, I may not get to experience, or see the fruit of that love, but I do know one day, at some point, the love I let the Lord pour through me will find its way into a deeper, more abundant life for the man I loved. And for now, that's enough.

I always wanted the best for him, and my obedience was part of that. My love was apart of the best for him from the Lord and when you truly love someone, that's all you want. All you want is for them to know the love of God more and more and any part you can play in that, well it's good. It's enough. I may have loved imperfectly and I know I made glaring errors, but it's enough. It's enough to know my imperfection doesn't invalidate His perfection. It's enough.

Knowing now, that time has passed and that for my sake, for his sake, for whatever sake, my loving him is no longer needed, or purposed, or right, makes me sad. It hurts to watch that love disappear without seeing the fruit of it, but that's the beauty of the Lord. I don't have to see it. I can surrender to the goodness and sovereignty of my God, turning over my love and expressing it differently.

Now it becomes thankfulness mixed with sadness. A bitter pill to swallow, but a necessary one. I can still love, I can still be open and giving, but in a different way. Now it's from a distance, from a space, from a place of my protection. I laid down my life for a friend and now it's over. It's okay to move on, to still love, but to let go and let God be God. His heart is now in the Lord's hands and that gives me the peace I long for.

And in that moment, one of my favorite worship songs comes on: I surrender. Over and over it repeats "Your love makes it worth it all." In contrast to what I would expect to feel, I know I didn't love at the expense of my heart, I loved at the gain of it. I may have lost someone, but I lost none of me. In fact, I gained. I gained a newer, deeper knowledge of the love of the Father, of His kindness, His mercy, His deep desire and commitment. I learned of His ability to bless in the ugly, to come near and give hope in the midnight hour, not in spite of the midnight hour.

I asked to be used for His glory, and I know I was. I asked to learn to love recklessly, and I did. I asked to learn to be open and vulnerable and I did. I asked for Him, and I received. Not in the way I wanted, not in the way I thought would make sense, not on paper, but in a different way. In a way that can't be taken away. It way that isn't dependent on others, but only on myself and Him. There is no ability to lose when you love that way. Pain comes with loving like that. Risking rejection and hurt, but I will take pain over regret any day. The Lord is a healer and loving fully and completely will only hasten Him to come quickly and patch the wounding. I can trust Him with my heart and give and take it as He please because I know Him, because I believe Him when He says He wants the best for me. Because in this place, I have peace. I may have pain, but I have peace, I have hope, I have the sweetness of One who comes to rescue when I am spent from love. I have a voice that says "I am proud of you and I have not forgotten in you. You are mine and because of that, you are blessed and my treasure. Well done."

My love still burns strong, as I am sure His (the Lord) does, and my heart still aches, as I am sure his (the other) does, but it doesn't bleed the way it could. I loved, I lost, but still, it was better to love and lose than to never have loved at all. If only because no love ever returns void. It was worth it. He (the other) was worth it.

Loving him was never a mistake, it was never an error, it was, and still is, one of the best decisions of my life. It was made from a place of health, from a place of trust in God and living life that way can never be wrong. For all of his mistakes, his faults, his goodness and sweetness, his ups and downs, hurts and strengths, I truly did, and do love him. I always will. I will always want the best for him, I will always want more and more of the Lord for him. I never needed, but I did love him, and that, that was the heart the Lord gave me for him and I will never, ever regret that. No matter how much it hurts now, no matter how long the pain lasts, no matter what I went through. Love is never, ever a mistake.